Finding Kajal

Why did you choose me, Mommy

2010-03-13T03:28:00Z

Why did you choose me, Mommy? Kajal asked me tonight.

I didn't choose you, honey, God did. I asked God to find me the daughter meant for me, and he found you. He found me the perfect daughter for me and he found the perfect mother, for you. We were meant to be together. Like the Red Thread. (Her favorite fairy tale, a story about an invisible red thread that ties parents and children together who are meant to be together.)

I felt like she needed to hear more, needed to be reassured that I wanted her... that I would choose her.

Would you like me to list all the reasons that I love you?

Oh, yes, Mommy.

Okay... I love you because you have a kind heart. I love you because you are incredibly generous. I love you because you are so wise. I love you because you have a great sense of humor and know just when to be silly.

And so, on and on, I listed the reasons that I love her.

I read once that it puts too much pressure on a child to tell them that you 'chose them' but I always want her to know that we were meant to be together, to remind her that I truly believe that God chose us for one another.

I often try to take some time to tell her how special she is... take the time to share with her all the wonderful ways that she shines.

And wouldn't all of us, like to hear on a regular basis, all the ways that we are loved...

Abandonment Triggers

2010-03-11T02:09:00Z

This morning my baby woke up sad. This is so incredibly rare... she wakes up happy, sleepy, but happy. We giggle and laugh most mornings even as we rush to get ready for school. This morning was different.

Mom, the kids don't want me in first grade.

What do you mean?

They told me I don't belong there... I'm too old. I'm eight. They said first grade is for 6 and 7 year olds. I can't be in 1st grade anymore.

Hmmm... I wondered when the age 'thing' was going to come up. She was in tears. My heart broke for her...

Kajal, children don't always know what they're talking about. They don't know everything. Do you know why you are in first grade?

Because I was in India?

Yes, baby, because you were in India. You were in India when the other children were in Kindergarten. You are so special that when you came to the United States you needed to take a full year of Kindergarten to learn English. Now, you're in first grade, right where you belong.

But Mommy, the kids say I can't be, I'm too old.

It's not about age Kajal, it's about being where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there and you are right where you belong.

We had a beautiful day. Spring is here and the grass is struggling to turn green. Geese fly honking overhead and the sky, I've never seen a sky quite so breathtakingly blue. I finally splurged on the white rocking chairs I'd been dreaming of and as I sat rocking in one watching Kajal play with the neighborhood children, my heart was so happy. We truly were making a wonderful home for ourselves.

As Kajal fell asleep in my arms she struggled to open her eyes... Mommy, can I ask you one more question?

Sure baby, what?

If you stop wanting me will you send me back to India?

I kissed her forhead then looked deeply into her sleepy eyes....

Kajal, I will want you forever. I wouldn't want to live without you. I will never send you back to India... I will love you forever.

I tightened my arms around her and kissed her face, whispering of my lasting love until her eyes closed for the night and her breathing evened into the long deep breaths of a restful sleep.

I truly wouldn't want to live without her... she truly is my greatest joy, my greatest love.

With such a precious child, no matter how solid and normal lifes days may become these silent triggers always wait quitely in the minutes of each passing day. A word from a child in school, a misbehavior... anything that triggers the feelings of self doubt triggers the fear of abandonment. The fear of being sent away, living alone.

To think she carries this in her soul, the thought that if she does something wrong or that I may possibly, simply, stop wanting her, that she could be 'sent back', hurts my heart. I can't imagine experiencing such horrific fear at such a young age. I know what it's like to fall in love and fear my loved one will lose interest or move on without me. I thought that was the worst experience, the worst fear.

But nothing, no fear in the world compares to that of a child who has been left all alone in the world, who has struggled to find food. Who knows what it's like to live completely and utterly alone at 3 or 4 years old, younger. Without anyone watching over her or caring for her, figuring out how to live and survive all by themselves ... that childs fear, who knows now what love is and lives with the fear that it could leave her, leave her alone, again.

That is worse than any fear I can imagine.

I will truly love her forever and there is nothing in my life that means more, that I can ever imagine will ever mean more, than bringing her the peace and assurance that she truly is safe and loved, forever.

8, beautiful 8

2010-03-10T02:50:00Z

Kajal turned 8. Oh, she missed her friends, Lucy and Manisha... she missed Boston, but she was so excited, another birthday. It's so amazing to watch a child who spent her life not knowing what a birthday is, prepare for her 3rd birthday... but turning 8 years old. I think this year she really got it. She asked me a lot of questions about being born. Where was she born, is her birth mommy alive, did she come from a mommy's belly?

I know where I was born, Mommy. I was born in the place, the place where Manisha and I lived. The orphanage, she feels she was born at the orphanage. It makes sense, that's what she remembers now... as the memories fade away some remain. The hunger, the lack of toys, the lack of love.

She was so excited on this day though. We planned a special party the weekend before and my sister Linda surprised her with an American girl doll. The doll looks just like Kajal and she named her, Kajal. Her own little version of herself. She loves her, carries her everywhere.

The party was a huge success. Kajal's beginning to make friends, good friends. She's drawn to children who are 'kind' to her... this is so incredibly healthy. She's beginning to realize that she's worth that, she deserves to be treated well and with love.

We invited children from the neighborhood as well as a few friends from school and her closest friend here, Paisley. She was showed with presents, had a beautiful Tinker Bell cake and the children all stuffed their own bears. They played frisbee's and ball outside and one of my new, wonderful neighbors brought over a jump castle.

Kajal was in heaven! My neighbors daughter straightened her hair and painted princess makeup on all the girls.

The day was truly, magical.

Kajal with her new friends
looking all grown up
isn't she beautiful?

They really do, grow up too fast

Finding God, Finding a Church

2010-03-10T02:28:00Z

Mom, it's Sunday, we have to go to Church! God is waiting for us!

More than one Sunday has started out with Kajal waking me to the same chant. I thought... how hard can this be? Finding a church in the 'city of churches'. Charleston has more churches than any other city in the US. Summerville, our historic town just outside of Charleston has more than most major cities. I thought, no brainer, we'll find one in no time.

Not.

We tried a lovely historic Episcopalian church, the same as what we attended in Boston. Perfect we both thought, this will be great, just like home. Until I found out that the church was taking a stand against the national church and against all the beliefs that made me feel right at home with the church in the first place. Then the church was predominantly white... I mean, really white. We were at one service that had over 300 people in attendance and Kajal was the only person of color in the entire church. Part of the reason I moved to Charleston was to have more integration, more diversity. It didn't help that only three people said hello to us and not one child was kind to Kajal.

Next.

We joined a new and yet dear friend of ours to attend their church. A non-denominational church. The music was beautiful, we were off to a great start. The children's program seemed very sophisticated and exciting. Perfect. We were hopeful. The Pastor spoke with passion although I will admit, much more energetically than what I have experienced before. That's okay I thought, I'm from Boston, I'm used to more conservative. This is the South. They get more excited here... I can get used to that. Then I walked back to the room that Kajal was trying out a lesson in. The youth pastor was teaching his lesson and as the children followed along I saw two men wandering amoung the children. Not parents. Not teachers. Not even really doing, anything. Just watching the children. Standing close to them, watching them work over their shoulders. These men, didn't look educated or as if they were participating. They were just there, watching the children. I grabbed Kajal and practically ran for the door.

Next.

We tried a church we've heard alot about. It's huge, massive. Different. But Church. The church is so large that people attend services around the Charleston area and the pastor is only present one location. The service is then broadcasted live to all the other locations. Yes, you watch the service on a large screen. Okay, it was different but I'd met some people who really loved it and spoke so highly of it, I thought, we'll give it a shot. The children's program was huge! It seemed like there were classes spread out through a massive building. Kajal loved it right away. There were games and everyone was really friendly. The children seemed to be having a blast so she was thrilled. I walked into the main room and noticed tremendous diversity and everyone was incredibly friendly. Hmm... okay, maybe watching a service on a screen isn't so bad if you you've got all these warm and outgoing people around. Seems spiritual enough. Then the music started. Christian Rock and Roll. Really, really rock and roll. The lead singer was screaming at the top of her lungs and an electric guitar played along side two drumsets on raised stages surrounded by glass sound partitions to control the sound level. Kajal loved it. I ran.

I was so spoiled by my church in Boston, by the people, by the love. By the simple but inspirational service, It felt so right. Church has been the center of our lives since I brought Kajal home and we are missing that more than I can say.

When I woke up and suggested we just stay home one Sunday, Kajal told me that God wouldn't want us to 'quit' he'd want us to keep looking.

Yeah... I'm trying, but lately, it just seems easier to stay home.

Kajal at Sunday brunch after our foray into the world of Rock and Roll, Church

Snow!

2010-03-10T02:07:00Z

Yes, you read that right... it snowed in Charleston. We had 7 inches and lost our electricity for 24 hours. I have to admit, it was the first time I really doubted buying a house as a single mother. Here I can barely change the airconditioner filters without falling on my you know what. Who puts them in the ceiling anyway? My mother had returned to Florida for a month so Kajal and I were on our own. Kajal had been missing her Grandmother and had been very confused by her leaving. The first night, she set her place at the dinner table, the second she looked at me blankly and said "I don't have a Grandmother any more" I had to remind her that just because her Grandmother was travelling and not physically with us it didn't mean that she still wasn't her Grandmother. Thank God for my mother. The sensible one. When the snow hit, I thought... beautiful, we finally have a taste of New England. I was thrilled. It was beautiful, we went outside and Kajal caught snow flakes in her mouth. She danced around in the light and breathtaking falling snow until the cold hit her full force and she ran inside screaming and crying that she 'hurt' all over.

I was watching the news as they talked of nearly 20,000 Charlestonians out of power and I thought, quite arrogantly, not me... I'm in a new house, the lines are all under ground. Literally, the next moment... Poof! The power and the tv went out. Blackness. Total blackness. Kajal was asleep thank goodness and I was shaking in my slippers. The house that I loved so much all of a sudden seemed massive with dark and creepy shadows everywhere. I remembered my mother's hurricane lamp in the front closet and tripping of the couch and dogs running scared I made my way slowly until I finally managed to find it and light it up. No electricity? What do I now? I picked up the phone to call the company then realized, d'uh, phone was electric. I worried about warmth until I realized that I had a gas fireplace... yeah! Until I realized the switch that turned it on was electric.

I really wished I had a husband that night... that's the moment when you really feel alone... crazy for buying a house without someone who knows how to do more than put in a light bulb. My neighbors were all running generators and I thought, what would I even do with one if I had one? I'm not exactly Ms. Technical.

It all worked out thank God, Kajal woke to a world covered in a glistening white blanket and the world looked magical. Neighbors cooked chili and the children played with one another and before night rolled around again the snow had melted away and the electricity was back on. And me... I have a long list of emergency supplies that I've promised myself I'll have on hand the next time a storm hits. Hurricane, snow storm or otherwise.

It was funny though, here we move from New England to experience warm weather on a consistent basis and Charleston gets hit with the biggest snow storm they've had in fifty years.

our home after the snow

Are you listening?

2010-01-18T03:15:00Z

Have you ever noticed how you can whisper the word 'icecream' and your child can hear you from a room away but repeat 'please pick up your room' five times, escalating in volume and your child looks at you confused, 'I didn't hear you, Mom'.

Since as long as I can remember (well, much of the two years Kajal has been home with me) Kajal has asked for me to turn up the TV, turn up the radio, turn up the CD player and often complained that 'she couldn't hear me' when I asked her to do something. As she sits staring at the TV, playing on the computer or using her Leapster she focuses so completely on what she's doing that I can be standing right next to her and she wont hear me. When I lose my patience and raise my voice to get her attention she'll jump out of her skin and eye's wide whisper confused... but I didn't you, Mom.

About a year ago I brought it up with her doctors... should we test her hearing further? See if something is going on? No, they said... she's been submerged in this culture and language so quickly it takes time to process all that is going on around her, even the sound of my voice. They told me that she may literally hear me simply as background noise, not using specific words unless she's totally focusing on me at the time I'm speaking with her.

It seems like it's been getting worse though, lately. Several times a day Kajal will ask me to repeat myself or express that she hasn't heard something I've said to her. I finally called the Doctor and asked her to refer us to an ENT (Ears Nose Throad expert) to check her out 'just in case'.

I was pretty much prepared to have them tell us that everything was okay and then I could explain to Kajal that she really does need to simply pay attention to what's going on around her a little bit more.

That's not what happened.

The Doctor ran some quick tests and in moments told me that Kajal had massive hearing loss in her right ear. Hmmm.. maybe I'd been whispering 'ice cream' while standing on the left side. Oops.

I felt so small. My child was trying to tell me something, for a very long time and I was the one not hearing her.

Fluid was trapped behind her eardrum resulting in the hearing loss... the Doctor showed me a picture of what could have happened to her eardrum if we didn't treat it, right away. The damage could have become permanent. Thank goodness, with a month of treatment she's got a good chance of getting her hearing back.

Please God, I prayed, let me listen, really listen to Kajal when she's trying to tell me sometihng! It's so easy to get bogged down by life, overwhelmed and how quickly we make excuses to justify why something is the way it is versus taking the time to listen to our children and make the appointments to make sure everything really is, okay.

I never stopped to think something really could be 'wrong'. If she told me she couldn't hear the TV, I'd tell her to stop talking and 'listen'.

I felt sick when I realized what I'd missed and furious with myself for not following my instincts a year ago when I first noticed the problem and bought into the Doctors excuses versus insisting on having her tested.

One more lesson, learned.

Crime Stopping Mommy and Holiday Happieness

2010-01-06T04:28:00Z

Christmas Eve morning dawned early. Kajal woke up while it was still dark out (as usual) and asked me to walk her to the office and settle her into the computer. She loves playing learning games and watching videos on the computer but is terrified of walking through the house in the early morning darkness. I often get up, turn on the lights, get her settled then try and catch an hour or so more of sleep. We woke up this morning all excited... Happy Christmas Eve!!!! We hugged each other and wondered about Santa's big evening. I walked in to my office and settled in her at my desk which looks down over the front lawn and other homes in our little Cul-de-sac. In the darkness outside I noticed a Uhaul backed up to the house across the street from us. My heart started to race, I knew the house was still being built and was unoccupied, the new owners hadn't even closed on it.

Let me back up. As you know, we moved into our new house, our first house, this past November. I built a home with a local builder (so exciting picking everything out, built it all energy efficient etc, really cool) but a major problem we found during the building process is that during the time that a new home is completed but prior to new owners moving in the houses are being robbed. I had my washer and dryer stolen between the time they were delivered and my closing date. Although the town we moved into has an extremely low crime rate one of the rare issues is that these new homes that are sitting empty become targets and they've been broken into and raided, quite often. 3 houses in our little area had been robbed like mine, of appliances etc. Due to the current economic crisis, I knew that 4 house out of 8 in our little cul-de-sac had their financing fall through and were now sitting empty waiting for the owners to obtain new financing or for the builder to sell them.

So here I am, knowing these houses are sitting ducks and I see a uhaul backed up to a house in the cloak of darkness... all my warning bells went off. I called 911. As I spoke with the officer the truck pulled away and took off. The officer asked me to call again if I noticed anything else happen and I went about my day. My adrenalin was rushing so I skipped going back to sleep, kissed Kajal and took the dogs out for a walk. When I returned in to the house something, screaming instinct, made me look back out around our street. The Uhaul was back, only this time it was two houses down from me (another empty house) and in the still dark morning, a man was lifting an appliance into the back of the truck.

I didn't think... I ran out of my house toward the criminal. I screamed at the top of my lungs, waving my arms in the air "You Bastards!!!!! Get out of our NEIGHBORHOOD!!!! GET OUT OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!" The man freaked, dropped the appliance, took of at a run, jumping back into the truck and peeled out. I called 911 again, "They came back! They just tried to rob another house and I scared them off... their headed for the exit of our community... etc etc" The police were on it, not 2 minutes later I heard sirens and 5 minutes later a Sheriff's car pulled up outside 'the house' I brought him coffee and explained what happened. Kajal and my mother joined me as we listen to the police radio with him. The police had a car chase with the Robbers and chased them until they pulled the truck over on the side of the road, jumped out and hid in some woods. The police surrounded the woods, set up road blocks and brought out tracking dogs until they caught them! Neighbors came out to hear what happened and I have to admit, I felt incredibly proud of myself. I know I shouldn't have chased after these guys but boy it felt good to protect my neighborhood. As a single mom from Boston, I've gotten used to standing up for and protecting my new family... no one was messing with us and ours and even though that house is unoccupied it will be owned by a neighbor of mine... it is part of our community.

Kajal was confused but excited by what I'd done and we talked about right and wrong as well as the importance of asking for help from the police. When Kajal came home from India her only exposure to the police was highly negative... police stood in the way of starving children getting food, finding shelter. They caused harm not good. This was a great chance for her to see first hand that the police can be our friends... truly our allies. The Sheriff was great with her and to say it was an exciting start to Christmas would be putting it mildly.

The rest of the day was more traditional.. hanging our stockings, putting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. We watched Santa's flight on the Norad tracker and listened to Christmas Carols. Kajal was still concerned that she was on the Naughty list and I tried to reassure her but her insecurities got the better of her and she had a hard time embracing the hope that Santa truly would show up for her.

Santa took the time out of his busy evening to call her, right at bedtime! Kajal was thrilled and it gave her the opportunity to ask him herself if she was on the naughty list. Santa reassured her that she was in fact, good and if she went to sleep quickly he would indeed come for her.

I had no trouble getting Kajal to sleep that night, she ducked her head under the covers and warned me to go to sleep quickly as well. We whispered under the covers until she dozed off with a hopeful smile on her face.

Christmas dawned magically with candy canes leading a path from the bedroom, down the stairs to the tree surrounded with gifts. Kajal opened every one, screaming with joy. Her new bike, dolls, videos, even socks, made her yell with pure glee.

I never want Kajal to be tied to the material, I always want her to know what's really important in life and to find joy in love, in peace and generosity of spirit and heart...

For many children, Christmas morning is about the presents. For Kajal, the presents reinforced to her that she really is 'good' and 'worthy' which are concepts she struggles with internally, too often.

What a beautiful morning it was.

Santa and the Miracles of Christmas

2009-12-23T03:47:00Z

Kajal had one of her challenging nights a little while back, trouble sleeping, got grumpy, acted out and fell asleep with tears streaming down her face. When she awoke in the morning the first words out of her mouth were... Oh Mom! I forgot, I forgot!!!!

She was completely stressed out. What did you forget, Kajal?

I forgot that Santa was watching!

I explained to Kajal that Santa understood that some times bad behavior happens. That sometimes we act in ways we wished we didn't but that what was most important was that we learned from our bad behavior, that we cared about how we behave to each other and even to ourselves and that we're sorry when we do things unkind or disrespectful. I assured her that Santa knew the truth, that she was a good child to her very soul, loving and kind and that he was very proud of who she was in her heart.

Tonight as we were falling asleep she asked me to sing Hark the Herald Angels to her... I've been singing Christmas carols to her every night (off key but she doesn't seem to notice). She's also been asking me to read her Children's bible to her every night, focusing on the story of Jesus birth, the first Christmas... she really seems to understand and care about what Christmas is all about. The true meaning of Christmas. It's amazing... this is our third Christmas together and the first one, we'd been home such a short time she really didn't understand what it was all about. I remember her tantrum that first Christmas eve, screaming at the top of her lungs for hours on end. It was only later that I realized, with her limited English she was terrified of the concept of a large man in a red suit coming into our home in the middle of the night.

As she fell asleep she turned to me, Mommy, Santa already gave me the best present of all.

He did honey, what was that?

You, Mommy.

Oh... and you my little one, I whispered... you were the most magical, wonderful, present in the world to me too.

I do believe in the magic of Christmas, I know that God brought this little miracle into my life and when Kajal asked me a few weeks ago if I believed in Santa, I told her that I did and I shared a story with her that I'd like to share with you all...

About ten years ago, or so, I volunteered for an organization that granted wishes for seriouslly ill children. The organization also threw parties at local hospitals, creating distractive therapy for children of all ages. Christmas time was the busiest, we would bring a Santa to all the pediatric wards and give out presents, candy... holiday cheer. One such party was scheduled for the Shriners Burn Institute for Children in Boston. We got news early in the day that our Santa had become ill and couldn't attend the party. A Christmas party without Santa? The children would be devastated! Needless to say, myself and several other volunteers called all the local 'Rent A Santa' companies but to no avail. It was a week before Christmas and not one Santa actor was available on such short notice. We were panicked but the party must go on. We set up the balloons and brought the arts and crafts and tried to entertain the children as best we could. Ho! Ho! Ho! In walked Santa, and let me tell you... this man was the perfect Santa! He had bright rosy cheeks and a pure white beard. His red suit was lined with glistening white fur and when he laughed, his whole body seemed to jiggle. We had no idea how he'd found us but we were thrilled that he did.

We offered him the huge bag of gifts and began to explain our system for making sure the appropriate gift was given to each child. We'd drawn codes on the bottom of each gift (girl, 8, boy 10 etc) We offered to hand him each gift as he sat with a child but with his booming laugh he waved us away and grabbing the bag approached the first child.

The Shriners Burn Institute saves children from around the world and so it wasn't unusual for children to be present who spoke many different languages. As was the case this day. The language barrier was a non issue though, as this Santa managed to talk with each child, in their native language. Hindi, Spanish, Italian and so on. The volunteers stood back in awe as he worked his way to each child in the room. The children hung on his every word and clapped their hands with joy when he handed them their gifts. The Santa never turned one gift over to check the code but each time he managed to hand the waiting child the perfect gift.

As the party drew to an end the Santa had one more child to meet. A young girl of about 4 who was tragically burned over much of her body. Sitting in pain in her wheel chair her face was full of anguish, her eyes held no hope. Her mother was by her side and the sadness in the woman's eyes, the hopelessness was heartrenching. I had asked the nurses where they were from but they couldn't say and the family spoke a rare Russian dialect that no one understood. Santa reached out to the mother and pulled her into his arms. He whispered something into her ears and the woman smiled, truly smiled. She laughed out loud and turning to her child she introduced the magical man. Santa kneeled at her daughters wheelchair and taking her bandaged hands into his own he spoke softly.

We stood, holding our breath, each volunteer and watched as hope and joy dawned on this precious child's face. Christmas was indeed, full of miracles.

We thanked the Santa and asked him where to send the bill but he waved and laughed his beautiful laugh as he walked out the door.

We called around to all the companies we'd contacted but they all admitted they had not been able to find an available actor for us, no one knew who he was. No one had sent him.

To enter the Burn Institute you must pass by security and are only let in with ID and a reference, a purpose for being there. The security guard didn't remember seeing a Santa enter the building.

To those of us who were present that day, we had no doubt. Santa or as some believe, an Angel, had indeed been present that day.

I remember believing in Santa as a child. I could swear one Christmas I saw Rudolph's red nose flying high above, in the sky.

But that day, at the Burn institute, that was the day I came to believe again.

I came to believe, in Santa.

I want to thank you for sharing our story, for taking this journey with us.

We wish you the merriest of Christmas's and remind you to never give up on your dreams... if it's a child you wish for, know that God has a plan for you and that the child or children meant for you, will find you. Believe in yourself and your love ones, have patience and compassion and give this Christmas from your heart... give your love. Do this, and love and peace will surround you as you move forward in the coming year. This I wish for you.

Merry Christmas

1st Grade Communication

2009-12-09T03:52:00Z

We have been so blessed by the school Kajal is attending.. one of the reasons I made the decision to move to this particular neighborhood. With all the challenges Kajal has experienced I wanted to find a truly positive learning environment for her... one that also promotes positive relationships between children. Although Kajal had only been attending the school for a few weeks prior to her becoming ill she seems to have transitioned seemlessly. We've had not one experience with bullies or cruelty and that is huge! Her teacher is kind and compassionate and has no tolerance for 'meanness' in the classroom. This special charter all girl class has been so moved by Kajal in her short time amoung them that they took some time in class today to write her some notes... these words say it all....

Dear Kajal I hope you feel better. I love you as a frend. I miss you Kajl

I love you when you laf. I love your bendes (bindis) and you no what I like your prfeckt stuf that you have

Dear Kajal The whole class missed you do you miss me I hope you feel better what do you hae like what kind of sick niss do you have is your mom ok is your dad ok I now your not ok you have not bin herh for a week love lexi

Dear Kajal I hope you feel better. We mise you a lote when you come back you can play with me

Kajal Kiss we miss you we kere about you. Kajal we rille miss you we wish you come back to school so we can play with you at school to play with

Dear Kajal I hope you fil betr love Julia

I like you! And I love you to!

Dear Kajal I know we have not be very good firend but I know we will be friends and I hope you felu bedar

I hope you feal beter! I can't wate teal you feal oslom (awsome ?) I can't wate teal you come back to class! You are the best. can you come to class now? I am so exsided to see you. you are so sepshal (special ?) to us. you make my hart! love you

These precious words were just a few of the stack of cards that came home to comfort Kajal today. She laughed with joy as she read them.. amazed at the words from her new classmates.

I remember when Kajal first experienced being 'liked', being 'loved'. It was in her early days home with me and as her English grew and she was able to express herself she turned to me one day and told me that she'd never been liked, or knew what that was before coming home to live with our family. I thought of that today as I watched her gaze with wide eyes at the rainbows, the hearts, the Christmas trees decorating the cards from children in a class she barely knew.

This purity of expression, this kindness is all any child needs to know that they are indeed 'sepshal'

Sick Days

2009-12-08T04:18:00Z

We saw the doctor and Kajal is still too ill to return to school. Her lungs are finally clear from the pneumonia but bronchitis still has her in it's grips and the doctor felt it would be safer to keep her home one more week. Two weeks out of school... the biggest challenge is keeping her from bouncing off of the walls. We're doing a bit of home schooling, keeping up with the work while she's out as best we can and supplimenting it with learning software, jumpstart (love that) and books that I print off line. She's a whiz at math and is reading! It amazes me to watch her sound out words.

After I finished work today, Kajal, my mother and I cranked the Christmas carols and built a gingerbread house. It was beautiful... we all added our personal touches and laughed until we practically cried when it collapsed under the weight of too much frosting and gumdrops.

She is so breathtakingly beautiful, so kind and loving.... she amazes me all the time.

Last night she struggled to go to sleep and acted out a bit (nothing too outrageous but it did lead to a few tears and my losing my patience) This morning she looked at me, crushed. Mom, I forgot?

You forgot what?

I forgot that Santa was watching.

She was devastated that she might have upset Santa and have to suffer the consequences on Christmas morning. I reassured her that Santa understood that all children have moments when their behavior might not be what he'd wish for but that he knew what was most important, that she had a good heart and that she cared about doing the right thing.

That seemed to appease her and throughout the day I noticed her trying, trying so hard to learn and to behave.

Sometimes, she tries too hard and I need to encourage her to relax...

There was a moment today when I'd gone out to get some groceries and Kajal was being watched over by my Mother. My mother had stepped into her room leaving Kajal in the next room watching Dora (or something similar) My Mother heard horrific screaming and came running to see what had happened.

Kajal was standing in the middle of the living room screaming at the top of her lungs.

Kajal, what happened? My mother asked panicked, checking her over but seeing nothing amiss.

Mommy's gone... Mommy's gone. Was all Kajal would say.

My Mother reminded her that yes, I was gone but only for a little while... I'd just gone to the store.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Kajal muttered before turning back to her show as if nothing had happened.

The panic still comes, two years later... the overwhelming fear that I will leave her.

That she will be left, alone.

Holiday Lights

2009-12-06T03:28:00Z

Have you ever stopped to look, really look, at holiday lights? Kajal finally seemed up to going out for a little bit so my mother and I bundled her up nice and warm and jumped in the car to 'see the lights'. From our home we can see the holiday lights start to appear in our neighbors lawns and being new to 'suburbia' we've been talking about taking a drive to check out all the decorations. I let Kajal guide the way... "turn that way mom!" "now go that way!" and she screamed and squeeled at every last Christmas light. Lawns seemed to out do lawns. There was classic white lights with wreaths and big red bows then lawns that seemed to come alive with dancing Santa's, moving reindeer and even Scuby Doo.

As we drove slowly through the streets, oohing and ahhing I realized that this simple excursion was like nothing Kajal had ever experienced. It's such a simple thing to do.. it didn't cost a cent. We played Christmas Carols and we drove. It was perfect.

I remember being a child and driving along in the back seat of the station wagon with my parents, gazing at the lights as we travelled to visit relatives over the holidays. The memory was a reminder of the simple things that caputre our hearts and joy over the holiday season.

It's so easy to get caught up in the commercialism, the desire to find the 'perfect' gifts and to throw outrageous parties. None of that really matters though does it?

Making homemade ornaments, unpacking the ones from years gone by. Watching corny holiday movies over and over again, curled up next to one another on the couch. Warm cookies out of the oven and giggles....

These are the moments... the wonderful, precious moments that make the holidays, magical.

What Kajal really needs, what I really need. Simplicity and love.

Holiday spirit.

Pneumonia

2009-12-02T02:45:02Z

We are settling in to our new home, it's amazing. Our home! Kajal is thrilled, although she is still too afraid to sleep in her own room. It's one of the few rooms in the house that really looks pulled together. I was standing in the doorway admiring the way I'd draped the canopy of her four poster bed and Kajal looked up at me questioning.

What are you smiling at Mom?

Your room, it's so beautiful. Isn't it?

Oh yes, Mom, it's really beautiful.

What a great room to cuddle up in. To feel safe in. Hey Kajal, wouldn't you like to sleep here?

I'm going to Mommy.

You are? When?

When I'm married. When I'm 30.

(I may have mentioned to her at some point that she needs to wait until after 30 to marry)

Uh oh.

Kajal, I think maybe you should give it a try sooner.

Oh, no, I don't think so Mom.

But it's so safe and cuddly, so pretty, just think about it, okay, Kajal?

Okay, Mom. I know, I'll sleep here when I'm 10.

Hmmm. Well, that's still a long time away. How about when you're 8?

She thinks about it then stamps her foot. You're tricking me Mommy, that's soon!

Her birthday is indeed just a few short months away. At least I've planted the seed... we'll see what happens from here.

We put up our Christmas tree and Kajal oooohed and ahhhhd as she unpacked each and every ornament. True joy.

My sister and her family came up from Florida to share Thanksgiving with us and it was beautiful having family in our new home for Thanksgiving. Kajal and I had developed bronchitis and been fighting it for 2-3 weeks. Last Friday her symptom got worse and I made an appointment to bring her to the doctor the next morning. Within moments of meeting with the Doctor she was put on a breathing maching to medicate her lungs and we were sent to the emergency room.

A few hours later Kajal was diagnosed with bacterial pneumonia. As she walked through the hospital corrider with a mask over her face, tears from fear, streaming down her face... my heart was full of hurt and love for her. It's amazing how love grows, stronger and stronger with every experience, every experience... good and sad.

We celebrated two years November 21, on National Adoption Day. Two years since the day we came home from India together. It's amazing. We celebrated by attending a candlelit ceremony in a historic park in Summerville, our new home town. I shared our experiences with other adoptive parents and we met some new friends we hope to see again soon.

But this past week Kajal has been curled up at home, missing school, taking medicine and healing. When we went for a follow up Doctors visit, I was diagnosed with pneumonia as well. I hadn't known that it was contagious but this type, bacterial, is. Thank goodness my mother hasn't got it.

Kajal and I take turns breathing into the nebulizer (a breathing machine that sends medicine into your lungs) and we've both been staying in and taking it easy.

What really amazed me is how sneaky the illness is. I never realized that pneumonia could come on so quickly but I've since learned that a child could have what appears to be a chest cold and cough for just a few days when it could turn into pneumonia. As an adult, I didn't feel that bad... I just had a terrible cough that was hard to shake and was a bit tired.

Kajal's missed a week of school and we're hoping she'll be allowed to return by mid next week. She's been amazing about doing schoolwork at home, her focus is incredible.

My mother's incredible with her, they sit and do homework together and I can hear them laughing and goofing around from across the house.

We are so blessed. Kajal has even started to embrace her cultural history. Before she got ill she started asking if she could wear some of her special Indian clothing to school (salwar kameez) and went to school wearing bindi's. She is truly flourishing in her new school and the class she's in, an all girls class, seems to focus on building positive socialization skills between young girls. She's had no problems with bullying and seems to radiate with positive energy when I see her around her classmates. No shy or retired child her, she exudes confidence and silliness. Just like little girls should.

We still miss Boston, alot. And all those we love but as we slowly build our new life here in South Carolina we are so grateful for all that we have and all that we are, together.

Kajal's Wisdom

2009-11-12T00:22:00Z

If you whine you don't get what you want

If you lose, don't cry because you're going to lose anyway, crying wont help you win

don't think about the bad that came before if you're happy now, only think about what's now then you'll stay happy

don't forget, Santa's watching

Happieness is eating lunch

First Homes

2009-11-11T02:28:00Z

We did it! We moved into our first house! I still can't believe we closed and we've moved in. Until the last possible moment I had fear that something would get in the way... something would stop our dream from coming true. I'm usually pretty optimistic but I've made so many mistakes in my life... especially in the management of my finances. It's hard to believe I managed to pull it together in recent years, enough to buy a home. That being said, I still have burden's of old debt hanging over my head but hopefully with the lower cost of living in SC I'll be able to get ahead vs. always juggling one bill from another.

What is so incredible about owning vs. renting is something I didn't even realize I'd feel.... a sense of permanence. I could paint the walls any color I wanted, I don't have to rush to settle in... we have as much time as we want or need, to truly make it feel like our own.

Even the animals seem happier... more secure in their new environment. Kajal loves it! She danced into her room singing at the top of her lungs that she loved it. She keeps referring to the blue/green guest room across from her as her 'future brothers' room.

We can grow in the house... add to our family and that is the most incredible part of this dream. My mother seems happy too... we're all buildling this beautiful new life together.

We're exhausted... surrounded by boxes and full of peace at the same time.

Tonight when Kajal was going to sleep she turned to me, Mom, she asked. When someone bad makes you fall on a knife do you go to Heaven?

Hm?

Where did that come from, Kajal? I look around at our lovely new home and wonder if all of this good, all of this change is somehow making her feel more vulnerable. She still doesn't trust that 'good' lasts.

Oh, remember when I had a bad dream in Boston but I didn't tell you about it?

Yeah?

Well, I had this dream, about a bad man coming and sending you to heaven by making you fall on his big knife. What if he made you and Grandma fall on knives on purpose... what would happen to me if I was all alone?

Oh, baby. First of all, I am strong and am going to do everything in my power not to let anyone hurt me. We have an alarm system to protect us and I am taking lots of steps to keep us safe. We are living in a very safe place, we are going to be okay... for a really long time.

But what if Mom...

Well, then our family is bigger than you and me and Grandma... you have people who are your family forever and they will love you and take care of you too. Your Uncle Phil, your friends Kim and George... they've all said if something bad happened to Mommy they would take care of you. It will be okay. You have so much love, your Aunt Linda, your Grandfather, your Aunt Lizzie... you are loved by sooooo many!

I hate talking about my potential loss but loss is real to her, she's been left alone... she knows the worst can happen. I hoped by letting her know, once again, that even though I would never leave her willingly and I'll do everything to keep us together that our family is bigger than 'us'...

I realize that she's been carrying this nightmare with her for months. Is it reminding her of memories lying latent in her heart and mind from her young years in India?

Honey, I ask, are you thinking about your India Mommy, the woman who's belly you came from?

You mean my Birth Mother, Mom? (she's so sophisticated!)

Yes....

No, Mommy, I was just thinking about my bad dream. About losing you.

Well, I asked God to keep us together for a really, really long time... until we're old and gray. I think he was listening and we're going to be okay. How long do you think we'll be together...

Forever and ever?

Yes, forever and ever....

She hugged me and once again, fell asleep peacefully, in my arms.

Bad Hair Days

2009-10-27T03:02:00Z

Recently, Kajal's art teacher asked the class to do a self portrait of themselves having a bad hair day. Kajal was confused. She raised her hand.

Yes, Kajal? The Teacher asked.

I've never had a bad hair day. Can I just paint me on a regular day?

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

Adoption Day and Ghosts in the Darkness

2009-10-23T03:25:00Z

Today was Adoption Day. We celebrated one year since the day we went to court to legalize our adoption. We planned a small celebration with a few of our new friends. Pizza and a small Tinker Bell cake. Kajal was so excited, she woke up as if it was her birthday, brimming with joy and excitement. As we walked to school I asked Kajal what she remembered of our Adoption day, last year. She smiled up at me.

We went to court and saw the Judge. She asked me do I want you to be my Mommy and I said YES! Then she asked you, do you want me to be your daughter and you said... YES DEFINITELY! Then she told you you have to get me cake and presents and icecream too! (the judge had mentioned I needed to get her the icecream)

We held hands and walked to school, singing Happy Adoption Day to Us to the tune of the Happy Birthday song. It was good.

When I picked her up after school she gave me the running hug she does daily that almost knocks me flat. How did your day go, baby? I asked. It was great Mom... I told everyone about my adoption day.

What did they say?

Awww... the kids were so funny. They all said they want one too!

Why?

So they can have cake and presents... she skipped all the way home.

We had a beautiful night.

On another, completely different note.... you know how I've mentioned that Kajal has been having a tough time with 'shadows and strange noises lately?' How impatient I've been? I happened to mention what Kajal has been experiencing to a neighbor who lives in the same apartment complex. She reminded me that Charleston is one of, if not the most 'haunted city' in America. But we live in Summerville, was my response. We're not in downtown Charleston and we don't live in an old home, we live in a brand new complex. She educated me. Summerville was settled a few hundred years ago and where our buildings were built was smack in path of some major battles and revolutionary war traffic. Never mind what happend here during the Civil War. She then went on to tell me she and her husband have seen shadows themselves. She described how just the other night she hear footsteps in her hallway and the sound of shuffling feet, she called out to her children thinking they were awake. When she went to investigate she saw a shadow shaped like a person moving down her hallway and she ran to her childrens rooms only to find them sound asleep.

Okay, now I'm feeling a little spooked.

I'm not sure what to believe but what this woman described is pretty much the same thing that Kajal has been describing for the last few weeks and here I'd thought she was just experiencing insecurity due to our move. Hmmm. Insecurity or ghosts? Talk about a quandry.

Tonight as Kajal was falling asleep in my arms, cozy and happy after her perfect Adoption Day celebration she said she had something very important to ask me. This is usually what she says when I've asked her to focus on sleeping, no more talking.

Kajal... it's sleep time. You know the rules, quiet time.

But Mom, it's really really important this time.

Okay, what is it?

Will you make me more of the little crosses tomorrow?

Uh, sure. Of course... why honey? What do you need them for?

I've been thinking, she whispered. I want to put them in Grandma's room and in my closet and by the other doors.

Okay, Kajal. I'll make a whole bunch. You can put them where ever you want and we can do our special ceremony over each one, okay?

That's perfect Mom. Thank you.

They do say children are more open to the mysteries around us...

Ghostbusting for Christians

2009-10-22T02:03:00Z

My mother and I have been racking our brains trying to think of creative ways to help put Kajal's 'ghosts' to rest. She see's shadows around every corner, darting across the room... hears mysterious sounds. Yesterday I cut out some small paper crosses.

Kajal, I have a great idea!

What Mom?

Well, you know how afraid you've been lately?

Yes....

I've been thinking. I bet if we put God's special sign in certain places around the apartment we could do a really special ceremony to ask God to keep out all the bad, all the ghosts, all the monsters.... and only let the good into our home. What do you think?

Oh Yeah! Great idea, Mom. Where do we start?

I let Kajal pick out the spots she wanted to tape up the little crosses (she chose by the window and door of my bedroom where she's been sleeping and her fears are the worst) and as we taped each one I placed my hand over it and in a very soft serious voice I repeated:

Dear God, please keep our home safe. Let this sign of yours cast out any thing scary or mean that doesn't belong here and let it keep out all the bad, all the monsters and all of the ghosts. Let your sign only allow family and those that love us into this home. Please surround us with your white light and keep us safe and protect us always.

As I repeated this around the room Kajal watched with eyes wide and happy.

I sat next to her on the bed. Baby, I really believe that God will watch over us and keep us safe, especially now that we've asked him to in such a special way, what do you think?

I think so too... she whispered and I could see her eyes full of wistful hope.

She fell asleep a little faster last night. We didn't have a tantrum and it only took one hour vs. almost two.

Tonight, was a bit rougher than last but still, no tantrum and she seemed a little bit more at peace. She even walked into the bathroom by herself and told me she knew it was okay... that she could turn on the light all by herself...... this was a massive step forward.

All with the help of a little prayer

Regression

2009-10-20T02:56:00Z

It's been so hard to write lately. So much is going on during the course of every day that I can barely think straight never mind sit down and capture the emotions, the experiences of the day. Kajal has adjusted to school and the climate here in South Carolina but her comfort level has been destroyed. She seems like a happy, well adjusted girl for the most part so I really thought she'd taken the move well. That she was emotionally ready for the next move into our new home. Assuming everything goes as planned in the next two weeks we'll be moving the end of the first week of November. Two moves in 3 months, it's alot for anyone to take never mind a 7 year old girl who has never really known security in her life.

She laughs, she plays... she charms. Then night time comes and we've gone back to how it was, almost, in the very beginning. Next week we celebrate one year from the date we became legally 'adopted' and November 14 will be our two year anniversary of the day I 'got her'. Anniversaries always shake things up. As I write this, I remember learning about it. How anniversaries can subconsiouslly bring about tremendous upheaval, even anniversaries of unknown or subconsious events.

Kajal is terrified of her own shadow. She tiptoes around our apartment, looking over her shoulder at every tiny noise. Someone knocks on the door, the dogs bark and screams at the top of her lungs. She's terrified of shadows outside the windows so I close the shades tight and then she imagines that beyond the shades, danger lurks. She wont walk to the bathroom alone, change her clothes or walk into a room.

I keep thinking, if this is what it's like in our apartment what will it be like in the new house? She wont go to sleep by herself, but she hasn't since the months leading up to the move. It's taking an hour to an hour and a half for her to fall asleep and she acts out during this time...chanting any word that comes to mind over and over, punching my arm, kicking her legs... whatever it takes to stay away until finally her eyes roll back in her head and she passes out.

I'm exhausted. I'm trying to be patient, understanding and supportive but some nights, like tonight.. I just lose it. I ended up yelling at her and stomping from the room which only made it worse, she had a full blown tantrum. I went back to comfort her and she pulled away chanting that I didn't love her, over and over again.

I know... I know. It's the move, the anniversary, the lack of security, it's all of it. I know I should remain calm and supportive but knowing it and doing it, all the time, are two different things.

Today after she finally fell asleep (close to 10 PM) I went out to take a jacuzzi (thank goodness for the apartment complexes pool and hot tub) it was freezing outside but I ran across the cold patio... my eyes glued to the fog curling over the hot water and all I could think of was that somehow, in that hot bubbling water I'd find my answers. I let myself sink into the water and said the Serenity prayer, over and over again.. hoping some how it would help ease the stress.

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

After endless recitals of this I realized I wasn't growing much calmer. If I have a Guardian Angel who happens to be anywhere near me right now and can hear my thoughts, I know you must be pretty disappointed in me, don't worry... I'm pretty disappointed in myself, too.

Back up Plans

2009-10-02T03:03:00Z

I had an appointment this morning and was running an hour late before I got home. I walked in the door and my mother had this panicked look on her face. Total panic.

She was terrified something had happened to me and all I could say was, come on Mom, I was only an hour late...

Kajal was in school and I couldn't see what the big deal was.

Talk about being selfish.

I love being an adult, love being my own boss and resented the guilt I felt at not checking in. I'm very blessed, my mother is a wonderful friend to me, a great mother and an incredible Grandmother. Living together has been very easy and Kajal has been so happy with our little family back together. I've embraced taking care of my mother and having another person to be responsible for. At least I thought I had. I didn't handle this well... tonight when my mother was heading to sleep she told me that it bothered her that I told her she 'shouldn't have worried' and of course, I handled it incredibly gracefully. I argued with her. I told her it was just an hour, that it wasn't a big deal. That I didn't want to have to check in or have to answer to her. She was hurt, I could see it but I was too frustrated to respond well.

My mother tends to think of the worst case scenario... I can't tell you how many times she hasn't reached me by phone for a day (when we lived in separate states) and when I finally connected with her she'd be in a panic, in tears, ready to get on a plane thinking that the worst had happened and I'd had a heart attack or been killed in a tragic accident. And of course, I would lose my patience. Several of these times I'd called her back only to find her phone turned off or she couldn't hear it ring... I may have even tried several times to no avail.

But tonight she brought up a good point as much as I hate to admit it. We do live together now and I need to be more considerate, recognize she worries and if I'm running late, let her know. Why couldnt' I just say that tonight instead of getting into it with her.

She brought up another point that scared the living daylights out of me, once I'd had some time to calm down and think about her words, after the fact of course. She told me she was scared that we didn't have a 'back up plan'. She doesn't walk well and can't drive. What if something did happen to me? My brother Phil is Kajal's guardian if anything really bad happened but he's in California.

What if I did get into an accident or get sick. I moved my family to a state where we know almost no one. I have one or two new friends... that's it. We're pretty much on our own. There's a young woman who is a total sweetheart who lives near by and has been helping with getting my mother to appointments when I'm working during the day. She lets me hire her by the hour to help us run errands and she is extremely kind. I also know one other incredible woman, my realtor who is fast becoming a cherished friend. I told my mother that I would ask them if they would be an emergency contact if something happened .... at least to pick Kajal up at school or get my mother to a grocery store. The realty is, in Boston, I had this massive network of people through Church, friendships and fellowship who cared about us and would have been there if anything happened. We weren't alone or on our own.

As I sit her thinking about being a single mother I realize I really do need a plan and I'm terrified at the risk I took to move to a new state so far from our support network. I'm terrified that something as small as breaking my leg or getting sick will leave my family vulnerable and struggling. I wonder if this leap that I took to move to better our life is really putting us at risk in ways I hadn't thought of.

As a single mom you take it one day at a time. You have faith that God will watch over you and support of love ones will help keep you sheltered from the storms. Your faith keeps you going but when the practical side hits like it did tonight, the fear can be overwhelming.

Tomorrow morning I'll owe my mother a huge apology. I'll make a plan, somehow and I'll promise to call, when I'm running late.

Remembering Hunger Pains in Inda

2009-09-25T12:20:07Z

This morning we had one of those moments when the world stops for a moment and your heart feels like it froze. Just for a moment. Froze.

As I was making Kajal's lunch this morning and she was watching a little Disney before school she said, Mommy, I saw India this morning.
You did?
Yes, I watched the news. You know, the man talking that you like to watch who talks about things that are real, not fiction.
And what did he say?
He showed India. There were pictures of the castle (the Taj) and lots of children. They did the powder mark (the ceremony where they put powder dotted between the eyes)

And what else did you see, Kajal?

The children were hungry Mommy, really hungry. I think they took some to the hospital.

How did that make you feel baby?

I changed the channel Mommy. News isn't fun.

Kajal do you think about being hungry?

No (not very convincingly)

Do you know that Mommy will always make sure you have food?

Yes.

Do you know that Mommy will never let you go hungry?

Yes.

Are you sure?

yes...

And she throws herself into my arms and hugs me like you can't imagine.