This morning my baby woke up sad. This is so incredibly rare... she wakes up happy, sleepy, but happy. We giggle and laugh most mornings even as we rush to get ready for school. This morning was different.

Mom, the kids don't want me in first grade.

What do you mean?

They told me I don't belong there... I'm too old. I'm eight. They said first grade is for 6 and 7 year olds. I can't be in 1st grade anymore.

Hmmm... I wondered when the age 'thing' was going to come up. She was in tears. My heart broke for her...

Kajal, children don't always know what they're talking about. They don't know everything. Do you know why you are in first grade?

Because I was in India?

Yes, baby, because you were in India. You were in India when the other children were in Kindergarten. You are so special that when you came to the United States you needed to take a full year of Kindergarten to learn English. Now, you're in first grade, right where you belong.

But Mommy, the kids say I can't be, I'm too old.

It's not about age Kajal, it's about being where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there and you are right where you belong.

We had a beautiful day. Spring is here and the grass is struggling to turn green. Geese fly honking overhead and the sky, I've never seen a sky quite so breathtakingly blue. I finally splurged on the white rocking chairs I'd been dreaming of and as I sat rocking in one watching Kajal play with the neighborhood children, my heart was so happy. We truly were making a wonderful home for ourselves.

As Kajal fell asleep in my arms she struggled to open her eyes... Mommy, can I ask you one more question?

Sure baby, what?

If you stop wanting me will you send me back to India?

I kissed her forhead then looked deeply into her sleepy eyes....

Kajal, I will want you forever. I wouldn't want to live without you. I will never send you back to India... I will love you forever.

I tightened my arms around her and kissed her face, whispering of my lasting love until her eyes closed for the night and her breathing evened into the long deep breaths of a restful sleep.

I truly wouldn't want to live without her... she truly is my greatest joy, my greatest love.

With such a precious child, no matter how solid and normal lifes days may become these silent triggers always wait quitely in the minutes of each passing day. A word from a child in school, a misbehavior... anything that triggers the feelings of self doubt triggers the fear of abandonment. The fear of being sent away, living alone.

To think she carries this in her soul, the thought that if she does something wrong or that I may possibly, simply, stop wanting her, that she could be 'sent back', hurts my heart.  I can't imagine experiencing such horrific fear at such a young age. I know what it's like to fall in love and fear my loved one will lose interest or move on without me. I thought that was the worst experience, the worst fear.

But nothing, no fear in the world compares to that of a child who has been left all alone in the world, who has struggled to find food. Who knows what it's like to live completely and utterly alone at 3 or 4 years old, younger. Without anyone watching over her or caring for her, figuring out how to live and survive all by themselves ... that childs fear, who knows now what love is and lives with the fear that it could leave her, leave her alone, again.

That is worse than any fear I can imagine.

I will truly love her forever and there is nothing in my life that means more, that I can ever imagine will ever mean more,  than bringing her the peace and assurance that she truly is safe and loved, forever.