Brown Skin
Kajal's been so happy the last few days, it seems like the tiniest thing bring her incredible joy. An extra cookie after dinner, agreeing to play ball endlessly in the pool, a tinker bell pez toy (with those little tiny candies popping out) at Walmart. Every little thing brings a whoop of joy and a huge hug, just lately followed by the words... you are the best mom I've ever had!
The instinct is to laugh and answer, I'm the only mom.... but then it hits me, I'm not the only mom she's ever had.
We spent the day at a water park yesterday with a new friend here and her daughter... Kajal connected with this child so quickly, so beautifully. She's made her first friend here in Summerville and so have I. It feels great... truly a sign of new beginnings.
The nights are still challenging... the nightmares are gone but Kajal still needs to sleep in my room. She's all over the bed throughout the night and I must wake up at least five times to move her over so that I don't fall off myself. Needless to say I don't remember the last time I slept through the night and to say I'm tired would be putting it mildly. To help her fall asleep she's been using a mask. Last night she took off the mask... Mommy, I hear monsters coming. I need my mask off so I can see, but if I see my eyes will be open and I wont be able to sleep. What will I do?
Falling asleep is so hard for her, even now, almost two years later. It's okay, Kajal. I wont let the monsters come.
But what if they do Mommy, what will you do?
I wont let them come in, I'll keep them away, I promise.
But Mommy, what if they come in?!!!!! Will you kill them for me?
Yes, baby, if it makes you feel better... I'll kill the monsters for you.
Her eyes start to roll back in her head... oh, that's good mommy, you're the best mommy ever... and away she finally drifts, to sleep.
Tonight she curled up with one of her books about a seal pup that travels to a new home, leaving the friends he loves far behind at his old one. She looks at the first picture of the newborn pup and points to the mother. Mom, that's the seal's birth mother right?
Hmmmm.... well, I don't know, Kajal. Maybe it's the seals birth mother or maybe it's a mother than adopted the baby seal. We don't really know.
Yes we do mommy, we know. Look. She points to the picture of the mother on one page then jumps forward a few pages to another picture of the mother with baby seal. See, she says. See, they're different.
I look closer and I realize the illustrator changed the markings on the mother seal between drawings. Wow, talk about skills of observation.
See Mommy, the first mom is the birth Mother and the second one is his new mother.
Kajal, do you ever think about your India birth Mother? I ask, wondering where all this is going.
No, Mom, never.
You know if you do, you can tell me. It's okay, it's healthy and normal to wonder and to think about her. Even if you can't remember.
No, Mommy, I don't, would you just read the book.
On the next page she noticed the seal was changing his colors from white to brown.
Mommy, why is the seal changing color?
The story tells us that the pup is getting his grown up fur like you are getting grown up teeth. It's like that.
She's quiet.
Mom, do you love me even though I have ugly brown skin?
Uh oh.
I love every bit of you Kajal, and I think your brown skin is beautiful. I always have and I always will. Your skin is part of who you are, like you're eye color and your hair color. It's part of what makes you special but it's only the outside and what have we learned is the most important part of a person?
The inside.
That's right.
Kajal, has something happened? Why do you worry about the color of your skin.
Because some people don't like it Mommy. They don't like my skin.
How do you know that?
Remember in Boston, Mom. In school, the things some kids said.
Yes, I remember. Remember the word I taught you? And once again, we talked about racism.
Even when she is so happy, the damage has been done. In India, in Boston. Prejudice has scarred her and as hard as she tries to shut it out, be unaffected, it lives and breathes in the insecurity it's created in her.
I remind her that I love her... that she is beautiful in every way and I hold her as she falls asleep.
I wonder if I've found the right words, if talking about it helps. I wonder what else I can do to ease the pain of her self doubt....
The instinct is to laugh and answer, I'm the only mom.... but then it hits me, I'm not the only mom she's ever had.
We spent the day at a water park yesterday with a new friend here and her daughter... Kajal connected with this child so quickly, so beautifully. She's made her first friend here in Summerville and so have I. It feels great... truly a sign of new beginnings.
The nights are still challenging... the nightmares are gone but Kajal still needs to sleep in my room. She's all over the bed throughout the night and I must wake up at least five times to move her over so that I don't fall off myself. Needless to say I don't remember the last time I slept through the night and to say I'm tired would be putting it mildly. To help her fall asleep she's been using a mask. Last night she took off the mask... Mommy, I hear monsters coming. I need my mask off so I can see, but if I see my eyes will be open and I wont be able to sleep. What will I do?
Falling asleep is so hard for her, even now, almost two years later. It's okay, Kajal. I wont let the monsters come.
But what if they do Mommy, what will you do?
I wont let them come in, I'll keep them away, I promise.
But Mommy, what if they come in?!!!!! Will you kill them for me?
Yes, baby, if it makes you feel better... I'll kill the monsters for you.
Her eyes start to roll back in her head... oh, that's good mommy, you're the best mommy ever... and away she finally drifts, to sleep.
Tonight she curled up with one of her books about a seal pup that travels to a new home, leaving the friends he loves far behind at his old one. She looks at the first picture of the newborn pup and points to the mother. Mom, that's the seal's birth mother right?
Hmmmm.... well, I don't know, Kajal. Maybe it's the seals birth mother or maybe it's a mother than adopted the baby seal. We don't really know.
Yes we do mommy, we know. Look. She points to the picture of the mother on one page then jumps forward a few pages to another picture of the mother with baby seal. See, she says. See, they're different.
I look closer and I realize the illustrator changed the markings on the mother seal between drawings. Wow, talk about skills of observation.
See Mommy, the first mom is the birth Mother and the second one is his new mother.
Kajal, do you ever think about your India birth Mother? I ask, wondering where all this is going.
No, Mom, never.
You know if you do, you can tell me. It's okay, it's healthy and normal to wonder and to think about her. Even if you can't remember.
No, Mommy, I don't, would you just read the book.
On the next page she noticed the seal was changing his colors from white to brown.
Mommy, why is the seal changing color?
The story tells us that the pup is getting his grown up fur like you are getting grown up teeth. It's like that.
She's quiet.
Mom, do you love me even though I have ugly brown skin?
Uh oh.
I love every bit of you Kajal, and I think your brown skin is beautiful. I always have and I always will. Your skin is part of who you are, like you're eye color and your hair color. It's part of what makes you special but it's only the outside and what have we learned is the most important part of a person?
The inside.
That's right.
Kajal, has something happened? Why do you worry about the color of your skin.
Because some people don't like it Mommy. They don't like my skin.
How do you know that?
Remember in Boston, Mom. In school, the things some kids said.
Yes, I remember. Remember the word I taught you? And once again, we talked about racism.
Even when she is so happy, the damage has been done. In India, in Boston. Prejudice has scarred her and as hard as she tries to shut it out, be unaffected, it lives and breathes in the insecurity it's created in her.
I remind her that I love her... that she is beautiful in every way and I hold her as she falls asleep.
I wonder if I've found the right words, if talking about it helps. I wonder what else I can do to ease the pain of her self doubt....
My Asha loves that her brown skin has "Melanin". She learned that word at 3, I believe. She knows it makes her skin "strong". Thankfully, despite one negative comment (that I know of), she continues to love her "strong" beautiful skin.
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Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again.
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