Mothers day is coming.. Kajal came home with a flyer from school. Pay $7 for a cake from Publix and your child can decorate it in school and bring it home on Mothers day.  It's a PTA fundraiser and the school gets part of the money for much needed supplies and programs.

It started me thinking about mothers day and my relationship with my mother.

Many of you don't know what I do for a living... I try not to bring work into what I write here but since I want to share something related I'll give you a little history. I currently work for one of the largest workforce solution companies in the world. I'm very blessed. I manage national recruiting efforts for them and am abe to work from home, managing my teams from computers/phones etc. Although I started in the recruiting field right out of college, I always had a creative soul. For 5 years or so I worked in the independent film world. It started when one of my best friends from college, Kelley, approached me with a script. I'd had many years of fundraising experience and they were trying to raise money for a special little film project. I thought it sounded interesting and I trusted Kelley so I went for it. She gave me a 'book on 'how to produce an independent film' and the script and days later I was 'Executive Producing' the movie "The Autumn Heart". The film ended up staring Ally Sheedy and Tyne Daily and went on to be selected to premier at the Sundance Film Festival. It opened to sold out, celebrity filled audiences. The film also went on to win the Nantucket Film Festival and have a limited theatrical release.

Around mothers day you'll often see the film playing on Lifetime and it's available at Blockbuster and Netflix etc.  It was a truly inspiring film that reminded us that we don't always know what our parents have gone through. It helps us see life from the 'other side'.. from their side.

After the films release we received letters and calls from countless people who were touched by the story. The writer had truly captured the essence of complex family relationships and helps remind us that we all tend to make assumptions, build hurts and resentments over 'partial' information. The audience that reached out to us told us stories about how after seeing the film they would be motivated to pick up the phone and call a family member they'd lost touch with or had a serious falling out with. They thanked us for helping them regain some clarity about the 'truth' of their life and who their parents were versus who they thought they were.

Relationships with parents are complex. We build our perceptions based on our experiences with them, often, at the expense of knowing the full story from both sides. Our parents wish to protect us so they let us walk on in life with misperceptions, anger, misunderstanding.. hurt and resentment and they often do this to their own detriment.  Let them resent me, vs, know the truth etc.

I think the truth is healing to uncover, whatever the truth might be. Let us learn to love our parents as humans, as people who make choices in hard situations who most often have our best interests at heart. Let us be willing to hear their side and understand what they lived through, what they faced... before we sit in judgement of them.

Where is this coming from you wonder? Me, life, my relationship and my siblings relationship with my own mother. 

Let me tell you about her.. as we approach Mothers day I want to write a posting to honor her and all she's given me. Without her, I wouldn't be a Mom and I certainly wouldn't be the mother I am today (or should I say, strive to be).

My  mother had a tough beginning in life, to say the least. She was burned over 85% of her body with third degree burns when she was just a toddler. A pot of boiling water fell over her, resulting in horrific burns that left her hospitalized for most of her early and teen years. She underwent painful treatments and surgery after surgery... most experimental, to give her the ability to function in life. Anyone who knows my mother, who meets my mother doesn't even notice the scars.  We just don't see them... she is so beautiful in her own right. She has a radiant smile, beautiful face and personality and outrageous sense of humor. But she sees them, feels them and in a way.. they've always left her feeling, different.

As challenging as her early life was she went on to study ballet, in NY as a teenager with the NY Ballet. She became a show girl at the Latin Quarter in NY.. a place where only the most talented dancers in the world made the stage. She went on to marry and have five children. She was a smart young mother and selected a home for her family that was located in one of the finest towns in Massachusetts. A town that offered one of the best public school systems in America. She and my father struggled financially. My siblings remember the extra ketchup and sugar packages she'd take from McDonalds. I remember how embarressing that would be... until I grew up and realized we wouldn't have had ketchup on our hot dogs or sugar on our oatmeal if she hadn't swallowed her pride and 'asked' for extra. We had the best of everything as children, piano lessons, guitar and drum lessons.. ballet lessons etc. We didn't know my mother went without buying even a pair of socks for herself, for years on end.

We lived in one of the best neighborhoods in the United States but my parents struggled to make ends meet. To this day my mother can whip up the most delicious meal from what seems like empty cabinets.. I'm still amazed at how she can do that. When my mother was unhappy with the way the school system informed parents of their children's academic progress, she fought the government and was responsible for passing bills that changed the laws. When she didn't like the way local politics ran the town, she ran for office. School Committee , Alderman at Large. She didn't win (so few women did in those days) but boy she put up a good fight.

When it came to my family, my mother stopped at nothing to see that we had a good education. She enrolled us in summer learning programs and classes at MIT.. .MIT!  She packed picnics like a gourmet chef and had my father driving through out New England to visit family and picnic near historic sights. We visited the museums of Boston and participated in cultural fairs. My parents could barely get by financially but the Christmas tree was always full of magical gifts and the holidays were always full of magic, from Easter baskets to valentine hearts left at our bedside.  It still amazes me that they raised five children on as little as they did and we all went on to some level of higher education and success. 

How often do we look back at our life and focus on what we didn't have? What our parents didn't do or (we think they didn't do). Do we take the time to ask them, what was it like for you? Why did you make the choices you did? Do we give them the benefit of love and compassion as we might a stranger or a friend?

My mother made hard choices and sure, she had her moments that weren't Brady bunch moments but what parent doesn't? Who amoung us, who are parents haven't reacted at times in ways we wished we hadn't or made choices that made our children angry.. that they didn't understand.

My mother scrimped and saved, sacrificed and ended up giving her children more than most children in the world could ever dream of  having. We turned out okay. My elder sister is about to run children's services for a major school system, my elder brother is a genius, a world renown business man and a leader in the world of technology, my younger brother is a doctor and my younger sister is a mother to three amazing children. My mother has 10 grandchildren and my mother... when she was in her seventies, boarded a plane to a third world nation... facing all fears, to be there when my first child was placed in my arms.

This mothers day I'm reaching out to all of you to think of what our mothers went through to raise us... to do the best they could. Try not to judge. Try to let go of any angers and try to put ourselves in their shoes and perhaps, to focus on what they did for us.. all the ways they were there for us, vs. focusing on the ways we think they weren't. To give our moms the benefit of the doubt... if you're carrying anger in your hearts for choices they made or disagreements you've had with them, pick up the phone or write a letter. Ask them, why, how.. what happened? Hear them out. Give them a voice.. perhaps healing for you both is phone call away.
 
Today, I'm blessed that my mother lives with me. As a single mother, life can be hard. We argue, we disagree.. we have our moments. I want to raise my daughter 'my way' and buck against all her years of experience. Then I try and step back and remember that she's been a mother for a lot longer than I and even though our parenting styles may be different at times... she is full of wisdom, courage and grace and if I was a tenth the mother she was, Kajal will turn out, okay.