Finding Kajal
http://findingkajal.com
Finding Kajal
Adoptive boy sent back to Russia
I know that all of us, parents of children who are adopted, parents who adopted older children, parents of internationally adopted children, waiting parents and parents considering adoption are watching this story with an extreme mixture of emotion. Even those of you not touched by adoption, are watching the news and following this story.
The first time I saw the news clip, my heart broke for the child... facing every adopted child's worst nightmare, being sent back. I wont judge the family, it' s not my place to do that and the news never seems to get the 'whole' story, but if what we're reading even comes close to being true you have to at least ask the questions... why wasn't the child evaluated by psychologists here in the United States, why didn't the family seek help here before resorting to the worst possible outcome.
The damage this situation can do to international adoption is huge. The Russian program can be placed on hold once again and other countries may challenge and question their adoption/child placement relationship with America. I think of all the children, that if these programs are shut down, will not find their forever homes. The children that could sit hungry in orphanages around the world. How can we not think about the impact that one families actions can have on them?
I think of my friend who adopted two incredibly precious older children from Russia and how miraculous their family is, today. What if those boys were still in Russia and their adoption placed on hold?
I think of all of the parents waiting for their Russian children now and all those children anxious to come home to those parents, what becomes of them, of their chance at happily ever after?
Every horror story, we'd like to believe holds a lesson. The lesson shouldn't be that a waiting parent should give up their idea of international adoption or older child adoption... or run scared because of what they read in the newspaper. Perhaps the lesson is simply to step back and learn, learn how to prepare, learn how to help these incredible children who hold a world of hope in their heart and the potential to love and impact the world, for the better.
We've been blessed that our blog has been followed by over 50,000 readers around the world.. to those of you who touch base and read this entry today I'd like to ask you to think about a few things. To share this entry with anyone touched by adoption, considering adoption or judging older child or international adoption. Share this:
Older child adoption and international adoption has it's challenges. I don't negate that. We embrace and adopt children who often come from lives we would never wish for any child. They have been abandoned and neglected. Perhaps they've been abused and most likely, they've been cold, hungry and had to survive on their own at incredibly young ages. There is always mystery around what they have experienced and there is always potential for great love and bonding.
My daughter, Kajal, lived through extreme negative circumstances in India until she was almost 6 years old when I flew to India, with my mother, to adopt her and bring her home. Her first months were tumultuous... with extreme mood swings and her fears and past trauma had her screaming at night. She acted out and she had tantrums.... but she was full of love and joy for her new life. She knew what she had survived, come from and she embraced her life with hope and willingness to learn new rules, new behaviors. She still walks through the world daily with a glow of appreciation and gratitude that makes every moment, every experience, beyond precious.
An adoptive parents responsibility is to prepare themselves for all the challenges that can present with a child who has potentially survived trauma, who has survived neglect. To take classes, read books and articles, explore positive behavioral solutions. To have professionals on call ready to meet with the child when they first arrive and to continue to meet with the child to evaluate and support the child and the families needs in the coming months and years.
Even a birth parent has no idea what challenges their child will present in life... life is full of surprises, positive and negative. It is our responsibility as parents to embrace every experience, rise to every challenge and protect our children. Help them grow into productive adults who can hopefully, bring something positive to the world. Make a difference with their own life.
If your child had a toothache, wouldn't you bring them to a Dentist? A broken bone, a Doctor? A past filled with hurt or mystery, a Psychologist?
It's our responsibility to find the resources to help our children become all that they can be. Every child has the potential to become, amazing, in their own right. In their own way.
I love and adore my daughter with my whole being. She is the center of my world. The trauma of her past may have presented some behavioral challenges in the first year and bumps along the road since but these traumas she has survived have made her that much more special... that much more unique, loving and compassionate. She is intelligent and kind, spiritual and generous. She amazes me every day.
How many times in these first two years has she pushed me, challenged me, acted out... daring me to prove her worst nightmare will come true? That I will send her back. More times than I can count. Every adoption book will teach you this, that especially with older child adoption, our children will challenge us. Push us to act out and prove to them that yes, they are what they believe to be, worthless and unlovable.
As her parent, legal, adoptive and with my whole heart and being it was my job to teach her right from wrong while at the same time reassuring her that no matter what she does.. I will always love her, always fight for her and always be there for her. That I will never leave her... we will always work though our difficulties, together. After a period of reassurance I see the peace come back in her eyes and her spirit and she is happy, once again. She thrives physically, psychologically, socially and academically. She is loved and she loves, with her whole heart.
Those instances, those moments of challenge are so rare now and our days are filled with joy and love.
We laugh all the time... we are happy.
The first time I saw the news clip, my heart broke for the child... facing every adopted child's worst nightmare, being sent back. I wont judge the family, it' s not my place to do that and the news never seems to get the 'whole' story, but if what we're reading even comes close to being true you have to at least ask the questions... why wasn't the child evaluated by psychologists here in the United States, why didn't the family seek help here before resorting to the worst possible outcome.
The damage this situation can do to international adoption is huge. The Russian program can be placed on hold once again and other countries may challenge and question their adoption/child placement relationship with America. I think of all the children, that if these programs are shut down, will not find their forever homes. The children that could sit hungry in orphanages around the world. How can we not think about the impact that one families actions can have on them?
I think of my friend who adopted two incredibly precious older children from Russia and how miraculous their family is, today. What if those boys were still in Russia and their adoption placed on hold?
I think of all of the parents waiting for their Russian children now and all those children anxious to come home to those parents, what becomes of them, of their chance at happily ever after?
Every horror story, we'd like to believe holds a lesson. The lesson shouldn't be that a waiting parent should give up their idea of international adoption or older child adoption... or run scared because of what they read in the newspaper. Perhaps the lesson is simply to step back and learn, learn how to prepare, learn how to help these incredible children who hold a world of hope in their heart and the potential to love and impact the world, for the better.
We've been blessed that our blog has been followed by over 50,000 readers around the world.. to those of you who touch base and read this entry today I'd like to ask you to think about a few things. To share this entry with anyone touched by adoption, considering adoption or judging older child or international adoption. Share this:
Older child adoption and international adoption has it's challenges. I don't negate that. We embrace and adopt children who often come from lives we would never wish for any child. They have been abandoned and neglected. Perhaps they've been abused and most likely, they've been cold, hungry and had to survive on their own at incredibly young ages. There is always mystery around what they have experienced and there is always potential for great love and bonding.
My daughter, Kajal, lived through extreme negative circumstances in India until she was almost 6 years old when I flew to India, with my mother, to adopt her and bring her home. Her first months were tumultuous... with extreme mood swings and her fears and past trauma had her screaming at night. She acted out and she had tantrums.... but she was full of love and joy for her new life. She knew what she had survived, come from and she embraced her life with hope and willingness to learn new rules, new behaviors. She still walks through the world daily with a glow of appreciation and gratitude that makes every moment, every experience, beyond precious.
An adoptive parents responsibility is to prepare themselves for all the challenges that can present with a child who has potentially survived trauma, who has survived neglect. To take classes, read books and articles, explore positive behavioral solutions. To have professionals on call ready to meet with the child when they first arrive and to continue to meet with the child to evaluate and support the child and the families needs in the coming months and years.
Even a birth parent has no idea what challenges their child will present in life... life is full of surprises, positive and negative. It is our responsibility as parents to embrace every experience, rise to every challenge and protect our children. Help them grow into productive adults who can hopefully, bring something positive to the world. Make a difference with their own life.
If your child had a toothache, wouldn't you bring them to a Dentist? A broken bone, a Doctor? A past filled with hurt or mystery, a Psychologist?
It's our responsibility to find the resources to help our children become all that they can be. Every child has the potential to become, amazing, in their own right. In their own way.
I love and adore my daughter with my whole being. She is the center of my world. The trauma of her past may have presented some behavioral challenges in the first year and bumps along the road since but these traumas she has survived have made her that much more special... that much more unique, loving and compassionate. She is intelligent and kind, spiritual and generous. She amazes me every day.
How many times in these first two years has she pushed me, challenged me, acted out... daring me to prove her worst nightmare will come true? That I will send her back. More times than I can count. Every adoption book will teach you this, that especially with older child adoption, our children will challenge us. Push us to act out and prove to them that yes, they are what they believe to be, worthless and unlovable.
As her parent, legal, adoptive and with my whole heart and being it was my job to teach her right from wrong while at the same time reassuring her that no matter what she does.. I will always love her, always fight for her and always be there for her. That I will never leave her... we will always work though our difficulties, together. After a period of reassurance I see the peace come back in her eyes and her spirit and she is happy, once again. She thrives physically, psychologically, socially and academically. She is loved and she loves, with her whole heart.
Those instances, those moments of challenge are so rare now and our days are filled with joy and love.
We laugh all the time... we are happy.
Routine equals Security
When I was first preparing to bring Kajal home I remember my social worker explaining to me the importance of establishing routines. Routines equal security she would say. I read as many books as I could get my hands on, read articles on the subject... everything I could find about adoption, adoption of older children, international adoption, adoption of children who have been institutionalized... I read until the wee hours of every morning. Consistently this subject of routine came up. But no one explained how to create routines in what felt like chaos... those early days were full of such extreme mood swings that I couldn't help but switch out aspects of our routine as I desperately tried to find solutions that would calm Kajal when she needed calming.
We had such incredible moments of joy but then the tantrums would happen out of the blue and the concept of routine would go out the window. It was pretty much about survival for both of us.
Life has become so peaceful now, for the most part. Normal actually. It's amazing how far we've come and how incredible life is. We do have our routines though, it's become easier now that I've come to realize what works and what doesn't. My mother has helped as well with this in guilding Kajal to establish her daily chores.
I don't allow Kajal to eat anything with sugar after 6 PM and we've been reading chapter books at night before bed. That helps a huge amount. Did I mention that Kajal's reading and comprehension has caught up and she is exactly where she's supposed to be in her first grade class. Not just that but they did math testing and she placed 1st in her class! First! I am constantly in awe of her natural intelligence and how fast she's learned.
As you know, Kajal has been going to sleep in her own bed. This is HUGE! Everynight it's the same thing, 7:30(ish) we head to bed. Logan, our little Cavalier King Charles even comes with us. Logan curls up at the end of the bed and I select the next book in the series we've started, The Magic Treehouse. If you haven't explored these yet, try them. They are truly wonderful. Every story is about a brother and sister who travel through time and the world in their magic treehouse. Every book is full of fun facts and learning about everything from the Moon to the Wild West, Africa or the Ocean... wonderful magical journeys take place. Kajal loves them and we started at book 1 and have been working are way through the series. We read about half a book each night (thank goodness there are over 30 in the series) and I wouldn't be surprised if when we get to the last one we just start again.
This little routine is very peaceful and Kajal usually drifts off as I read to her, which is a miracle in itself.
Yesterday we were at a Barnes and Noble and Kajal picked out a book about a girl with a magical dress. When bedtime came, she asked me to read this one. I did and as I read, Kajal got more and more stressed out. She started crying about the fact that she knew I'd be leaving her at some point during the evening, then she fought to go to my room vs. stay in her own. She got very angry at me and at one point asked me to leave. When I did, she snuck into my room and made a point of going to sleep on the side of the bed I always sleep in.
Tonight when I took her to bed she again, asked me to read the new book. I started to and sure enough, the tears started and the stress began.
Mommy, you can't leave me.
I wont Kajal. I'll never leave you.
But you're going to go down stairs and watch tv with Grandma!
Yes I am, but only after you go to sleep. And that's not leaving you Kajal, that's only going downstairs. We'll still all be in the same house.
You supposed to go to sleep with me. Parents are supposed to sleep with their children.
No honey, most parents and children sleep separately. They also have different bedtimes. I stay with you to help you because I know you're afraid at night.
Well then, she says, your supposed to stay with me then take a bath and go to bed.
Who said this? I ask....
It just is, she replys and glares at me.
Kajal, if you remember, in Boston you would go to sleep then I would go to the living room and sit on the couch and read or watch tv. Rememer? You would wake up and come to get me?
Yes, but in Boston, I could see you! I could hear you! I don't like this house, it's too big! It has stairs!
Hmmmm. Kajal, the house is bigger so that we have room for Grandma and room for your future brothers and sisters. But it's still safe and it's still our home.
I thought about her anxiety, reaching for an idea to calm her down again.
Hey Kajal, I think we should read a Magic Treehouse book, okay.
I could see how tired she was but she was letting the adrenelin of stress keep her awake.
I grabbed the next in the series, a book about Africa and Lions and started to read.
Not five minutes into the book she started to relax. She read a few pages and then happily listened to me read. Although she did try to lcok her arm through mine,something she does when she's afraid I might leave her during the night... it's her way of physically trying to 'chain' me to her.
About two chapters in, she had fallen happilly and peacefully asleep.
Thank you Magic Treehouse!
Routine, routine equals security. It is something so simple but in the chaos of daily living it's easy to brush it off and 'go with the flow'. It's not worth it.... the disruptions are too much for our precious children who never had security, stability or routine in their little lives. They need routine more than any other child... the continuous flow of one day into another. The security of knowing what comes next.
Peace.
PS
Since posting this entry several of you have asked about the Magic Treehouse Series... the best way I've found to get this is through Scholastic (www.scholastic.com) they offer huge discounts for a large part of the set (75% off retail price, yep 75%) have your childs teacher sign up for an account at scholastic, then you can get a sign on and order on line... for ever online order the classroom gets a free book... it's win win!
PS
Since posting this entry several of you have asked about the Magic Treehouse Series... the best way I've found to get this is through Scholastic (www.scholastic.com) they offer huge discounts for a large part of the set (75% off retail price, yep 75%) have your childs teacher sign up for an account at scholastic, then you can get a sign on and order on line... for ever online order the classroom gets a free book... it's win win!
Speak India to me Mommy
My mother and I were hanging out with Kajal after dinner the other day and Kajal said 'speak India to me Mommy'.
Well, I never really mastered much Marathi prior to picking Kajal up so I certainly hadn't retained any in the last two years. Well, I don't really remember much, baby. Hmmm, let me think...
Well, I can tell you a few things I remember but it may not exactly be Marathi....
Namaste (the beautiful Hindi greeting)
Badroom (Kajal's first word to me our first night in the hotel, yes, her way of telling me she needed the bathroom)
Shakalah (I have no idea if this was Marathi but it sounded like that and it was Kajal's way of demanding sugar)
Kajal hooted and hollared and laughed with glee at my lack of accent.
What about you, Kajal. Do you remember any Marathi words?
Hmmmm... she thought about it. No, Mommy, they're locked away in my head.
I remember how beautifully she spoke the language and then how afraid she was of anyone who spoke the language to her when we came home. She was so traumaticized by her life experience that when she came to the states she shut down if anyone tried to speak with her in her native language.
Unfortunately, we don't know anyone yet nearby of Indian heritage but I'm feeling that it's critical that we find and connect with some local Indian families. I'd like to expose her more to her native culture. I was so gungho about it when we first came home but with the exception of wearing bindi's and Indian clothes her reaction to anything from India was often negative. 'India bad' she would say or 'India hurt children'. How could I argue with that? Her life in India was extremely painful and full of lonely hardship.
I do keep books of India around the house, always within reach and have played Indian music. I try and remind her of the good... the beauty that exists in India. My brother works with a woman from India who sent Kajal some beautiful gifts from India, clothing and dolls, bangles. She had never even met Kajal but extended such loving kindness and generosity... I want Kajal to know this about India too. That there are loving, kind and gentle Indian people who can connect with her in ways she has yet to experience.
It's so easy to get caught up in 'life' in daily living but I think it's also important to take the time to explore aspects of her cultural history and identity in ways that can help her come to celebrate where she was born and who she is, as a child of India.
After all, she has the most beautiful spirit, a reflection of where she has come from, what she has lived through and who she is becoming...
Photographs of Life in South Carolina
First hair cut... after Kajal came home practically bald we have been gun shy about having even an inch taken off of her beautiful hair. it was time though, time for a little trim. She was nervous and excited at the same time.
She absolutely believes in magic... fairies, Santa Claus and yes, the Easter Bunny. 
Learning how to surf on a dora boogie board (video to come)
She is so happy... most of the time 
goofing around with a very dear new friend
Our new home town of Summerville., SC is referred to as the 'Flowertown' because of it's tens of thousands of flowers that blossum in the spring. The town throws a festival called the 'Flowertown Festival' every year and Kajal had a blast. Hundreds of artists exhibit their booths and as Kajal is an artist herself, we thought she should have her own personalized artist lap desk.
The festival had some amazing airbrush artists who did beautiful artwork on the children's faces... Kajal wanted to try out being a 'butterfly' for the day. How perfect... her room is full of decorative butterflies and I've always thought that butterflies represent rebirth... just as my baby began her new life with me.
trying on a new outfit her Grandfather sent to her
first day riding a bike, really riding a bike! (video to come) she was so proud and so happy, she took to it almost immediately! It was time for her and she literally seemed to fly.
I didn't think I'd splurge for an American Girl doll, they're just so expensive and such an incredible luxury. My sister Linda surprised her with one and Kajal absolutely adores her. She name her new little girl... Kajal.
Southern Breathtaking Beauty and overprotective Moms.
I wish you all could see it... spring is here in the south and the natural beauty takes our breath away. As we drive down the street the Live Oak trees soar over head, moss floats in the wind along side thousands of blooming wisteria plants. The wisteria is like nothing I've ever seen and it's literally, everywhere. Driving down a highway or a country road the lavendar flowers drape above and around you. Thousands of fuscia azalea flowers bloom as well, in front of homes, lining the winding roads... White flowering pear trees and dogwoods are everywhere... I've never seen such natural, breathtaking beauty and it's literally all around us, everywhere we go.
I was driving down a busy road, full of traffic in bright daylight the other day and a deer stepped in the road. We're talking a traffic filled busy street and there she was, delicate as can be... eyes huge and full of fear, questioning herself which way to go. I prayed like crazy that she would be safe as I inched my car along, whispering over and over... go back, run from the road. My mother and I stared in awe (oh I wish Kajal had been with us) as she stepped forward first, looking at us and the other cars racing by and then, thank God, she turned and ran back into the woods lining the street. Mom! We saw our first deer! We are really in the South now!
As much as I miss Boston, this natural landscape truly has captured our hearts... we love the nature, the flowers the trees and yes... the deer. It amazes us, city women and child that we are. Kajal thanked me the other day, for the trees. She loves all that she see's and we all find ourselves constantly oooohing and aaaaahing at the blossuming beauty around us.
I'm trying to learn to garden... I've killed every house plant I've ever had but for some reason I'm really into the concept of filling my yard with flowers and creating a natural and peaceful haven for us. I'm reading as many books on gardening in the area that I can find and carry a 5 pound book on 'flowers of the south' everywhere that I go. I'm still confused at how often to water the yard as I've got a combination of sod and seed depending on where you're standing. Kajal's totally into it and we even found a little princess spade and garden kit for her. I was outside watering the yard today when Kajal came out and asked about going to a friend down the street. I told her we could go after I was done and she disapeared from sight. I finished my work and went into the house to look for her so that I could take her to the neighbors when I found that she was gone.
My heart started to race as I ran through the house calling her name and then I knew... she'd gone anyway, without me. Now granted it's only a few houses away but the thought of her leaving by herself, walking down the street without me or my mother watching over her, without someone we trust watching over her... that freaked me out. I ran towards the neighbors house and heard the laughing voices in their front yard. Car's blocked my view but I called out Kajal's name, louder and louder until she finally responded and ran towards me.
Kajal, you're coming home now! Now! As she walked towards me, doubt and fear on her face, I didn't care who was listening.
You never, NEVER leave the house without me or Grandma! You NEVER go anywhere alone! Play time is OVER! In the house NOW!
I sat her down in the house and as her bottom lip started to quiver and the tears started to fall, I explained very clearly to her that it is my job to keep her safe. I set rules for reasons, those reasons are based on my love for her and my wish to keep her safe from harm. I care for you, I worry about you because I love you and that is the reason we have these rules.
As her nose started to run and the tears fells what was most heart breaking was her eyes... they started to glaze over as she glared at me unblinkingly. They radiated anguish and self doubt.
I knew I had to be firm, teach this lesson, drive home the importance of this critical rule but watching her crumble, watching the pain in her face, the doubt I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay.
I asked her to sit closer, to let me hold her while we talked but she held herself firm and kept distance between us. She told me she hated me and I told her that was okay. I loved her always. Then she whispered that she loved me still, too.
Am I being too protective? I dont think so. I see the children that run the streets alone, without families watching over them and then I hear the stories on the news at night. Too many stories of children hurt by accidents, by strangers.
It's such a fine line... letting them spread their wings and discover their independence while also keeping them safe. Half the time I don't know what to do, I question myself, I wonder.... am I making her worse, weaker or am I teaching her how to be strong?
I was driving down a busy road, full of traffic in bright daylight the other day and a deer stepped in the road. We're talking a traffic filled busy street and there she was, delicate as can be... eyes huge and full of fear, questioning herself which way to go. I prayed like crazy that she would be safe as I inched my car along, whispering over and over... go back, run from the road. My mother and I stared in awe (oh I wish Kajal had been with us) as she stepped forward first, looking at us and the other cars racing by and then, thank God, she turned and ran back into the woods lining the street. Mom! We saw our first deer! We are really in the South now!
As much as I miss Boston, this natural landscape truly has captured our hearts... we love the nature, the flowers the trees and yes... the deer. It amazes us, city women and child that we are. Kajal thanked me the other day, for the trees. She loves all that she see's and we all find ourselves constantly oooohing and aaaaahing at the blossuming beauty around us.
I'm trying to learn to garden... I've killed every house plant I've ever had but for some reason I'm really into the concept of filling my yard with flowers and creating a natural and peaceful haven for us. I'm reading as many books on gardening in the area that I can find and carry a 5 pound book on 'flowers of the south' everywhere that I go. I'm still confused at how often to water the yard as I've got a combination of sod and seed depending on where you're standing. Kajal's totally into it and we even found a little princess spade and garden kit for her. I was outside watering the yard today when Kajal came out and asked about going to a friend down the street. I told her we could go after I was done and she disapeared from sight. I finished my work and went into the house to look for her so that I could take her to the neighbors when I found that she was gone.
My heart started to race as I ran through the house calling her name and then I knew... she'd gone anyway, without me. Now granted it's only a few houses away but the thought of her leaving by herself, walking down the street without me or my mother watching over her, without someone we trust watching over her... that freaked me out. I ran towards the neighbors house and heard the laughing voices in their front yard. Car's blocked my view but I called out Kajal's name, louder and louder until she finally responded and ran towards me.
Kajal, you're coming home now! Now! As she walked towards me, doubt and fear on her face, I didn't care who was listening.
You never, NEVER leave the house without me or Grandma! You NEVER go anywhere alone! Play time is OVER! In the house NOW!
I sat her down in the house and as her bottom lip started to quiver and the tears started to fall, I explained very clearly to her that it is my job to keep her safe. I set rules for reasons, those reasons are based on my love for her and my wish to keep her safe from harm. I care for you, I worry about you because I love you and that is the reason we have these rules.
As her nose started to run and the tears fells what was most heart breaking was her eyes... they started to glaze over as she glared at me unblinkingly. They radiated anguish and self doubt.
I knew I had to be firm, teach this lesson, drive home the importance of this critical rule but watching her crumble, watching the pain in her face, the doubt I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay.
I asked her to sit closer, to let me hold her while we talked but she held herself firm and kept distance between us. She told me she hated me and I told her that was okay. I loved her always. Then she whispered that she loved me still, too.
Am I being too protective? I dont think so. I see the children that run the streets alone, without families watching over them and then I hear the stories on the news at night. Too many stories of children hurt by accidents, by strangers.
It's such a fine line... letting them spread their wings and discover their independence while also keeping them safe. Half the time I don't know what to do, I question myself, I wonder.... am I making her worse, weaker or am I teaching her how to be strong?
Living the Dream
Simple Fun. We've been drawing closer and closer with our new neighbors. We're really blessed that we have some neighbors who approach relationships the same way we do. They are kind and generous and extremely interested in building lasting relationships with one another. We talk of summer barbeques together and have already started a carpool to take the children to the bus stop in the morning. We all seem to get that 'it takes a village' and the enthusiasm for building a life together is genuine and enthusiastic. We came together this Easter to have an Easter egg hunt for the children. We stuffed close to 600 eggs and spread them around the front laws of the cul de' sac and the children had a blast.
One of our neighbors has a blow up water slide for the children she set up yesterday and Kajal was in heaven, riding down it over and over again. We started our day with running through the sprinkler on the back lawn and even that simple pleasure had Kajal laughing with glee.
I had to run my mother to a doctors appointment today and our neighbor with the water slide came by and asked if Kajal could hang out with them while we were out and when I agreed, Kajal jumped for joy, screaming:
I'M LIVING THE DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she ran off to change into her swimsuit.
How beautiful is that?
One of our neighbors has a blow up water slide for the children she set up yesterday and Kajal was in heaven, riding down it over and over again. We started our day with running through the sprinkler on the back lawn and even that simple pleasure had Kajal laughing with glee.
I had to run my mother to a doctors appointment today and our neighbor with the water slide came by and asked if Kajal could hang out with them while we were out and when I agreed, Kajal jumped for joy, screaming:
I'M LIVING THE DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she ran off to change into her swimsuit.
How beautiful is that?
Easter Bunny and the Meaning of Easter
As I tucked Kajal in on Easter Eve she hid her head under the covers as she asked me to tell her about Easter and the first Easter Bunny.
The carrots were waiting on the kitchen table (for the bunny of course) the basket was placed prominently by the bed (the Easter Bunny believes in recycling) and the animals had been spoken with (pleaded with, to not chase the bunny).
Whisper, Mommy, so the Bunny won't think we're still awake.
Between the Bible and a combination of folk stories the tale was told.
First, I told her of Jesus. Of his death on the cross, of the boulder in front of the cave. Of the angel and of his resurrection. Then I told Kajal the story of the old man who came to town to sell his eggs when he saw the commotion in the street. He followed the crowd and saw Jesus. He was kind and offered him water, leaving his basket of eggs behind. The next day when the man went back to town he found the basket of eggs transformed into beautiful colors, like jewels. To mark the day, every year after that the man would fill basket with beautiful eggs and sweet treats and deliver them to children around his village. Year after year the mans pet rabbit would watch him paint the eggs and prepare and deliver the baskets. Until one year the man was too old to deliver the baskets so his rabbit took over and delivered them for him.
Kajal loves the story....at least, thank goodness she loves the way I tell it.
Mommy, does the bunny not deliver to children who are bad?
Well, I think the bunny believes that most children are good, are good in their hearts.
What about Santa though, he keeps a list. Bad or good. He doesn't come to bad children so what about the Bunny.
Kajal, are you worried the Bunny will think you're bad and not come?
Silence.
Baby, the bunny knows you're good, really wonderful, extra special good. We all have good days and bad days. We have moments when we do things we shouldn't. All that matters is that you're sorry when you do something wrong and you're willing to learn from it. You are kind and truly good, where it counts, all the time. In your heart. God knows it and the Bunny knows it.
Don't worry, Kajal, I'm sure the bunny will come.
Sleepy eyes closed and Kajal fell fast asleep. Until my whispered words telling her that I loved her woke her for a moment and she shushed me.... you have to be quiet mom! Or the bunny wont come! Then asleep she fell again.
Sure enough, the bunny came. A soft huggable pink bunny sat by her wicker basket filled with jelly beans and white chocolate bunnies, peeps and hair accessories. A little bit of Tinker Bell and webkinz and Kajal was filled with joy. She jumped up and down, I love the Easter bunny and the Easter bunny loves me! She shouted over and over.
Then she looked for the note...
What note honey? You know, Mommy . The note! The Easter bunny left me a note last year, I'm sure he'll leave one again. And she looked and she looked...
You know Kajal, I'm sure the Easter bunny really meant to leave a note but in his excitement of packing your basked with all the goodies you were hoping for it must have slipped his mind.
You're right mommy. It must have.
I think tomorrow Kajal will find the missing note, tucked away under her bed...
Telling her how much, the bunny loves her.
The carrots were waiting on the kitchen table (for the bunny of course) the basket was placed prominently by the bed (the Easter Bunny believes in recycling) and the animals had been spoken with (pleaded with, to not chase the bunny).
Whisper, Mommy, so the Bunny won't think we're still awake.
Between the Bible and a combination of folk stories the tale was told.
First, I told her of Jesus. Of his death on the cross, of the boulder in front of the cave. Of the angel and of his resurrection. Then I told Kajal the story of the old man who came to town to sell his eggs when he saw the commotion in the street. He followed the crowd and saw Jesus. He was kind and offered him water, leaving his basket of eggs behind. The next day when the man went back to town he found the basket of eggs transformed into beautiful colors, like jewels. To mark the day, every year after that the man would fill basket with beautiful eggs and sweet treats and deliver them to children around his village. Year after year the mans pet rabbit would watch him paint the eggs and prepare and deliver the baskets. Until one year the man was too old to deliver the baskets so his rabbit took over and delivered them for him.
Kajal loves the story....at least, thank goodness she loves the way I tell it.
Mommy, does the bunny not deliver to children who are bad?
Well, I think the bunny believes that most children are good, are good in their hearts.
What about Santa though, he keeps a list. Bad or good. He doesn't come to bad children so what about the Bunny.
Kajal, are you worried the Bunny will think you're bad and not come?
Silence.
Baby, the bunny knows you're good, really wonderful, extra special good. We all have good days and bad days. We have moments when we do things we shouldn't. All that matters is that you're sorry when you do something wrong and you're willing to learn from it. You are kind and truly good, where it counts, all the time. In your heart. God knows it and the Bunny knows it.
Don't worry, Kajal, I'm sure the bunny will come.
Sleepy eyes closed and Kajal fell fast asleep. Until my whispered words telling her that I loved her woke her for a moment and she shushed me.... you have to be quiet mom! Or the bunny wont come! Then asleep she fell again.
Sure enough, the bunny came. A soft huggable pink bunny sat by her wicker basket filled with jelly beans and white chocolate bunnies, peeps and hair accessories. A little bit of Tinker Bell and webkinz and Kajal was filled with joy. She jumped up and down, I love the Easter bunny and the Easter bunny loves me! She shouted over and over.
Then she looked for the note...
What note honey? You know, Mommy . The note! The Easter bunny left me a note last year, I'm sure he'll leave one again. And she looked and she looked...
You know Kajal, I'm sure the Easter bunny really meant to leave a note but in his excitement of packing your basked with all the goodies you were hoping for it must have slipped his mind.
You're right mommy. It must have.
I think tomorrow Kajal will find the missing note, tucked away under her bed...
Telling her how much, the bunny loves her.
April Fools!
What a simply adorable morning it was. Kajal woke up so excited, it was picture day! She had picked out a new dress and laid it out with care last night, even packed a change of clothes for a school race following the picture taking. She had me put a special pink bow in her hair and spun around, dress flying out around her.
Do I look like a princess mommy? Yes, Kajal, you look like my princess...
Do I look like princess Jasmine? A little bit, Kajal, but I think you look even prettier than Jasmine.
She practically raced down the stairs, eyes sparkling, full of anticipation.
As she skipped down our sidewalk she turned to me, oh Mommy, today is April first. Happy April Fools Day!
I laughed... the things she learns along the way. Yes, Kajal, it is April First! Happy April Fools Day to you too.
As she started to turn away, she turned back with a puzzled look on her face.
Oh, Mom?
Yeah, hon?
What exactly is April Fools Day?
I laughed. Another example of how she just goes along with things, not always quite understanding what she's going along with.
It's a day when people have fun with one another. They make jokes, they play pranks, they do silly, silly things.
Ooooh, now I understand, she says, as I see the wheels turning.
Mom, why did the Chicken cross the road?
I don't know honey, why?
To get to the other side!
She laughs at herself and her new joke (as old as it is, it seemed so funny coming out of her little lips) and I laugh with her.
Later in the day I was bringing packages in from outside when I heard screaming. Mom, Mom, come quick! Grandma had an accident!!!!! You've got to take to the doctor, you have to carry her to the car, NOW MOMMY!
I can barely breathe, running into the living room where I see my mother sitting back on the couch, leg up the ottoman. She looks pale... I think. She looks hurt. She's waving fragile hands in the air, waving towards her leg and she looks, scared.
I race in to the room, Kajal is sitting next to my mother pointing to her leg.
Look MOMMY! She broke her LEG!
I barely have time to process what's happened when....
APRIL FOOLS MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You've got to be kidding me???? Oh, yeah, they did.
Kajal laughed hysterically and my mothers pained look became one of barely controlled laughter. With a twinkle in her eye, she high fives Kajal and the two giggle endlessly.
They got me.... I couldn't be mad, I laughed too. I was just so relieved nothing was really wrong. And I couldn't stop staring at how cute Kajal was, laughing and giggling away with her co-conspirator.
Do I look like a princess mommy? Yes, Kajal, you look like my princess...
Do I look like princess Jasmine? A little bit, Kajal, but I think you look even prettier than Jasmine.
She practically raced down the stairs, eyes sparkling, full of anticipation.
As she skipped down our sidewalk she turned to me, oh Mommy, today is April first. Happy April Fools Day!
I laughed... the things she learns along the way. Yes, Kajal, it is April First! Happy April Fools Day to you too.
As she started to turn away, she turned back with a puzzled look on her face.
Oh, Mom?
Yeah, hon?
What exactly is April Fools Day?
I laughed. Another example of how she just goes along with things, not always quite understanding what she's going along with.
It's a day when people have fun with one another. They make jokes, they play pranks, they do silly, silly things.
Ooooh, now I understand, she says, as I see the wheels turning.
Mom, why did the Chicken cross the road?
I don't know honey, why?
To get to the other side!
She laughs at herself and her new joke (as old as it is, it seemed so funny coming out of her little lips) and I laugh with her.
Later in the day I was bringing packages in from outside when I heard screaming. Mom, Mom, come quick! Grandma had an accident!!!!! You've got to take to the doctor, you have to carry her to the car, NOW MOMMY!
I can barely breathe, running into the living room where I see my mother sitting back on the couch, leg up the ottoman. She looks pale... I think. She looks hurt. She's waving fragile hands in the air, waving towards her leg and she looks, scared.
I race in to the room, Kajal is sitting next to my mother pointing to her leg.
Look MOMMY! She broke her LEG!
I barely have time to process what's happened when....
APRIL FOOLS MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You've got to be kidding me???? Oh, yeah, they did.
Kajal laughed hysterically and my mothers pained look became one of barely controlled laughter. With a twinkle in her eye, she high fives Kajal and the two giggle endlessly.
They got me.... I couldn't be mad, I laughed too. I was just so relieved nothing was really wrong. And I couldn't stop staring at how cute Kajal was, laughing and giggling away with her co-conspirator.
Mommy, are you going to trade me in?
Life most days is wonderfully normal. We are happy. My mother living with us actually brings a youthful silliness to many of our days. I swear, she embraces life's simplicities at times in such refreshing ways... she has a way of laughing with Kajal, of kidding around with her that reminds me at times that I need to loosen up. We all find things to laugh about, to kid around about, together. Kajal has established her 'chores' thanks to my mothers rules. Initially, I bawked at some of the 'rules' my mother wanted to impart. I felt she was too strict... I know, I'm confusing you. Silly and strict, that's my mother... both, depending on the moment, depending on the day. I actually had a talk with her one day, maybe we can have less rules. I wanted to impart my own parenting style, less strict, more compassionate and creative. That was until I realized the house was cleaner, the homework got done faster and Kajal actually flossed her teeth on a regular basis when we tried living with a few of those rules. Kajal actually sets and clears the table for dinner every day and it still 'wows' me.
We're truly blessed, ... we live in a home full of love. Of course, as you all know, we also have our tough times. Real life, normal tough times and tough times that are more than a little intense due to Kajal's history. That being said, figuring out when the challenges derive from, 'normal' little girl moments of defiance vs. post traumatic stress resulting from her history in India, is where the question can lie... let me tell you the 'Barbie' scene that happened recently.
Kajal had been haunting me for a new Barbie video. First, I have to say, I've done everything in my power to steer Kajal away from traditional 'princess' stories and the whole 'Barbie' craze. I read books about children from around the world, focus on animals and creative learning etc. I just didn't want Kajal to fall into the 'prince will save me' path or 'have to look like barbie' to be accepted/beautiful, but all the Dora/Diego movies and ethnic hero's didn't keep my little one from falling into the princess/barbie craze. I gave in and just do everything I can to 'mix it up' for her as much as I can. That being said, she's been obsessed with the new Barbie Mermaid movie that just came out and I decided to create some motivation. I told her that I'd get the video for her if she did several things every day, for three days. Things like, go to sleep in her own room (with me holding her until she falls asleep, of course) brushing/flossing her teeth at least twice a day and a few other special household projects my mother came up with. Well, I made the mistake of admiting, by accident, that I'd already purchased the video and had it tucked away... BIG MISTAKE! When she realized it was actually in the house she almost had a melt down. I take that back, she had a meltdown.
Now, I know that the worst thing you can do is cave at a tantrum, but this wasn't exactly a tantrum. More like streaming, silent tears and pleading eyes... okay, maybe it was a tantrum. She actually went up to her room and lay down in her bed, crying silently for over an hour. I tried to talk sense into her but she just rocked back and forth with this dazed, teary eyed look repeating over and over, I want the Barbie Video.
I caved.
I actually found myself negotiating with her. I swear though, her eyes looked like she was in the worst possible pain in the world. Like I was holding food back from her or something. I still can't believe I caved. So I negotiated five days vs. three of everything we'd discussed and we made a chart together.
I still can't believe I caved and it only took two hours. What a wimp.
My mother could barely talk with me for the next day... what a way to teach a child a lesson.
On another night after she'd pulled some rude behavior on me I put her to bed and she could sense the disapointment in me. She asked me, Mommy, do you want to take me back to India and trade me in?
My mother thinks in these moments she's playing me. I don't. Well, in the barbie video scene she was playing me but in other moments, like this one, I know she's not. She really still wonders, more and more rare, thank God... but she wonders still, will I want to take her back.
I'll never trade you in, or take you back. It's you and me forever. I remind her.
If we adopt another child though, will you love them more than me? No baby, you'll always be special, you'll always be my first child. My Kajal. I will always love you, for you but I explain to her that I have enough love for more children and that I know, she has enough love to share too.
She has kept up her 'bargain' and every night now, I take her to her room and hold her until she falls asleep. This is huge. She's falling asleep, finally in her own room. Granted, she comes into my room every night, at some point, to crawl into bed and sleep with me but each night she seems to make it a little bit longer on her own. At first she fought against it. When the five days were up she was so psyched. Mommy, I can sleep in your bed again. I reminded her that her room was safe and that I wanted her to keep trying, because Mommy's and little girls are supposed to have their own rooms. She doesn't like that very much.
Will you stay with me until I fall asleep, Mommy? Yes, of course I will.
Oh, then I'll stay in my room forever! (Wow!)
As I pack Kajal's lunch box in the morning I often insert little surprises on. Tinker Bell stickers, a favorite treat or just a note reminding her that I love her.
I was running late the other morning and she surprised me by making her own lunch. When I came down stairs she held up her lunch box, radiating pride. I even made the peanut butter sandwich, Mommy, she smiled. I asked if I could check, just to make sure she had enough in there and sure enough, there was her little pudding pack, her yogurt stick, tangerine and sandwich. There also was a note on a napkin, 'I love you Kajal, Mommy' written out in her perfect little hand.
You know they know you love them, when they can copy your love notes as if it's just a matter, of fact.
We're truly blessed, ... we live in a home full of love. Of course, as you all know, we also have our tough times. Real life, normal tough times and tough times that are more than a little intense due to Kajal's history. That being said, figuring out when the challenges derive from, 'normal' little girl moments of defiance vs. post traumatic stress resulting from her history in India, is where the question can lie... let me tell you the 'Barbie' scene that happened recently.
Kajal had been haunting me for a new Barbie video. First, I have to say, I've done everything in my power to steer Kajal away from traditional 'princess' stories and the whole 'Barbie' craze. I read books about children from around the world, focus on animals and creative learning etc. I just didn't want Kajal to fall into the 'prince will save me' path or 'have to look like barbie' to be accepted/beautiful, but all the Dora/Diego movies and ethnic hero's didn't keep my little one from falling into the princess/barbie craze. I gave in and just do everything I can to 'mix it up' for her as much as I can. That being said, she's been obsessed with the new Barbie Mermaid movie that just came out and I decided to create some motivation. I told her that I'd get the video for her if she did several things every day, for three days. Things like, go to sleep in her own room (with me holding her until she falls asleep, of course) brushing/flossing her teeth at least twice a day and a few other special household projects my mother came up with. Well, I made the mistake of admiting, by accident, that I'd already purchased the video and had it tucked away... BIG MISTAKE! When she realized it was actually in the house she almost had a melt down. I take that back, she had a meltdown.
Now, I know that the worst thing you can do is cave at a tantrum, but this wasn't exactly a tantrum. More like streaming, silent tears and pleading eyes... okay, maybe it was a tantrum. She actually went up to her room and lay down in her bed, crying silently for over an hour. I tried to talk sense into her but she just rocked back and forth with this dazed, teary eyed look repeating over and over, I want the Barbie Video.
I caved.
I actually found myself negotiating with her. I swear though, her eyes looked like she was in the worst possible pain in the world. Like I was holding food back from her or something. I still can't believe I caved. So I negotiated five days vs. three of everything we'd discussed and we made a chart together.
I still can't believe I caved and it only took two hours. What a wimp.
My mother could barely talk with me for the next day... what a way to teach a child a lesson.
On another night after she'd pulled some rude behavior on me I put her to bed and she could sense the disapointment in me. She asked me, Mommy, do you want to take me back to India and trade me in?
My mother thinks in these moments she's playing me. I don't. Well, in the barbie video scene she was playing me but in other moments, like this one, I know she's not. She really still wonders, more and more rare, thank God... but she wonders still, will I want to take her back.
I'll never trade you in, or take you back. It's you and me forever. I remind her.
If we adopt another child though, will you love them more than me? No baby, you'll always be special, you'll always be my first child. My Kajal. I will always love you, for you but I explain to her that I have enough love for more children and that I know, she has enough love to share too.
She has kept up her 'bargain' and every night now, I take her to her room and hold her until she falls asleep. This is huge. She's falling asleep, finally in her own room. Granted, she comes into my room every night, at some point, to crawl into bed and sleep with me but each night she seems to make it a little bit longer on her own. At first she fought against it. When the five days were up she was so psyched. Mommy, I can sleep in your bed again. I reminded her that her room was safe and that I wanted her to keep trying, because Mommy's and little girls are supposed to have their own rooms. She doesn't like that very much.
Will you stay with me until I fall asleep, Mommy? Yes, of course I will.
Oh, then I'll stay in my room forever! (Wow!)
As I pack Kajal's lunch box in the morning I often insert little surprises on. Tinker Bell stickers, a favorite treat or just a note reminding her that I love her.
I was running late the other morning and she surprised me by making her own lunch. When I came down stairs she held up her lunch box, radiating pride. I even made the peanut butter sandwich, Mommy, she smiled. I asked if I could check, just to make sure she had enough in there and sure enough, there was her little pudding pack, her yogurt stick, tangerine and sandwich. There also was a note on a napkin, 'I love you Kajal, Mommy' written out in her perfect little hand.
You know they know you love them, when they can copy your love notes as if it's just a matter, of fact.
Why did you choose me, Mommy
Why did you choose me, Mommy? Kajal asked me tonight.
I didn't choose you, honey, God did. I asked God to find me the daughter meant for me, and he found you. He found me the perfect daughter for me and he found the perfect mother, for you. We were meant to be together. Like the Red Thread. (Her favorite fairy tale, a story about an invisible red thread that ties parents and children together who are meant to be together.)
I felt like she needed to hear more, needed to be reassured that I wanted her... that I would choose her.
Would you like me to list all the reasons that I love you?
Oh, yes, Mommy.
Okay... I love you because you have a kind heart. I love you because you are incredibly generous. I love you because you are so wise. I love you because you have a great sense of humor and know just when to be silly.
And so, on and on, I listed the reasons that I love her.
I read once that it puts too much pressure on a child to tell them that you 'chose them' but I always want her to know that we were meant to be together, to remind her that I truly believe that God chose us for one another.
I often try to take some time to tell her how special she is... take the time to share with her all the wonderful ways that she shines.
And wouldn't all of us, like to hear on a regular basis, all the ways that we are loved...
I didn't choose you, honey, God did. I asked God to find me the daughter meant for me, and he found you. He found me the perfect daughter for me and he found the perfect mother, for you. We were meant to be together. Like the Red Thread. (Her favorite fairy tale, a story about an invisible red thread that ties parents and children together who are meant to be together.)
I felt like she needed to hear more, needed to be reassured that I wanted her... that I would choose her.
Would you like me to list all the reasons that I love you?
Oh, yes, Mommy.
Okay... I love you because you have a kind heart. I love you because you are incredibly generous. I love you because you are so wise. I love you because you have a great sense of humor and know just when to be silly.
And so, on and on, I listed the reasons that I love her.
I read once that it puts too much pressure on a child to tell them that you 'chose them' but I always want her to know that we were meant to be together, to remind her that I truly believe that God chose us for one another.
I often try to take some time to tell her how special she is... take the time to share with her all the wonderful ways that she shines.
And wouldn't all of us, like to hear on a regular basis, all the ways that we are loved...