It's been so hard to write lately. So much is going on during the course of every day that I can barely think straight never mind sit down and capture the emotions, the experiences of the day. Kajal has adjusted to school and the climate here in South Carolina but her comfort level has been destroyed. She seems like a happy, well adjusted girl for the most part so I really thought she'd taken the move well. That she was emotionally ready for the next move into our new home. Assuming everything goes as planned in the next two weeks we'll be moving the end of the first week of November. Two moves in 3 months, it's alot for anyone to take never mind a 7 year old girl who has never really known security in her life.

She laughs, she plays... she charms. Then night time comes and we've gone back to how it was, almost, in the very beginning. Next week we celebrate one year from the date we became legally 'adopted' and November 14 will be our two year anniversary of the day I 'got her'. Anniversaries always shake things up. As I write this, I remember learning about it. How anniversaries can subconsiouslly bring about tremendous upheaval, even anniversaries of unknown or subconsious events.

Kajal is terrified of her own shadow. She tiptoes around our apartment, looking over her shoulder at every tiny noise. Someone knocks on the door, the dogs bark and screams at the top of her lungs. She's terrified of shadows outside the windows so I close the shades tight and then she imagines that beyond the shades, danger lurks. She wont walk to the bathroom alone, change her clothes or walk into a room.

I keep thinking, if this is what it's like in our apartment what will it be like in the new house? She wont go to sleep by herself, but she hasn't since the months leading up to the move. It's taking an hour to an hour and a half for her to fall asleep and she acts out during this time...chanting any word that comes to mind over and over, punching my arm, kicking her legs... whatever it takes to stay away until finally her eyes roll back in her head and she passes out.

I'm exhausted. I'm trying to be patient, understanding and supportive but some nights, like tonight.. I just lose it. I ended up yelling at her and stomping from the room which only made it worse, she had a full blown tantrum. I went back to comfort her and she pulled away chanting that I didn't love her, over and over again.

I know... I know. It's the move, the anniversary, the lack of security, it's all of it. I know I should remain calm and supportive but knowing it and doing it, all the time, are two different things.

Today after she finally fell asleep (close to 10 PM) I went out to take a jacuzzi (thank goodness for the apartment complexes pool and hot tub) it was freezing outside but I ran across the cold patio... my eyes glued to the fog curling over the hot water and all I could think of was that somehow, in that hot bubbling water I'd find my answers. I let myself sink into the water and said the Serenity prayer, over and over again.. hoping some how it would help ease the stress.

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

After endless recitals of this I realized I wasn't growing much calmer. If I have a Guardian Angel who happens to be anywhere near me right now and can hear my thoughts, I know you must be pretty disappointed in me, don't worry... I'm pretty disappointed in myself, too.