We did it! We moved into our first house! I still can't believe we closed and we've moved in. Until the last possible moment I had fear that something would get in the way... something would stop our dream from coming true. I'm usually pretty optimistic but I've made so many mistakes in my life... especially in the management of my finances. It's hard to believe I managed to pull it together in recent years, enough to buy a home. That being said, I still have burden's of old debt hanging over my head but hopefully with the lower cost of living in SC I'll be able to get ahead vs. always juggling one bill from another.

What is so incredible about owning vs. renting is something I didn't even realize I'd feel.... a sense of permanence. I could paint the walls any color I wanted, I don't have to rush to settle in... we have as much time as we want or need, to truly make it feel like our own.

Even the animals seem happier... more secure in their new environment. Kajal loves it! She danced into her room singing at the top of her lungs that she loved it. She keeps referring to the blue/green guest room across from her as her 'future brothers' room.

We can grow in the house... add to our family and that is the most incredible part of this dream. My mother seems happy too... we're all buildling this beautiful new life together.

We're exhausted... surrounded by boxes and full of peace at the same time.

Tonight when Kajal was going to sleep she turned to me, Mom, she asked. When someone bad makes you fall on a knife do you go to Heaven?

Hm?

Where did that come from, Kajal? I look around at our lovely new home and wonder if all of this good, all of this change is somehow making her feel more vulnerable. She still doesn't trust that 'good' lasts.

Oh, remember when I had a bad dream in Boston but I didn't tell you about it?

Yeah?

Well, I had this dream, about a bad man coming and sending you to heaven by making you fall on his big knife. What if he made you and Grandma fall on knives on purpose... what would happen to me if I was all alone?

Oh, baby. First of all, I am strong and am going to do everything in my power not to let anyone hurt me. We have an alarm system to protect us and I am taking lots of steps to keep us safe. We are living in a very safe place, we are going to be okay... for a really long time.

But what if Mom...

Well, then our family is bigger than you and me and Grandma... you have people who are your family forever and they will love you and take care of you too.  Your Uncle Phil, your friends Kim and George... they've all said if something bad happened to Mommy they would take care of you. It will be okay. You have so much love, your Aunt Linda, your Grandfather, your Aunt Lizzie... you are loved by sooooo many!

I hate talking about my potential loss but loss is real to her, she's been left alone... she knows the worst can happen. I hoped by letting her know, once again, that even though I would never leave her willingly and I'll do everything to keep us together that our family is bigger than 'us'...

I realize that she's been carrying this nightmare with her for months. Is it reminding her of memories lying latent in her heart and mind from her young years in India?

Honey, I ask, are you thinking about your India Mommy, the woman who's belly you came from?

You mean my Birth Mother, Mom? (she's so sophisticated!)

Yes....

No, Mommy, I was just thinking about my bad dream. About losing you.

Well, I asked God to keep us together for a really, really long time... until we're old and gray. I think he was listening and we're going to be okay. How long do you think we'll be together...

Forever and ever?

Yes, forever and ever....

She hugged me and once again, fell asleep peacefully, in my arms.