I'll be your friend. Such simple words, if only it were so easy. When we were hanging out on the porch at Red's Ice Box on Shims Creek, Sullivan's Island last week (amazing place, as you eat your seafood at outdoor waterside picnic tables you can watch the dolphins play) my mother was talking with my friends about how she never had many friends. She mentioned she only had one or two really good ones. Kajal looked up sadly, feeling for my mother.

Grandma, I'll be your friend.

My mother was so touched, without hesitating she replied. Oh no Kajal, you are much more than my friend. You are my heart.

What a moment... love as unconditional as it comes and with all its simplicity.

But it's not easy for little girls to make new friends. Kajal started school this past Monday and although she loved the atmosphere of the school itself and her new teacher she admitted the children could be mean.

The teacher had asked all the children to put away pieces of a game they'd been playing with. Kajal takes what the teacher asks very seriously. They have the color card system in all the schools these days it seems, Green for Great behavior, Yellow for okay and Red for Warning or bad behavior. Kajal hates to lose her Green status so she is always jumping to do what the teacher asks. One little girl was holding the bag for the game pieces and when it came Kajal's turn to put hers away, the girl hid the bag.

Kajal stood up to the child (as she recounted the story, I was so proud of her)

So I told her Mommy, I said, I have sharp eyes and I saw you hide the bag! The teacher saw as well and moved the girls card to yellow.

The next day, Kajal came home a little less enthusiastic about school.

What happened today Kajal? Oh, Mommy, 'the' girl is so mean. Today she told all the other children in class not to talk with me and I was sad because I met a nice girl and I want to be her friend but the nice girl is afraid of the mean girl, everyone is, so she won't talk with me.

What did you do, baby?

I sat with the teacher, she talks with me.

Hmmmm....  I wrote a note and sent it into school with Kajal. The teacher called and admitted to me this particular girl can be a bit mean, it's not person, just the way she is. She made the excuse 'look at the television the children watch, theirs always mean girls in school in the cartoons'.

Huh! Making excuses for bad behavior in first grade, no wonder kids get away with murder and bullying exists. The teacher ended up by moving Kajal's desk to the far side of the room, but why not move the other child?

I spoke to a friend of mine that's a teacher and she told me there is little that anyone can do in the public school system. The teachers hands are tied. Is this true? I just can't accept that.

I know that Kajal is more vulnerable than most children for many reasons, initially her lack of language, the insecurity she feels due to all she's been through and sometimes, very simply the fact that she doesn't racially fit into a larger group and that she and I are bi-racial. We rollplay together and I work hard with her to teach her ways to protect and stand up for herself.

We can give our children tools but where is the responsibility of the school system to stem this tide of 'meanness' and bullying that intimidates and harms our children emotionally in the schools themselves?

It seems the problem lies more often with girls than with boys. Why aren't programs established to help these young girls develop a better sense of self, teach lessons of kindness and compassion and have repurcussions for bad behavior. The card system just isn't enough.

I'm so frustrated... well, you know I'll be headed to the principals office to discuss just this. I always believe that behavior stems from a greater place of unhappieness and lack of well being. I've tried to teach Kajal that people who are unkind are most often, unhappy.

Perhaps in some way we can build programs into our public schools that help children feel better about themselves, so that they don't lash out at others.