We all love the holidays. The twinkle of lights through neighborhood streets, Christmas carols that leaves you breathless from singing as loud as you can, family cookie recipes passed down for years and the sharing of gifts... love is in the air. That's the magic of Christmas.

What's easy to forget until you're faced with it head on are the painful triggers. You see the stress among the shoppers racing through malls and in the traffic with aggressive drivers... most of all, we see it in our special children. The emotional mood swings and sensitivity, tears one moment and glee filled laughter the next.  Kajal's insecurities seem more prevalent at this time of year when there is so much subtle pressure to be 'happy' and 'joyous'. 

I've often wondered if it's about 'Santa'. After, Santa comes now but he didn't for her in her first five years. We all know the songs, the stories... Santa comes for good girls and boys. If he didn't come for her before, in India.. then was she 'bad'? Of course, I've explained it to her from the beginning (our beginning). That Santa comes for those that 'believe'... and that she didn't celebrate Christmas in India, never mind know who Santa was. And how can you believe in someone you don't even know about? Perhaps this doesn't play a major role in the moments of intense sadness Kajal felt over the holiday season, the feelings of 'unworthiness' but my gut tells me subconsciously it plays a role, no matter how small..it's there, lingering in the background. As Christmas day loomed closer, Kajal became more doubtful 'am I good?' she would ask 'am I on Santa's good list or am I naughty'. I reassured her constantly that she had the most beautiful heart in the world and that is the essence of a 'good child'. I reminded her that no one is perfect, we all have 'good days' and 'bad days' and times of 'good behavior' and 'bad behavior' but that who she is, is wonderful and that I had no doubt Santa knew this, always. Santa even sent her a letter to reassure her directly (my mother had reached out to Santa's village to make sure they had Kajal's address so that she could receive this special reassurance from  Santa directly, thank God for my mother) it was a letter from Santa congratulating Kajal for being on the 'good list' and it included a page right out of Santa's book with her name, prominently displayed at that top of the list.

I know the world isn't black or white, that no child should have the pressure of always being 'good or bad' but when the Christmas carols are playing on the radio and at every turn, every where you go, a child wants to know...are they good or bad? There is no escaping this... Kajal was so afraid. The stress resulted in acting out, rudeness on occasion and yes, 'bad behavior'. As I expressed my frustration or had moments of anger at the behavior, Kajal would react in devastation... see mom, I knew I was 'bad'!. She would cry as if the world were ending.. her heart was breaking as she had in fact just learned what she truly had always known, inside. That she is 'unworthy'. That she was 'not good'.  She would misinterpret the anger on my face with lack of love and again the fear of being sent back to India would return full force.

I try and focus on what I believe the holidays should truly be about, giving and loving one another. We baked cookies together and delivered them to the local fire department.. thanking them for keeping us safe and putting their lives at risk on our behalf. We delivered a Christmas meal to a stranger, a neighbor living in our community who we'd learned had lost his wife recently. We started Jane Goodall's Roots and Shoots program at our local YMCA (www.rootsandshoots.org) to team up with other children and families to help the environment, animals and the global community, to help empower Kajal through the acknowledgement that she can make a positive difference in the world... that she has value. I think this helped us stay as focused as possible on what Christmas is truly about.. helping others, spreading the Christmas spirit.

Kajal is totally into the American Girl doll phenomena. She loves her doll (which looks just like her as you've seen in past posts) and my sister has sent her amazing gifts of furniture and clothing which has her head spinning. Kajal wanted a doll bed this year and instead of purchasing one I attempted to 'make' one. Let's just say it took me approximately 2 months to pull it off (thank goodness I started early). I let her know I was making her something and I would share with her that I would work on the 'surprise' gift when she fell asleep at night. I wanted her to know how special she was to me, so special that I wanted to make something with my own hands... I also wanted to drive home that gift giving isn't about what we "buy" but more about what we want to 'do' for someone or 'share' with someone. Of course, this was originally meant to be a simple project but I got more than a bit obsessed about it myself. Before I knew it I was tracking down the 'perfect' color pink to paint the bed, I was chasing down the matching material to her duvet cover so that I could hand make sheets, pillows and duvet, to match her own room(I've never sewn more than a button) and let's not forget the heart shaped throw pillows etc... I had to practically force myself to stop after I found myself adding the 'perfect lace trim'. I could barely see to thread a needle and was poking myself constantly.. it was truly a comedy of errors.

I love the holidays but even with the best intentions, any of us can get a little 'too caught up'...

If I read my own blog, or stopped to think back over the last several Christmas Eve's, I'd realize we've been through this consistently, since we became a family three years ago. Wow, three years...  I still can hardly believe it's been that long but at the same time I can't even think about a time 'before Kajal'.... her arrival seems like the point my life truly 'began'.  Every Christmas Eve I set myself up with expectations of a magical evening full of song and tradition, instead, part of the evening was spent in tantrum and tears and then we softly mellowed into the magical evening it was meant to  be. Cookies for Santa, carrots for the reindeer... stockings hung by the fireplace and the exchange of our family gifts.

Kajal loved the bed. "It's beautiful Mommy, thank you for making this... it's the most beautiful doll bed in the world. Thank you for loving me Mommy"

Santa called Kajal directly to reassure her how wonderful she is, to help her gain the peace she needed to fall asleep... and she did, holding my hand as she slipped away into peaceful, tear free, slumberland.