I heard a country song on the radio today and the singer was singing about what's important in life, those little moments that take your breath away. I had one of those moments this week and I wanted to share it with you.

Kajal's been sick. It started Wednesday with a scratchy throat but then she seemed fine Thursday and went to school. She came home with a low grade fever, just over 101 so we cancelled her soccer practice and I tucked her in for the night with some Ibuprofin. Friday morning I woke up about 5 AM with Kajal standing over my bed asking to go watch television. Not unusal for her but she looked a bit off so I scrambled out of bed and checked her forehead. She was burning up. I took her temperature and it was 104.6. After calling my sister for advice (my mother's been having trouble with her back lately and I didn' want to wake her) my sister advised me to go straight to the emergency room. I bundled Kajal up after giving her some more ibuprofin and drove her to the hospital. As we drove, Kajal started to cry with fear. She begged me not to take her and I could see it was more than being sick, her fear was irrational... desperate. As the tears coursed down her face and her voice shook with fear I reassured and cajoled... while reminding her that this was going to help get her well. She was terrified of shots, terrified of being hurt.

It doesn't take alot to trigger post traumatic stress and it was clear the drive to the hospital was triggering a reaction beyond a childs fear of shots. By the time we reached the hospital she had shut down, distanced herself from me. I've noticed that when Kajal is feeling sick or in pain she often rejects the concept that anything is wrong. Here she was at almost 105 degrees and she was telling me that she was 'fine'. In India, it was a matter of survival, don't let yourself be noticed, don't complain... any attention was negative attention and that instinct, the preservation instinct was still a large part of Kajal. I've had to tell her teachers that if she ever falls down and tells them she's 'fine' ignore her and check her out yourself. She could very well have a broken bone and she'd grin and bear the pain.

When she's hurting or ill she rarely lets me comfort her... she's still not used to accepting help, being cared for, especially when she's ill and at her most vulnerable.

The doctors ran their tests and yes, there was one shot to draw blood. Kajal was verging on hysteria most of the time we were there until I distracted her by letting her squeeze my hand so hard I was practically falling on the floor. At least it got a smile out of her. I then pretended to play with her leapster and my antics distracted her until her fear was forgotten and her focus was on teaching me how to play.

The doctors didn't find out much, they assumed it was a virus combined with an infection and bronchitis. They sent us home with medicine and since then Kajal's fever has continued... she has hours of respite, with little or low fever then it spikes again.

I've brought her surprises, little ones and big ones... everything I can think to do to help keep her entertained while in bed. When she was curled up weak and exhausted I asked her again, honey, isn't there anything I can do for you. Can I hold you? Can I get you something? Anything? She was quiet.

Mommy?

Yes honey?

Can you hold my hand?

And that was the moment. The moment that took my breath away.

She asked me to hold her hand. And I did... I held her little hand and lay next to her, listening to her labored breathing until she fell asleep.

We had hoped that she'd be well by today, to enjoy trick or treating but she had a fever of almost 103 again this afternoon and I had to break it to her that she wouldn't be able to go. It was heartbreaking... she's been planning her costume for months now, Katara as you know. She's had three Halloweens, this would be her fourth. It's not fair, I found myself thinking, she's missed out on so much in her little life. Now that she's able to enjoy it, experience these wonderul things... it just didn't seem fair. She handled it better on the outside than I was handling it on the inside.

I wanted to create something wonderful for her.. a holiday within a holiday. I raced around and picked up a nintendo game she wanted (to go with the game system I got a few days ago to keep her entertained while she was layed up) I picked up more pumpkins (we already had 6 carved or painted) I found a tiny pumpkin cake and stopped at Chili's to get one of her favorite foods (quesa dip), the Charlie Brown Halloween movie etc. My mother tells me I spoil her but I don't see it that way, I know where she goes... how hard she is on herself. When something bad happens she immediately thinks she's done something wrong or that she doesn't deserve it... So what if it takes a little spoiling to help her realize that she deserves good things.

I made Chicken soup from scratch and we stayed in. The pumpkins were lit and the doorbell rang. Kajal dressed in a costume (not Katara but her princess costume from last year, it was a bit warmer.. with her large pink fuzzy slippers) and she helped me give out candy. One of our neighbors children came and took Kajal's trick or treat bag which she brought with her as she made her rounds so that when the end of the evening came, Kajal had some halloween candy to sort through. Another child offered to split her candy with Kajal and still other neighbors brought their 'treats' directly to our door.

We'll be back at the doctors tomorrow trying to figure out what's happening with my little one... as precious as our original Halloween was, she seems to be getting worse, not better.

When I go to sleep tonight I'll be by her side.... if nothing else, holding her hand.