A big part of my decision to move from Boston was to put ourselves in a better position financially. No matter how hard I worked I always seemed to be juggling bills, debt, daily living. I still owe an attorney for the final adoption fees and that bill haunts me nightly. I knew I had to change to catch up, to get ahead. We're building a home down here, actually building a home. It's amazing, we'll have our own home and I'll be reducing my cost of living dramatically, enough to finally, put debt to rest and be able to relax and enjoy our life without those daily financial pressures.

Yesterday, I walked through our home. I never thought I'd be a single mom... it still blows my mind that I am. Now, I'm building a home for my family... my daughter, my mother and future children. As I walked through the house, I looked at the bones of what would become a home. The wood frame, the plumbing... I didn't know what I was looking at but the construction manager calmly explained step by step what I was looking at. As the technical information flew over my head I found myself closing my eyes and listening for the sound of the footsteps I knew would one day be running over head. I wondered who the children were, out there in the world now... whose voices would ring with laughter. I touched the walls and prayed that this house would keep us safe from harm, be a haven of love.

As I was about to leave I pulled out a pen and wrote on a wall by the door, Mommy Loves Kajal and drew a heart around it.  My realtor, now friend, Tiffany took a photo for me to show Kajal later. I knew the dry wall would cover it soon, but we'd always know it was there.

Kajal's had a horrific tantrum again yesterday. One of the worst in a long time. She'd come home from school and wanted to play with me but I needed to work. Before I knew it she was out of control, the tears and the storm lasted for what seemed like hours. Nothing would calm her.

This change has been harder on her than she shows on a daily basis. The tantrum was so well needed but boy, was it hard to watch and listen to. I was okay for a while but then lost my temper and forced her to sit quietly in a chair next to me (time in) while I worked.

That night as she fell asleep I told her it was okay to cry, okay to be mad, okay to be sad and I reminded her that I always love her and always want her, no matter what. She looked at me and very calmly said, but you were mad mom, weren't you. Yes, I was, I get mad sometimes to, Kajal. Did you want to hit me Mom? Did you want to punch me in the face?

She was so calm, so matter of fact. Once again, as I've explained countless times before I told her no, I never want to hit her, never want to hurt her. Then I wrapped my arms around her and held her until she fell asleep.

This Thanksgiving we'll be celebrating 2 years home, do you believe it? She's a walking miracle, the most loving and generous soul in the world but she carries her pain, her fears that surfact so easily. She's terrified that one day I wont want her.

Is that how she felt as a child when her own birth mother abandoned her. Left her in some unknown way or circumstance? That pain that lives, that horrific experience haunts her and lives in her daily insecurity. But with that pain she still loves, unconditionally.

The nightmares of the streets of India and the horrific orphanage life still leave her believing that she deserves to be hit, that hitting is an acceptable form of expressing anger.. we can only pray that time will help her continue to heal.

Tonight we went to our storage unit (90% of our things are still packed in a storage unit, garage at the edge of the property were staying at until our home is finished) Kajal was with me. I stepped in to the garage and the first thing I saw was a brown spider crawling a long a box. I tossed the box far away from us out onto the street only to turn and see another one crawling in a web at the edge of the unit.

I pulled Kajal out and we ran to the street closing the garage door behind us. Welcome to the South! The spiders were Brown Recluse spiders, I'd be told about them and just earlier today after freaking out over a black spider I saw learned the description of the dangerous brown one.

We ran up to the apartment complex's management office and told the management team who immediately arranged for an exterminator to come in and spray the whole unit tomorrow.

I have to admit though I'm terrified. These spiders are so dangerous, you can lose a limb or a life from one bite. Especially children and the elderly. As freaked out as the creepy crawlies made me I was more concerned about how I was going to protect my mother and child. All the boxes are being moved into our home in a few months. What if there are spiders in them, will the infest our new house? I'll have them spray again right before we leave but will that be enough? Will I have to unpack every box wearing huge rainboots and protective gloves? Can I even move the boxes and all of our things into the house? I'm a girly girl... spiders freak me out.

I kept telling Kajal everything was going to be okay but I'm stumped at how to fix this. I'll talk to the exterminators tomorrow and do my research but if anyone out there has any ideas... let me know. Perhaps I'm over reacting and it was just those two spiders but I can't stop obsessing about the creepy crawlies