Kajal had been looking forward to her garden party for weeks. It was a celebration of the end of the school year and the children had been decorating their class room all week. They brought home hand decorated invitations and dressed up for the occasion. When I arrived at the school, I immediately noticed that Kajal was reserved... no longer bubbling over with excitement. Her teacher told me that there had been an incident during recess that had brought Kajal to tears.

The incident went something like this:

The children were playing ball and Kajal told them to throw it high. One of them threw it so high it went over a fence into a wooded area. When the gym teacher asked who had thrown the ball over the fence (clearly against the rules) the child who had thrown the ball admitted she'd done it but blamed it on Kajal, who she said had told her to do it. Kajal denied that she had done anything wrong and clearly told the teacher she had not told her to throw it over the fence. The gym teacher didn't accept her at her word but insisted she stop lying and 'tell the truth' Kajal grew confused and admitted to something she hadn't done. By the time Kajal's teacher had arrived, Kajal's tears had started to flow and the gym teacher made a comment that Kajal hadn't started to cry or been that upset until her teacher came on the scene. Kajal's teacher then explained to me that after she got the children all together after recess the other children admitted Kajal had only told them to throw the ball high, not to throw it over the fence.

Kajal's teacher was concerned because when she tried to reach out to Kajal later that morning, Kajal pulled away and was shut down.

Knowing Kajal, I knew several things without question. Kajal doesn't break the rules in school, the other children had lied to protect themselves and if Kajal had broken down in tears it was the real thing... she doesn't cry for drama.

Oh baby... the Mama bear came out in me and my fury was beyond belief. It may have seemed like a small incident to anyone else but I know how horrified Kajal would have been to be accused of breaking the rules... she's an overachiever in school. She works so hard all the time to excel. She puts more pressure on herself to succeed than anyone else ever could and if she was in tears, I knew she'd held them in as long as possible before they broke loose.  The mortification of being called a liar in front of her peers must of been horrendous for her.

I went right to the Principals office and raised holy you know what. If my daughter was called a liar in front of her class for something that she didn't do I wanted not only an apology, but a public apology! The Principal asked to talk with the gym teacher and Kajal's teacher then promised to regroup in the following days.

Kajal was resigned and somewhat depressed over the incident. She tossed and turned that night and was saddened about it in the days that followed. The following week we had a meeting at the school.

I met first with the Principal, the gym teacher and Kajal's teacher as Kajal waited outside the office.

First I let the gym teacher tell her side of the story. Granted, she manages a large amount of children and many children do lie about things that happen in class. She admitted that Kajal first denied what she'd been accused of and that the teacher stressed that she wanted 'the truth' and when Kajal admitted to it, she took that at face value. She also believed the tears were for the other teachers benefit because they didn't appear until the point that the other teacher arrived on the scene.

I let her talk. I understood that with most children, breaking the rules was a common occurance, it wasn't the teachers fault... she thought Kajal was just like any other child.

I asked her, have you ever known Kajal to break a rule in all the months you've taught her...even once? No, both teachers admitted that Kajal never broke rules, always obeyed them and always helped out whenever she could.

I've learned something valuable from this experience. I explained to the group. Next year I want a meeting with every person, every teacher that has any contact with Kajal. I want them to know how special this child is, what she has overcome and what triggers she has. Kajal has been diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Rules to Kajal are survival mechanisms. Everything is about survival to her. Breaking the rules in her mind can represent negative attention. It can translate into being beaten, starved, left alone or being sent back to India. Following the rules keeps her safe. She pressures herself to be 'perfect' because in her mind being 'imperfect' means not being 'good enough' or 'lovable'. To be told that she'd lied was being told that she'd 'failed' in her mind, that she was 'no good' and the pain that followed resulted in her shutting down and risked triggering depression and feelings of hopelessness.

Such a simple incident, such a simple misunderstanding... crushed Kajal's precious spirit.

The silence in the room spoke volumes.

I didn't know... the gym teacher whispered,her eyes glassed over with tears. Her good heart written all over her face. What do I do though, if Kajal does something wrong at some point, do I not give her a time out like the other children?

No, I explained. She understands consequences. It wouldn't be fair to treat her differently if she does something wrong. The only thing I ask is that you first, listen to her... like any child give her the benefit of the doubt. If she really does break a rule or do something wrong be fair, give her the consequence you would any other child but also, take the time to tell her that everything is going to be okay. That she is going to be okay.

When Kajal came into the room the Principal told her that she was sorry that the misunderstanding had happened. That she never wanted Kajal to admit to something she hadn't done. That she can tell the truth and nothing bad would happen. She told Kajal that she didn't have to be perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. She also told Kajal that she loved her and that all the teachers loved her too and that they wanted to keep her safe. Kajal's teacher and the Gym teacher reiterated that to Kajal and told them how special she was and that they truly looked forward to her coming back next year. By the time we left the school, Kajal was hugging her teachers and telling them about her flying lessons. Her hands had stopped shaking and her eyes were sparkling again.

The last week of school, prior to this event, Kajal was awarded the School Mascot's Master Award for her first grade class. The award is only given to one child in every class each year. It's given to the child who has achieved the greatest academic achievement and who has lived up to the schools ideals in all ways. Kajal won the Master award... she was held up as an example of what a student can achieve. I watched her receive that award and I had flashes of our early days (all of 2.5 years ago) of her shivering in fear, throwing tantrums, hollowed out with hunger... and then I saw her beaming with good health and vitality and most of all, a thirst for learning. She continues to amaze me and leave me, in awe.

On the way home from the meeting with the teachers Kajal told me, I don't like to have meetings Mommy. They're really hard. I was scared. But it's good, because after you have a meeting you feel better and you know it's going to be okay. It really is all better.

Do you know Kajal that I was always be on your side. That I will fight for you and protect you, love you and stand up for you.. no matter what?

Yes Mommy.... I know that. And I love you, too.

Thank you for today, Mommy.

I smiled at her... thank you, Kajal.

For being you.