I know that all of us, parents of children who are adopted, parents who adopted older children, parents of internationally adopted children, waiting parents and parents considering adoption are watching this story with an extreme mixture of emotion.  Even those of you not touched by adoption, are watching the news and following this story.

The first time I saw the news clip, my heart broke for the child... facing every adopted child's worst nightmare, being sent back. I wont judge the family, it' s not my place to do that and the news never seems to get the 'whole' story, but if what we're reading even comes close to being true you have to at least ask the questions... why wasn't the child evaluated by psychologists here in the United States, why didn't the family seek help here before resorting to the worst possible outcome.

The damage this situation can do to international adoption is huge. The Russian program can be placed on hold once again and other countries may challenge and question their adoption/child placement relationship with America. I think of all the children, that if these programs are shut down, will not find their forever homes. The children that could sit hungry in orphanages around the world. How can we not think about the impact that one families actions can have on them?

I think of my friend who adopted two incredibly precious older children from Russia and how miraculous their family is, today. What if those boys were still in Russia and their adoption placed on hold?

I think of  all of the parents waiting for their Russian children now and all those children anxious to come home to those parents, what becomes of them, of their chance at happily ever after?

Every horror story, we'd like to believe holds a lesson. The lesson shouldn't be that a waiting parent should give up their idea of international adoption or older child adoption...  or run scared because of what they read in the newspaper. Perhaps the lesson is simply to step back and learn, learn how to prepare, learn how to help these incredible children who hold a world of hope in their heart and the potential to love and impact the world, for the better.

We've been blessed that our blog has been followed by over 50,000 readers around the world.. to those of you who touch base and read this entry today I'd like to ask you to think about a few things. To share this entry with anyone touched by adoption, considering adoption or judging older child or international adoption. Share this:

Older child adoption and international adoption has it's challenges. I don't negate that. We embrace and adopt children who often come from lives we would never wish for any child. They have been abandoned and neglected. Perhaps they've been abused and most likely, they've been cold, hungry and had to survive on their own at incredibly young ages. There is always mystery around what they have experienced and there is always potential for great love and bonding.

My daughter, Kajal, lived through extreme negative circumstances in India until she was almost 6 years old when I flew to India, with my mother, to adopt her and bring her home. Her first months were tumultuous... with extreme mood swings and her fears and past trauma had her screaming at night. She acted out and she had tantrums....  but she was full of love and joy for her new life. She knew what she had survived, come from and she embraced her life with hope and willingness to learn new rules, new behaviors. She still walks through the world daily with a glow of appreciation and gratitude that makes every moment, every experience, beyond precious.

An adoptive parents responsibility is to prepare themselves for all the challenges that can present with a child who has potentially survived trauma, who has survived neglect.  To take classes, read books and articles, explore positive behavioral solutions. To have professionals on call ready to meet with the child when they first arrive and to continue to meet with the child to evaluate and support the child and the families needs in the coming months and years.

Even a birth parent has no idea what challenges their child will present in life... life is full of surprises, positive and negative. It is our responsibility as parents to embrace every experience, rise to every challenge and protect our children. Help them grow into productive adults who can hopefully, bring something positive to the world. Make a difference with their own life.

If your child had a toothache, wouldn't you bring them to a Dentist? A broken bone, a Doctor? A past filled with hurt or mystery, a Psychologist?

It's our responsibility to find the resources to help our children become all that they can be.  Every child has the potential to become, amazing, in their own right. In their own way.

I love and adore my daughter with my whole being. She is the center of my world. The trauma of her past may have presented some behavioral challenges in the first year and bumps along the road since but these traumas she has survived have made her that much more special... that much more unique, loving and compassionate. She is intelligent and kind, spiritual and generous. She amazes me every day.

How many times in these first two years has she pushed me, challenged me, acted out... daring me to prove her worst nightmare will come true? That I will send her back.  More times than I can count. Every adoption book will teach you this, that especially with older child adoption, our children will challenge us. Push us to act out and prove to them that yes, they are what they believe to be, worthless and unlovable.

As her parent, legal, adoptive and with my whole heart and being it was my job to teach her right from wrong while at the same time reassuring her that no matter what she does.. I will always love her, always fight for her and always be there for her. That I will never leave her... we will always work though our difficulties, together.  After a period of reassurance I see the peace come back in her eyes and her spirit and she is happy, once again. She thrives physically,  psychologically, socially and academically. She is loved and she loves, with her whole heart.

Those instances, those moments of challenge are so rare now and our days are filled with joy and love.

We laugh all the time... we are happy.

When I was first preparing to bring Kajal home I remember my social worker explaining to me the importance of establishing routines. Routines equal security she would say. I read as many books as I could get my hands on, read articles on the subject... everything I could find about adoption, adoption of older children, international adoption, adoption of children who have been institutionalized... I read until the wee hours of every morning. Consistently this subject of routine came up. But no one explained how to create routines in what felt like chaos... those early days were full of such extreme mood swings that I couldn't help but switch out aspects of our routine as I desperately tried to find solutions that would calm Kajal when she needed calming.

My mother and I were hanging out with Kajal after dinner the other day and Kajal said 'speak India to me Mommy'.

First hair cut... after Kajal came home practically bald we have been gun shy about having even an inch taken off of her beautiful hair. it was time though, time for a little trim. She was nervous and excited at the same time.
She absolutely believes in magic... fairies, Santa Claus and yes, the Easter Bunny.
Learning how to surf on a dora boogie board (video to come)
She is so happy... most of the time
goofing around with a very dear new friend
Our new home town of Summerville., SC is referred to as the 'Flowertown' because of it's tens of thousands of flowers that blossum in the spring. The town throws a festival called the 'Flowertown Festival' every year and Kajal had a blast. Hundreds of artists exhibit their booths and as Kajal is an artist herself, we thought she should have her own personalized artist lap desk.
The festival had some amazing airbrush artists who did beautiful artwork on the children's faces... Kajal wanted to try out being a 'butterfly' for the day. How perfect... her room is full of decorative butterflies and I've always thought that butterflies represent rebirth... just as my baby began her new life with me.
trying on a new outfit her Grandfather sent to her
first day riding a bike, really riding a bike! (video to come) she was so proud and so happy, she took to it almost immediately! It was time for her and she literally seemed to fly.
I didn't think I'd splurge for an American Girl doll, they're just so expensive and such an incredible luxury. My sister Linda surprised her with one and Kajal absolutely adores her. She name her new little girl... Kajal.

I wish you all could see it... spring is here in the south and the natural beauty takes our breath away. As we drive down the street the Live Oak trees soar over head, moss floats in the wind along side thousands of blooming wisteria plants. The wisteria is like nothing I've ever seen and it's literally, everywhere. Driving down a highway or a country road the lavendar flowers drape above and around you. Thousands of fuscia azalea flowers bloom as well, in front of homes, lining the winding roads... White flowering pear trees and dogwoods are everywhere... I've never seen such natural, breathtaking beauty and it's literally all around us, everywhere we go.

I was driving down a busy road, full of traffic in bright daylight the other day and a deer stepped in the road. We're talking a traffic filled busy street and there she was, delicate as can be... eyes huge and full of fear, questioning herself which way to go. I prayed like crazy that she would be safe as I inched my car along, whispering over and over... go back, run from the road. My mother and I stared in awe (oh I wish Kajal had been with us) as she stepped forward first, looking at us and the other cars racing by and then, thank God, she turned and ran back into the woods lining the street. Mom! We saw our first deer! We are really in the South now!

As much as I miss Boston, this natural landscape truly has captured our hearts... we love the nature, the flowers the trees and yes... the deer. It amazes us, city women and child that we are. Kajal thanked me the other day, for the trees. She loves all that she see's and we all find ourselves constantly oooohing and aaaaahing at the blossuming beauty around us.

I'm trying to learn to garden... I've killed every house plant I've ever had but for some reason I'm really into the concept of filling my yard with flowers and creating a natural and peaceful haven for us. I'm reading as many books on gardening in the area that I can find and carry a 5 pound book on 'flowers of the south' everywhere that I go. I'm still confused at how often to water the yard as I've got a combination of sod and seed depending on where you're standing. Kajal's totally into it and we even found a little princess spade and garden kit for her. I was outside watering the yard today when Kajal came out and asked about going to a friend down the street. I told her we could go after I was done and she disapeared from sight. I finished my work and went into the house to look for her so that I could take her to the neighbors when I found that she was gone.

My heart started to race as I ran through the house calling her name and then I knew... she'd gone anyway, without me. Now granted it's only a few houses away but the thought of her leaving by herself, walking down the street without me or my mother watching over her, without someone we trust watching over her... that freaked me out. I ran towards the neighbors house and heard the laughing voices in their front yard. Car's blocked my view but I called out Kajal's name, louder and louder until she finally responded and ran towards me.

Kajal, you're coming home now! Now! As she walked towards me, doubt and fear on her face, I didn't care who was listening.
You never, NEVER leave the house without me or Grandma! You NEVER go anywhere alone! Play time is OVER! In the house NOW!

I sat her down in the house and as her bottom lip started to quiver and the tears started to fall, I explained very clearly to her that it is my job to keep her safe. I set rules for reasons, those reasons are based on my love for her and my wish to keep her safe from harm.  I care for you, I worry about you because I love you and that is the reason we have these rules.

As her nose started to run and the tears fells what was most heart breaking was her eyes... they started to glaze over as she glared at me unblinkingly. They radiated anguish and self doubt.

I knew I had to be firm, teach this lesson, drive home the importance of this critical rule but watching her crumble, watching the pain in her face, the doubt I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay.

I asked her to sit closer, to let me hold her while we talked but she held herself firm and kept distance between us. She told me she hated me and I told her that was okay. I loved her always. Then she whispered that she loved me still, too.

Am I being too protective? I dont think so. I see the children that run the streets alone, without families watching over them and then I hear the stories on the news at night. Too many stories of children hurt by accidents, by strangers.

It's such a fine line... letting them spread their wings and discover their independence while also keeping them safe. Half the time I don't know what to do, I question myself, I wonder.... am I making her worse, weaker or am I teaching her how to be strong?

Simple Fun. We've been drawing closer and closer with our new neighbors. We're really blessed that we have some neighbors who approach relationships the same way we do. They are kind and generous and extremely interested in building lasting relationships with one another. We talk of summer barbeques together and have already started a carpool to take the children to the bus stop in the morning. We all seem to get that 'it takes a village' and the enthusiasm for building a life together is genuine and enthusiastic. We came together this Easter to have an Easter egg hunt for the children. We stuffed close to 600 eggs and spread them around the front laws of the cul de' sac and the children had a blast.

One of our neighbors has a blow up water slide for the children she set up yesterday and Kajal was in heaven, riding down it over and over again. We started our day with running through the sprinkler on the back lawn and even that simple pleasure had Kajal laughing with glee.

I had to run my mother to a doctors appointment today and our neighbor with the water slide came by and asked if Kajal could hang out with them while we were out and when I agreed, Kajal jumped for joy, screaming:

I'M LIVING THE DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then she ran off to change into her swimsuit.

How beautiful is that?

As I tucked Kajal in on Easter Eve she hid her head under the covers as she asked me to tell her about Easter and the first Easter Bunny.

The carrots were waiting on the kitchen table (for the bunny of course) the basket was placed prominently by the bed (the Easter Bunny believes in recycling) and the animals had been spoken with (pleaded with, to not chase the bunny).

Whisper, Mommy, so the Bunny won't think we're still awake.

Between the Bible and a combination of folk stories the tale was told.

First, I told her of Jesus. Of his death on the cross, of the boulder in front of the cave. Of the angel and of his resurrection. Then I told Kajal the story of the old man who came to town to sell his eggs when he saw the commotion in the street. He followed the crowd and saw Jesus. He was kind and offered him water, leaving his basket of eggs behind. The next day when the man went back to town he found the basket of eggs transformed into beautiful colors, like jewels. To mark the day, every year after that the man would fill basket with beautiful eggs and sweet treats and deliver them to children around his village. Year after year the mans pet rabbit would watch him paint the eggs and prepare and deliver the baskets. Until one year the man was too old to deliver the baskets so his rabbit took over and delivered them for him.

Kajal loves the story....at least, thank goodness she loves the way I tell it.

Mommy, does the bunny not deliver to children who are bad?

Well, I think the bunny believes that most children are good, are good in their hearts.

What about Santa though, he keeps a list. Bad or good. He doesn't come to bad children so what about the Bunny.

Kajal, are you worried the Bunny will think you're bad and not come?

Silence.

Baby, the bunny knows you're good, really wonderful, extra special good.  We all have good days and bad days. We have moments when we do things we shouldn't. All that matters is that you're sorry when you do something wrong and you're willing to learn from it. You are kind and truly good, where it counts, all the time. In your heart. God knows it and the Bunny knows it.

Don't worry, Kajal, I'm sure the bunny will come.

Sleepy eyes closed and Kajal fell fast asleep. Until my whispered words telling her that I loved her woke her for a moment and she shushed me.... you have to be quiet mom! Or the bunny wont come! Then asleep she fell again.

Sure enough, the bunny came. A soft huggable pink bunny sat by her wicker basket filled with jelly beans and white chocolate bunnies, peeps and hair accessories. A little bit of Tinker Bell and webkinz and Kajal was filled with joy. She jumped up and down, I love the Easter bunny and the Easter bunny loves me! She shouted over and over.

Then she looked for the note...

What note honey? You know, Mommy . The note! The Easter bunny left me a note last year, I'm sure he'll leave one again. And she looked and she looked...

You know Kajal, I'm sure the Easter bunny really meant to leave a note but in his excitement of packing your basked with all the goodies you were hoping for it must have slipped his mind.

You're right mommy. It must have.

I think tomorrow Kajal will find the missing note, tucked away under her bed...

Telling her how much, the bunny loves her.

What a simply adorable morning it was. Kajal woke up so excited, it was picture day! She had picked out a new dress and laid it out with care last night, even packed a change of clothes for a school race following the picture taking. She had me put a special pink bow in her hair and spun around, dress flying out around her.

Do I look like a princess mommy? Yes, Kajal, you look like my princess...

Do I look like princess Jasmine? A little bit, Kajal, but I think you look even prettier than Jasmine.

She practically raced down the stairs, eyes sparkling, full of anticipation.

As she skipped down our sidewalk she turned to me, oh Mommy, today is April first. Happy April Fools Day!

I laughed... the things she learns along the way. Yes, Kajal, it is April First! Happy April Fools Day to you too.

As she started to turn away, she turned back with a puzzled look on her face.

Oh, Mom?

Yeah, hon?

What exactly is April Fools Day?

I laughed. Another example of how she just goes along with things, not always quite understanding what she's going along with.

It's a day when people have fun with one another. They make jokes, they play pranks, they do silly, silly things.

Ooooh, now I understand, she says, as I see the wheels turning.

Mom, why did the Chicken cross the road?

I don't know honey, why?

To get to the other side!

She laughs at herself and her new joke (as old as it is, it seemed so funny coming out of her little lips) and I laugh with her.

Later in the day I was bringing packages in from outside when I heard screaming. Mom, Mom, come quick! Grandma had an accident!!!!! You've got to take to the doctor, you have to carry her to the car, NOW MOMMY!

I can barely breathe, running into the living room where I see my mother sitting back on the couch, leg up the ottoman. She looks pale...  I think. She looks hurt. She's waving fragile hands in the air, waving towards her leg and she looks, scared.

I race in to the room, Kajal is sitting next to my mother pointing to her leg.

Look MOMMY! She broke her LEG!

I barely have time to process what's happened when....

APRIL FOOLS MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've got to be kidding me???? Oh, yeah, they did.

Kajal laughed hysterically and my mothers pained look became one of barely controlled laughter. With a twinkle in her eye, she high fives Kajal and the two giggle endlessly.

They got me.... I couldn't be mad, I laughed too. I was just so relieved nothing was really wrong. And I couldn't stop staring at how cute Kajal was, laughing and giggling away with her co-conspirator.

Life most days is wonderfully normal. We are happy. My mother living with us actually brings a youthful silliness to many of our days. I swear, she embraces life's simplicities at times in such refreshing ways... she has a way of laughing with Kajal, of kidding around with her that reminds me at times that I need to loosen up. We all find things to laugh about, to kid around about, together. Kajal has established her 'chores' thanks to my mothers rules. Initially, I bawked at some of the 'rules' my mother wanted to impart. I felt she was too strict... I know, I'm confusing you. Silly and strict, that's my mother... both, depending on the moment, depending on the day. I actually had a talk with her one day, maybe we can have less rules. I wanted to impart my own parenting style, less strict, more compassionate and creative. That was until I realized the house was cleaner, the homework got done faster and Kajal actually flossed her teeth on a regular basis when we tried living with a few of those rules. Kajal actually sets and clears the table for dinner every day and it still 'wows' me.

We're truly blessed, ... we live in a home full of love. Of course, as you all know, we also have our tough times. Real life, normal tough times and tough times that are more than a little intense due to Kajal's history. That being said, figuring out when the challenges derive from, 'normal' little girl moments of defiance vs. post traumatic stress resulting from her history in India, is where the question can lie... let me tell you the 'Barbie' scene that happened recently.

Kajal had been haunting me for a new Barbie video. First, I have to say, I've done everything in my power to steer Kajal away from traditional 'princess' stories and the whole 'Barbie' craze. I read books about children from around the world, focus on animals and creative learning etc. I just didn't want Kajal to fall into the 'prince will save me' path or 'have to look like barbie' to be accepted/beautiful, but all the Dora/Diego movies and ethnic hero's didn't keep my little one from falling into the princess/barbie craze. I gave in and just do everything I can to 'mix it up' for her as much as I can. That being said, she's been obsessed with the new Barbie Mermaid movie that just came out and I decided to create some motivation. I told her that I'd get the video for her if she did several things every day, for three days. Things like, go to sleep in her own room (with me holding her until she falls asleep, of course) brushing/flossing her teeth at least twice a day and a few other special household projects my mother came up with.  Well, I made the mistake of admiting, by accident, that I'd already purchased the video and had it tucked away... BIG MISTAKE! When she realized it was actually in the house she almost had a melt down. I take that back, she had a meltdown.

Now, I know that the worst thing you can do is cave at a tantrum, but this wasn't exactly a tantrum. More like streaming, silent tears and pleading eyes... okay, maybe it was a tantrum. She actually went up to her room and lay down in her bed, crying silently for over an hour. I tried to talk sense into her but she just rocked back and forth with this dazed, teary eyed look repeating over and over, I want the Barbie Video.

I caved.

I actually found myself negotiating with her. I swear though, her eyes looked like she was in the worst possible pain in the world. Like I was holding food back from her or something. I still can't believe I caved. So I negotiated five days vs. three of everything we'd discussed and we made a chart together.

I still can't believe I caved and it only took two hours. What a wimp.

My mother could barely talk with me for the next day... what a way to teach a child a lesson.

On another night after she'd pulled some rude behavior on me I put her to bed and she could sense the disapointment in me. She asked me, Mommy, do you want to take me back to India and trade me in?

My mother thinks in these moments she's playing me. I don't. Well, in the barbie video scene she was playing me but in other moments, like this one, I know she's not. She really still wonders, more and more rare, thank God... but she wonders still, will I want to take her back.

I'll never trade you in, or take you back. It's you and me forever. I remind her.

If we adopt another child though, will you love them more than me? No baby, you'll always be special, you'll always be my first child. My Kajal. I will always love you, for you but I explain to her that I have enough love for more children and that I know, she has enough love to share too.

She has kept up her 'bargain' and every night now, I take her to her room and hold her until she falls asleep. This is huge. She's falling asleep, finally in her own room. Granted, she comes into my room every night, at some point, to crawl into bed and sleep with me but each night she seems to make it a little bit longer on her own. At first she fought against it. When the five days were up she was so psyched. Mommy, I can sleep in your bed again. I reminded her that her room was safe and that I wanted her to keep trying, because Mommy's and little girls are supposed to have their own rooms. She doesn't like that very much.

Will you stay with me until I fall asleep, Mommy? Yes, of course I will.
Oh, then I'll stay in my room forever! (Wow!)

As I pack Kajal's lunch box in the morning I often insert little surprises on. Tinker Bell stickers, a favorite treat or just a note reminding her that I love her.

I was running late the other morning and she surprised me by making her own lunch. When I came down stairs she held up her lunch box, radiating pride. I even made the peanut butter sandwich, Mommy, she smiled. I asked if I could check, just to make sure she had enough in there and sure enough, there was her little pudding pack, her yogurt stick, tangerine and sandwich. There also was a note on a napkin, 'I love you Kajal, Mommy' written out in her perfect little hand.

You know they know you love them, when they can copy your love notes as if it's just a matter, of fact.

Why did you choose me, Mommy? Kajal asked me tonight.

I didn't choose you, honey, God did. I asked God to find me the daughter meant for me, and he found you. He found me the perfect daughter for me and he found the perfect mother, for you. We were meant to be together. Like the Red Thread. (Her favorite fairy tale, a story about an invisible red thread that ties parents and children together who are meant to be together.)

I felt like she needed to hear more, needed to be reassured that I wanted her... that I would choose her.

Would you like me to list all the reasons that I love you?

Oh, yes, Mommy.

Okay... I love you because you have a kind heart. I love you because you are incredibly generous. I love you because you are so wise. I love you because you have a great sense of humor and know just when to be silly.

And so, on and on, I listed the reasons that I love her.

I read once that it puts too much pressure on a child to tell them that you 'chose them' but I always want her to know that we were meant to be together, to remind her that I truly believe that God chose us for one another.

I often try to take some time to tell her how special she is... take the time to share with her all the wonderful ways that she shines.

And wouldn't all of us, like to hear on a regular basis, all the ways that we are loved...

This morning my baby woke up sad. This is so incredibly rare... she wakes up happy, sleepy, but happy. We giggle and laugh most mornings even as we rush to get ready for school. This morning was different.

Mom, the kids don't want me in first grade.

What do you mean?

They told me I don't belong there... I'm too old. I'm eight. They said first grade is for 6 and 7 year olds. I can't be in 1st grade anymore.

Hmmm... I wondered when the age 'thing' was going to come up. She was in tears. My heart broke for her...

Kajal, children don't always know what they're talking about. They don't know everything. Do you know why you are in first grade?

Because I was in India?

Yes, baby, because you were in India. You were in India when the other children were in Kindergarten. You are so special that when you came to the United States you needed to take a full year of Kindergarten to learn English. Now, you're in first grade, right where you belong.

But Mommy, the kids say I can't be, I'm too old.

It's not about age Kajal, it's about being where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there and you are right where you belong.

We had a beautiful day. Spring is here and the grass is struggling to turn green. Geese fly honking overhead and the sky, I've never seen a sky quite so breathtakingly blue. I finally splurged on the white rocking chairs I'd been dreaming of and as I sat rocking in one watching Kajal play with the neighborhood children, my heart was so happy. We truly were making a wonderful home for ourselves.

As Kajal fell asleep in my arms she struggled to open her eyes... Mommy, can I ask you one more question?

Sure baby, what?

If you stop wanting me will you send me back to India?

I kissed her forhead then looked deeply into her sleepy eyes....

Kajal, I will want you forever. I wouldn't want to live without you. I will never send you back to India... I will love you forever.

I tightened my arms around her and kissed her face, whispering of my lasting love until her eyes closed for the night and her breathing evened into the long deep breaths of a restful sleep.

I truly wouldn't want to live without her... she truly is my greatest joy, my greatest love.

With such a precious child, no matter how solid and normal lifes days may become these silent triggers always wait quitely in the minutes of each passing day. A word from a child in school, a misbehavior... anything that triggers the feelings of self doubt triggers the fear of abandonment. The fear of being sent away, living alone.

To think she carries this in her soul, the thought that if she does something wrong or that I may possibly, simply, stop wanting her, that she could be 'sent back', hurts my heart.  I can't imagine experiencing such horrific fear at such a young age. I know what it's like to fall in love and fear my loved one will lose interest or move on without me. I thought that was the worst experience, the worst fear.

But nothing, no fear in the world compares to that of a child who has been left all alone in the world, who has struggled to find food. Who knows what it's like to live completely and utterly alone at 3 or 4 years old, younger. Without anyone watching over her or caring for her, figuring out how to live and survive all by themselves ... that childs fear, who knows now what love is and lives with the fear that it could leave her, leave her alone, again.

That is worse than any fear I can imagine.

I will truly love her forever and there is nothing in my life that means more, that I can ever imagine will ever mean more,  than bringing her the peace and assurance that she truly is safe and loved, forever.

Kajal turned 8. Oh, she missed her friends, Lucy and Manisha... she missed Boston, but she was so excited, another birthday. It's so amazing to watch a child who spent her life not knowing what a birthday is, prepare for her 3rd birthday... but turning 8 years old. I think this year she really got it. She asked me a lot of questions about being born. Where was she born, is her birth mommy alive, did she come from a mommy's belly?

I know where I was born, Mommy. I was born in the place, the place where Manisha and I lived. The orphanage, she feels she was born at the orphanage. It makes sense, that's what she remembers now... as the memories fade away some remain. The hunger, the lack of toys, the lack of love.

She was so excited on this day though. We planned a special party the weekend before and my sister Linda surprised her with an American girl doll. The doll looks just like Kajal and she named her, Kajal. Her own little version of herself. She loves her, carries her everywhere.

The party was a huge success. Kajal's beginning to make friends, good friends. She's drawn to children who are 'kind' to her... this is so incredibly healthy. She's beginning to realize that she's worth that, she deserves to be treated well and with love.

We invited children from the neighborhood as well as a few friends from school and her closest friend here, Paisley. She was showed with presents, had a beautiful Tinker Bell cake and the children all stuffed their own bears. They played frisbee's and ball outside and one of my new, wonderful neighbors brought over a jump castle.

Kajal was in heaven! My neighbors daughter straightened her hair and painted princess makeup on all the girls.

The day was truly, magical.

Kajal with her new friends
looking all grown up
isn't she beautiful?


They really do, grow up too fast

Mom, it's Sunday, we have to go to Church! God is waiting for us!

More than one Sunday has started out with Kajal waking me to the same chant. I thought... how hard can this be? Finding a church in the 'city of churches'. Charleston has more churches than any other city in the US. Summerville, our historic town just outside of Charleston has more than most major cities. I thought, no brainer, we'll find one in no time.

Not.

We tried a lovely historic Episcopalian church, the same as what we attended in Boston. Perfect we both thought, this will be great, just like home. Until I found out that the church was taking a stand against the national church and against all the beliefs that made me feel right at home with the church in the first place. Then the church was predominantly white... I mean, really white. We were at one service that had over 300 people in attendance and Kajal was the only person of color in the entire church. Part of the reason I moved to Charleston was to have more integration, more diversity. It didn't help that only three people said hello to us and not one child was kind to Kajal.

Next.

We joined a new and yet dear friend of ours to attend their church. A non-denominational church. The music was beautiful, we were off to a great start. The children's program seemed very sophisticated and exciting. Perfect. We were hopeful. The Pastor spoke with passion although I will admit, much more energetically than what I have experienced before. That's okay I thought, I'm from Boston, I'm used to more conservative. This is the South. They get more excited here... I can get used to that. Then I walked back to the room that Kajal was trying out a lesson in. The youth pastor was teaching his lesson and as the children followed along I saw two men wandering amoung the children. Not parents. Not teachers. Not even really doing, anything. Just watching the children. Standing close to them, watching them work over their shoulders. These men, didn't look educated or as if they were participating. They were just there, watching the children. I grabbed Kajal and practically ran for the door.

Next.

We tried a church we've heard alot about. It's huge, massive. Different. But Church. The church is so large that people attend services around the Charleston area  and the pastor is only present one location. The service is then broadcasted live to all the other locations. Yes, you watch the service on a large screen. Okay, it was different but I'd met some people who really loved it and spoke so highly of it, I thought, we'll give it a shot. The children's program was huge! It seemed like there were classes spread out through a massive building. Kajal loved it right away. There were games and everyone was really friendly.  The children seemed to be having a blast so she was thrilled. I walked into the main room and noticed tremendous diversity and everyone was incredibly friendly. Hmm... okay, maybe watching a service on a screen isn't so bad if you you've got all these warm and outgoing people around. Seems spiritual enough.  Then the music started. Christian Rock and Roll. Really, really rock and roll. The lead singer was screaming at the top of her lungs and an electric guitar played along side two drumsets on raised stages surrounded by glass sound partitions to control the sound level. Kajal loved it. I ran.

I was so spoiled by my church in Boston, by the people, by the love. By the simple but inspirational service, It felt so right. Church has been the center of our lives since I brought Kajal home and we are missing that more than I can say.

When I woke up and suggested we just stay home one Sunday, Kajal told me that God wouldn't want us to 'quit' he'd want us to keep looking.

Yeah... I'm trying, but lately, it just seems easier to stay home.

Kajal at Sunday brunch after our foray into the world of Rock and Roll, Church

Yes, you read that right... it snowed in Charleston. We had 7 inches and lost our electricity for 24 hours. I have to admit, it was the first time I really doubted buying a house as a single mother. Here I can barely change the airconditioner filters without falling on my you know what. Who puts them in the ceiling anyway? My mother had returned to Florida for a month so Kajal and I were on our own. Kajal had been missing her Grandmother and had been very confused by her leaving. The first night, she set her place at the dinner table, the second she looked at me blankly and said "I don't have a Grandmother any more" I had to remind her that just because her Grandmother was travelling and not physically with us it didn't mean that she still wasn't her Grandmother. Thank God for my mother. The sensible one. When the snow hit, I thought... beautiful, we finally have a taste of New England. I was thrilled. It was beautiful, we went outside and Kajal caught snow flakes in her mouth. She danced around in the light and breathtaking falling snow until the cold hit her full force and she ran inside screaming and crying that she 'hurt' all over.

I was watching the news as they talked of nearly 20,000 Charlestonians out of power and I thought, quite arrogantly, not me... I'm in a new house, the lines are all under ground. Literally, the next moment... Poof! The power and the tv went out. Blackness. Total blackness. Kajal was asleep thank goodness and I was shaking in my slippers. The house that I loved so much all of a sudden seemed massive with dark and creepy shadows everywhere. I remembered my mother's hurricane lamp in the front closet and tripping of the couch and dogs running scared I made my way slowly until I finally managed to find it and light it up. No electricity? What do I now? I picked up the phone to call the company then realized, d'uh, phone was electric.  I worried about warmth until I realized that I had a gas fireplace... yeah! Until I realized the switch that turned it on was electric.

I really wished I had a husband that night... that's the moment when you really feel alone... crazy for buying a house without someone who knows how to do more than put in a light bulb. My neighbors were all running generators and I thought, what would I even do with one if I had one? I'm not exactly Ms. Technical.

It all worked out thank God, Kajal woke to a world covered in a glistening white blanket and the world looked magical. Neighbors cooked chili and the children played with one another and before night rolled around again the snow had melted away and the electricity was back on. And me... I have a long list of emergency supplies that I've promised myself I'll have on hand the next time a storm hits. Hurricane, snow storm or otherwise.

It was funny though, here we move from New England to experience warm weather on a consistent basis and Charleston gets hit with the biggest snow storm they've had in fifty years.

our home after the snow

Have you ever noticed how you can whisper the word 'icecream' and your child can hear you from a room away but repeat 'please pick up your room' five times, escalating in volume and your child looks at you confused, 'I didn't hear you, Mom'. 

Christmas Eve morning dawned early. Kajal woke up while it was still dark out (as usual) and asked me to walk her to the office and settle her into the computer. She loves playing learning games and watching videos on the computer but is terrified of walking through the house in the early morning darkness. I often get up, turn on the lights, get her settled then try and catch an hour or so more of sleep. We woke up this morning all excited... Happy Christmas Eve!!!! We hugged each other and wondered about Santa's big evening. I walked in to my office and settled in her at my desk which looks down over the front lawn and other homes in our little Cul-de-sac. In the darkness outside I noticed a Uhaul backed up to the house across the street from us. My heart started to race, I knew the house was still being built and was unoccupied, the new owners hadn't even closed on it.

Let me back up. As you know, we moved into our new house, our first house, this past November. I built a home with a local builder (so exciting picking everything out, built it all energy efficient etc, really cool) but a major problem we found during the building process is that during the time that a new home is completed but prior to new owners moving in the houses are being robbed. I had my washer and dryer stolen between the time they were delivered and my closing date. Although the town we moved into has an extremely low crime rate one of the rare issues is that these new homes that are sitting empty become targets and they've been broken into and raided, quite often. 3 houses in our little area had been robbed like mine, of appliances etc. Due to the current economic crisis, I knew that 4 house out of 8 in our little cul-de-sac had their financing fall through and were now sitting empty waiting for the owners to obtain new financing or for the builder to sell them.

So here I am, knowing these houses are sitting ducks and I see a uhaul backed up to a house in the cloak of darkness... all my warning bells went off. I called 911. As I spoke with the officer the truck pulled away and took off. The officer asked me to call again if I noticed anything else happen and I went about my day. My adrenalin was rushing so I skipped going back to sleep, kissed Kajal and took the dogs out for a walk. When I returned in to the house something, screaming instinct, made me look back out around our street. The Uhaul was back, only this time it was two houses down from me (another empty house) and in the still dark morning, a man was lifting an appliance into the back of the truck.

I didn't think... I ran out of my house toward the criminal. I screamed at the top of my lungs, waving my arms in the air "You Bastards!!!!! Get out of our NEIGHBORHOOD!!!! GET OUT OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!" The man freaked, dropped the appliance, took of at a run, jumping back into the truck and peeled out. I called 911 again, "They came back! They just tried to rob another house and I scared them off... their headed for the exit of our community... etc etc" The police were on it, not 2 minutes later I heard sirens and 5 minutes later a Sheriff's car pulled up outside 'the house' I brought him coffee and explained what happened. Kajal and my mother joined me as we listen to the police radio with him. The police had a car chase with the Robbers and chased them until they pulled the truck over on the side of the road, jumped out and hid in some woods. The police surrounded the woods, set up road blocks and brought out tracking dogs until they caught them! Neighbors came out to hear what happened and I have to admit, I felt incredibly proud of myself. I know I shouldn't have chased after these guys but boy it felt good to protect my neighborhood. As a single mom from Boston, I've gotten used to standing up for and protecting my new family... no one was messing with us and ours and even though that house is unoccupied it will be owned by a neighbor of mine... it is part of our community.

Kajal was confused but excited by what I'd done and we talked about right and wrong as well as the importance of asking for help from the police. When Kajal came home from India her only exposure to the police was highly negative... police stood in the way of starving children getting food, finding shelter. They caused harm not good. This was a great chance for her to see first hand that the police can be our friends... truly our allies. The Sheriff was great with her and to say it was an exciting start to Christmas would be putting it mildly.

The rest of the day was more traditional.. hanging our stockings, putting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. We watched Santa's flight on the Norad tracker and listened to Christmas Carols. Kajal was still concerned that she was on the Naughty list and I tried to reassure her but her insecurities got the better of her and she had a hard time embracing the hope that Santa truly would show up for her.

Santa took the time out of his busy evening to call her, right at bedtime! Kajal was thrilled and it gave her the opportunity to ask him herself if she was on the naughty list. Santa reassured her that she was in fact, good and if she went to sleep quickly he would indeed come for her.

I had no trouble getting Kajal to sleep that night, she ducked her head under the covers and warned me to go to sleep quickly as well. We whispered under the covers until she dozed off with a hopeful smile on her face.

Christmas dawned magically with candy canes leading a path from the bedroom, down the stairs to the tree surrounded with gifts. Kajal opened every one, screaming with joy. Her new bike, dolls, videos, even socks, made her yell with pure glee.

I never want Kajal to be tied to the material, I always want her to know what's really important in life and to find joy in love, in peace and generosity of spirit and heart...

For many children, Christmas morning is about the presents. For Kajal, the presents reinforced to her that she really is 'good' and 'worthy' which are concepts she struggles with internally, too often.

What a beautiful morning it was.

Kajal had one of her challenging nights a little while back, trouble sleeping, got grumpy, acted out and fell asleep with tears streaming down her face. When she awoke in the morning the first words out of her mouth were... Oh Mom! I forgot, I forgot!!!!

We have been so blessed by the school Kajal is attending.. one of the reasons I made the decision to move to this particular neighborhood. With all the challenges Kajal has experienced I wanted to find a truly positive learning environment for her... one that also promotes positive relationships between children. Although Kajal had only been attending the school for a few weeks prior to her becoming ill she seems to have transitioned seemlessly. We've had not one experience with bullies or cruelty and that is huge! Her teacher is kind and compassionate and has no tolerance for 'meanness' in the classroom. This special charter all girl class has been so moved by Kajal in her short time amoung them that they took some time in class today to write her some notes... these words say it all....

We saw the doctor and Kajal is still too ill to return to school. Her lungs are finally clear from the pneumonia but bronchitis still has her in it's grips and the doctor felt it would be safer to keep her home one more week. Two weeks out of school... the biggest challenge is keeping her from bouncing off of the walls. We're doing a bit of home schooling, keeping up with the work while she's out as best we can and supplimenting it with learning software, jumpstart (love that) and books that I print off line. She's a whiz at math and is reading! It amazes me to watch her sound out words.

Have you ever stopped to look, really look, at holiday lights? Kajal finally seemed up to going out for a little bit so my mother and I bundled her up nice and warm and jumped in the car to 'see the lights'. From our home we can see the holiday lights start to appear in our neighbors lawns and being new to 'suburbia' we've been talking about taking a drive to check out all the decorations. I let Kajal guide the way... "turn that way mom!" "now go that way!" and she screamed and squeeled at every last Christmas light. Lawns seemed to out do lawns. There was classic white lights with wreaths and big red bows then lawns that seemed to come alive with dancing Santa's, moving reindeer and even Scuby Doo.