Have you ever stopped to look, really look, at holiday lights? Kajal finally seemed up to going out for a little bit so my mother and I bundled her up nice and warm and jumped in the car to 'see the lights'. From our home we can see the holiday lights start to appear in our neighbors lawns and being new to 'suburbia' we've been talking about taking a drive to check out all the decorations. I let Kajal guide the way... "turn that way mom!" "now go that way!" and she screamed and squeeled at every last Christmas light. Lawns seemed to out do lawns. There was classic white lights with wreaths and big red bows then lawns that seemed to come alive with dancing Santa's, moving reindeer and even Scuby Doo. 

We are settling in to our new home, it's amazing. Our home! Kajal is thrilled, although she is still too afraid to sleep in her own room. It's one of the few rooms in the house that really looks pulled together. I was standing in the doorway admiring the way I'd draped the canopy of her four poster bed and Kajal looked up at me questioning.

What are you smiling at Mom?

Your room, it's so beautiful. Isn't it?

Oh yes,  Mom, it's really beautiful.

What a great room to cuddle up in. To feel safe in. Hey Kajal, wouldn't you like to sleep here?

I'm going to Mommy.

You are? When?

When I'm married. When I'm 30. 

If you whine you don't get what you want

If you lose, don't cry because you're going to lose anyway, crying wont help you win

We did it! We moved into our first house! I still can't believe we closed and we've moved in. Until the last possible moment I had fear that something would get in the way... something would stop our dream from coming true. I'm usually pretty optimistic but I've made so many mistakes in my life... especially in the management of my finances. It's hard to believe I managed to pull it together in recent years, enough to buy a home. That being said, I still have burden's of old debt hanging over my head but hopefully with the lower cost of living in SC I'll be able to get ahead vs. always juggling one bill from another.

What is so incredible about owning vs. renting is something I didn't even realize I'd feel.... a sense of permanence. I could paint the walls any color I wanted, I don't have to rush to settle in... we have as much time as we want or need, to truly make it feel like our own.

Even the animals seem happier... more secure in their new environment. Kajal loves it! She danced into her room singing at the top of her lungs that she loved it. She keeps referring to the blue/green guest room across from her as her 'future brothers' room.

We can grow in the house... add to our family and that is the most incredible part of this dream. My mother seems happy too... we're all buildling this beautiful new life together.

We're exhausted... surrounded by boxes and full of peace at the same time.

Tonight when Kajal was going to sleep she turned to me, Mom, she asked. When someone bad makes you fall on a knife do you go to Heaven?

Hm?

Where did that come from, Kajal? I look around at our lovely new home and wonder if all of this good, all of this change is somehow making her feel more vulnerable. She still doesn't trust that 'good' lasts.

Oh, remember when I had a bad dream in Boston but I didn't tell you about it?

Yeah?

Well, I had this dream, about a bad man coming and sending you to heaven by making you fall on his big knife. What if he made you and Grandma fall on knives on purpose... what would happen to me if I was all alone?

Oh, baby. First of all, I am strong and am going to do everything in my power not to let anyone hurt me. We have an alarm system to protect us and I am taking lots of steps to keep us safe. We are living in a very safe place, we are going to be okay... for a really long time.

But what if Mom...

Well, then our family is bigger than you and me and Grandma... you have people who are your family forever and they will love you and take care of you too.  Your Uncle Phil, your friends Kim and George... they've all said if something bad happened to Mommy they would take care of you. It will be okay. You have so much love, your Aunt Linda, your Grandfather, your Aunt Lizzie... you are loved by sooooo many!

I hate talking about my potential loss but loss is real to her, she's been left alone... she knows the worst can happen. I hoped by letting her know, once again, that even though I would never leave her willingly and I'll do everything to keep us together that our family is bigger than 'us'...

I realize that she's been carrying this nightmare with her for months. Is it reminding her of memories lying latent in her heart and mind from her young years in India?

Honey, I ask, are you thinking about your India Mommy, the woman who's belly you came from?

You mean my Birth Mother, Mom? (she's so sophisticated!)

Yes....

No, Mommy, I was just thinking about my bad dream. About losing you.

Well, I asked God to keep us together for a really, really long time... until we're old and gray. I think he was listening and we're going to be okay. How long do you think we'll be together...

Forever and ever?

Yes, forever and ever....

She hugged me and once again, fell asleep peacefully, in my arms.

Recently, Kajal's art teacher asked the class to do a self portrait of themselves having a bad hair day. Kajal was confused. She raised her hand.

Yes, Kajal? The Teacher asked.

I've never had a bad hair day. Can I just paint me on a regular day?

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

Today was Adoption Day. We celebrated one year since the day we went to court to legalize our adoption. We planned a small celebration with a few of our new friends. Pizza and a small Tinker Bell cake. Kajal was so excited, she woke up as if it was her birthday, brimming with joy and excitement. As we walked to school I asked Kajal what she remembered of our Adoption day, last year. She smiled up at me.

We went to court and saw the Judge. She asked me do I want you to be my Mommy and I said YES! Then she asked you, do you want me to be your daughter and you said... YES DEFINITELY! Then she told you you have to get me cake and presents and icecream too! (the judge had mentioned I needed to get her the icecream)

We held hands and walked to school, singing Happy Adoption Day to Us to the tune of the Happy Birthday song. It was good.

When I picked her up after school she gave me the running hug she does daily that almost knocks me flat. How did your day go, baby? I asked. It was great Mom... I told everyone about my adoption day.

What did they say?

Awww... the kids were so funny. They all said they want one too!

Why?

So they can have cake and presents... she skipped all the way home.

We had a beautiful night.

On another, completely different note.... you know how I've mentioned that Kajal has been having a tough time with 'shadows and strange noises lately?' How impatient I've been? I happened to mention what Kajal has been experiencing to a neighbor who lives in the same apartment complex. She reminded me that Charleston is one of, if not the most 'haunted city' in America. But we live in Summerville, was my response. We're not in downtown Charleston and we don't live in an old home, we live in a brand new complex. She educated me. Summerville was settled a few hundred years ago and where our buildings were built was smack in path of some major battles and revolutionary war traffic. Never mind what happend here during the Civil War. She then went on to tell me she and her husband have seen shadows themselves. She described how just the other night she hear footsteps in her hallway and the sound of shuffling feet, she called out to her children thinking they were awake. When she went to investigate she saw a shadow shaped like a person moving down her hallway and she ran to her childrens rooms only to find them sound asleep.

Okay, now I'm feeling a little spooked.

I'm not sure what to believe but what this woman described is pretty much the same thing that Kajal has been describing for the last few weeks and here I'd thought she was just experiencing insecurity due to our move. Hmmm. Insecurity or ghosts? Talk about a quandry.

Tonight as Kajal was falling asleep in my arms, cozy and happy after her perfect Adoption Day celebration she said she had something very important to ask me. This is usually what she says when I've asked her to focus on sleeping, no more talking.

Kajal... it's sleep time. You know the rules, quiet time.

But Mom, it's really really important this time.

Okay, what is it?

Will you make me more of the little crosses tomorrow?

Uh, sure. Of course... why honey? What do you need them for?

I've been thinking, she whispered. I want to put them in Grandma's room and in my closet and by the other doors.

Okay, Kajal. I'll make a whole bunch. You can put them where ever you want and we can do our special ceremony over each one, okay?

That's perfect Mom. Thank you.

They do say children are more open to the mysteries around us...

My mother and I have been racking our brains trying to think of creative ways to help put Kajal's 'ghosts' to rest. She see's shadows around every corner, darting across the room... hears mysterious sounds. Yesterday I cut out some small paper crosses.

It's been so hard to write lately. So much is going on during the course of every day that I can barely think straight never mind sit down and capture the emotions, the experiences of the day. Kajal has adjusted to school and the climate here in South Carolina but her comfort level has been destroyed. She seems like a happy, well adjusted girl for the most part so I really thought she'd taken the move well. That she was emotionally ready for the next move into our new home. Assuming everything goes as planned in the next two weeks we'll be moving the end of the first week of November. Two moves in 3 months, it's alot for anyone to take never mind a 7 year old girl who has never really known security in her life.

She laughs, she plays... she charms. Then night time comes and we've gone back to how it was, almost, in the very beginning. Next week we celebrate one year from the date we became legally 'adopted' and November 14 will be our two year anniversary of the day I 'got her'. Anniversaries always shake things up. As I write this, I remember learning about it. How anniversaries can subconsiouslly bring about tremendous upheaval, even anniversaries of unknown or subconsious events.

Kajal is terrified of her own shadow. She tiptoes around our apartment, looking over her shoulder at every tiny noise. Someone knocks on the door, the dogs bark and screams at the top of her lungs. She's terrified of shadows outside the windows so I close the shades tight and then she imagines that beyond the shades, danger lurks. She wont walk to the bathroom alone, change her clothes or walk into a room.

I keep thinking, if this is what it's like in our apartment what will it be like in the new house? She wont go to sleep by herself, but she hasn't since the months leading up to the move. It's taking an hour to an hour and a half for her to fall asleep and she acts out during this time...chanting any word that comes to mind over and over, punching my arm, kicking her legs... whatever it takes to stay away until finally her eyes roll back in her head and she passes out.

I'm exhausted. I'm trying to be patient, understanding and supportive but some nights, like tonight.. I just lose it. I ended up yelling at her and stomping from the room which only made it worse, she had a full blown tantrum. I went back to comfort her and she pulled away chanting that I didn't love her, over and over again.

I know... I know. It's the move, the anniversary, the lack of security, it's all of it. I know I should remain calm and supportive but knowing it and doing it, all the time, are two different things.

Today after she finally fell asleep (close to 10 PM) I went out to take a jacuzzi (thank goodness for the apartment complexes pool and hot tub) it was freezing outside but I ran across the cold patio... my eyes glued to the fog curling over the hot water and all I could think of was that somehow, in that hot bubbling water I'd find my answers. I let myself sink into the water and said the Serenity prayer, over and over again.. hoping some how it would help ease the stress.

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

After endless recitals of this I realized I wasn't growing much calmer. If I have a Guardian Angel who happens to be anywhere near me right now and can hear my thoughts, I know you must be pretty disappointed in me, don't worry... I'm pretty disappointed in myself, too.

 

 

I had an appointment this morning and was running an hour late before I got home. I walked in the door and my mother had this panicked look on her face. Total panic.

She was terrified something had happened to me and all I could say was, come on Mom, I was only an hour late...

Kajal was in school and I couldn't see what the big deal was.

Talk about being selfish.

I love being an adult, love being my own boss and resented the guilt I felt at not checking in. I'm very blessed, my mother is a wonderful friend to me, a great mother and an incredible Grandmother. Living together has been very easy and Kajal has been so happy with our little family back together. I've embraced taking care of my mother and having another person to be responsible for. At least I thought I had. I didn't handle this well... tonight when my mother was heading to sleep she told me that it bothered her that I told her she 'shouldn't have worried' and of course, I handled it incredibly gracefully. I argued with her. I told her it was just an hour, that it wasn't a big deal. That I didn't want to have to check in or have to answer to her. She was hurt, I could see it but I was too frustrated to respond well.

My mother tends to think of the worst case scenario... I can't tell you how many times she hasn't reached me by phone for a day (when we lived in separate states) and when I finally connected with her she'd be in a panic, in tears, ready to get on a plane thinking that the worst had happened and I'd had a heart attack or been killed in a tragic accident. And of course, I would lose my patience. Several of these times I'd called her back only to find her phone turned off or she couldn't hear it ring... I may have even tried several times to no avail.

But tonight she brought up a good point as much as I hate to admit it. We do live together now and I need to be more considerate, recognize she worries and if I'm running late, let her know. Why couldnt' I just say that tonight instead of getting into it with her.

She brought up another point that scared the living daylights out of me, once I'd had some time to calm down and think about her words, after the fact of course. She told me she was scared that we didn't have a 'back up plan'. She doesn't walk well and can't drive. What if something did happen to me? My brother Phil is Kajal's guardian if anything really bad happened but he's in California.

What if I did get into an accident or get sick. I moved my family to a state where we know almost no one. I have one or two new friends... that's it. We're pretty much on our own. There's a young woman who is a total sweetheart who lives near by and has been helping with getting my mother to appointments when I'm working during the day. She lets me hire her by the hour to help us run errands and she is extremely kind. I also know one other incredible woman, my realtor who is fast becoming a cherished friend. I told my mother that I would ask them if they would be an emergency contact if something happened .... at least to pick Kajal up at school or get my mother to a grocery store. The realty is, in Boston, I had this massive network of people through Church, friendships and fellowship who cared about us and would have been there if anything happened. We weren't alone or on our own.

As I sit her thinking about being a single mother I realize I really do need a plan and I'm terrified at the risk I took to move to a new state so far from our support network. I'm terrified that something as small as breaking my leg or getting sick will leave my family vulnerable and struggling. I wonder if this leap that I took to move to better our life is really putting us at risk in ways I hadn't thought of.

As a single mom you take it one day at a time. You have faith that God will watch over you and support of love ones will help keep you sheltered from the storms. Your faith keeps you going but when the practical side hits like it did tonight, the fear can be overwhelming.

Tomorrow morning I'll owe my mother a huge apology. I'll make a plan, somehow and I'll promise to call, when I'm running late.

This morning we had one of those moments when the world stops for a moment and your heart feels like it froze. Just for a moment. Froze.

As I was making Kajal's lunch this morning and she was watching a little Disney before school she said, Mommy, I saw India this morning.
You did?
Yes, I watched the news. You know, the man talking that you like to watch who talks about things that are real, not fiction.
And what did he say?
He showed India. There were pictures of the castle (the Taj) and lots of children. They did the powder mark (the ceremony where they put powder dotted between the eyes)

And what else did you see, Kajal?

The children were hungry Mommy, really hungry. I think they took some to the hospital.

How did that make you feel baby?

I changed the channel Mommy. News isn't fun.

Kajal do you think about being hungry?

No (not very convincingly)

Do you know that Mommy will always make sure you have food?

Yes.

Do you know that Mommy will never let you go hungry?

Yes.

Are you sure?

yes...

And she throws herself into my arms and hugs me like you can't imagine.