It's been an intense roller coaster these last few weeks. Kajal and I traveled to Charleston, SC to explore the area as a potential new home. We fell in love with the land, all those magnificent live oak trees with Spanish moss floating in the wind. It's time for a change for us, a warmer climate with a lower cost of living than Boston. We loved everything that we saw and knew that we'd found our new home.

Kajal playing in the ocean on the Isle of Palms, Charleston SC

Shortly after we'd arrived back home Kajal was incredibly clingy. This happens after we return from a trip. She's much more intense and more needy, literally hanging off of me. For the most part I don't mind, I understand she needs this closeness. One evening I was trying to do some work and she wouldn't stop interupting. I begged her to just give me a few minutes to do what I needed to do but she would stop climbing on me, finally I just blurted out 'just leave me alone'. Her face just shut down. Okay Mom, I'll leave you alone. She backed away from me, her eyes closed down... reflecting hurt and numbness. She walked away from me and kept her distance for the next 30 minutes or so. I got my work done but the guilt was killing me. Kajal, how did it make you feel when I asked you to leave me alone? Silence. Did it make you feel silly? Silence. Did it make you feel mad? She stared at her hands. Did it make you feel like jumping for joy? Did it make you feel sad? She looks up at me. Yes, Mommy, it made me feel sad. Her tears start. I'm sorry, Kajal, I'm sorry I made you feel sad. Did my words make you feel anything else? It made me feel like you didn't want to be my Mommy anymore.

I took her in my arms and told her that I always, always want to be her mother but that some times I just need a few minutes to get work done. We talked for a while and she seemed to calm down and grow more serene.

I always have to remember how quickly she can go that place where her greatest fear, I wont want her anymore, will resurface. Every day I tell her that I love her, at least 20 times... but I'm not sure, for a long time, it will be quite enough.

We got together with her friend Manisha the other day. It's so amazing to see the two of them together after all this time and to see how they've both grown. To realize how far they've each come from that orphanage in Pune. A friend of ours was asking Kajal who Manisha was and Kajal very proudly said, she from India like me! We were born in the same home.

Some how the facts and the details of her history had become confused in her mind and since the only memories she has are of the orphanage it makes sense to her that they were both born there, in that building.

We talked that night of how she was born several years before that and of how she'd had an 'Indian birth Mommy'. It didn't really seem to register though and her mind drifted to other subjects.

Manisha and Kajal on a Carousel


This past year we've had challenges in school, particularly with this one girl who seems to bully Kajal. I've talked with the school, the teachers as well as the childs parents but I never seem to get anywhere. The girl is always telling Kajal that she is smarter than Kajal, she brags of the money her parents supposedly give her (millions of dollars), she brags of gifts she gets or things she has. She points out her clothing and all of her perfections and some how Kajal always walks away feeling 'less than'. This is the same girl who ends up talking Kajal out of her snack money or the little surprises I pack in her lunch box. The girls mother has responded to my concerns with comments of how Kajal 'offer's' her daughter the snack money or other items and her daughter has trouble refusing such generosity. Give me a break.

It's always something, every day Kajal comes home with a story of how this girl tried to take her books, her headband... you name it.

I've tried to caution Kajal about her, explaining that this child is not her friend (the girl has often threatened to not be Kajal's friend if Kajal doesn't give her things) but it seems that Kajal cares more about this little girl than anyone else in school. It worries me that of all the children the one that Kajal wants to be like, wants to 'win over' is the one most abusive.

This morning as Kajal was getting ready for school she mentioned to me that her teacher had told her to bring a book to school. One of her new summer work books. It was field day, a day when the school would be playing outdoor games, it didn't make sense. I verablized my doubt but Kajal insisted the teacher told her to bring a book to school. Okay, pack a book if you feel you need to. Then she went into her room and as she shut the door she told me she needed some privacy. Hmmm, she was already dressed and never needs to close her door at other times. I wondered what she was up to but let it go. She came out of her room and grabbed a work book off of the coffee table and told me she wanted to clean up and put it away... hmmm, something wasn't right. Two minutes went by and Kajal came out of her room looking sick to her stomach.

I don't feel good Mommy. Why honey, what's wrong. I've been dishonest with you Mommy and it doesn't feel good. It makes me feel bad. (Well that's a good thing). What have you been dishonest about?

I've been lying to you. Victoria (that's 'the' girl) told me to bring my work books into school and give them to her so she can be smarter than me. The note in my bag isn't really from my teacher, it's from her, she wrote it.

What note? I look through her back pack and sure enough I find a note scrawled in a child's hand saying something like this: " Dear Kajal's Mommy,  please have Kajal bring her math book to school. Love Mrs. C"

I couldn't believe it! The child had forged a note from my daughters teacher to get what she wanted! I walked over to the school steaming. Kajal asked if I was mad. Yes, Kajal but not at you. I am very, very proud of you that you told me the truth. It's so important to always tell your Mommy the truth. I wont get mad at you for telling me the truth. (I think about this, keep in mind I haven't had my coffee yet at this point) Well, maybe Mommy will get mad if you tell me you did something bad, but I'll always love you and I'll always be happy that you've told me a truth'  Even my head was spinning at this point but all I could do was think about getting to the school and raising you know what. We marched to the school, the our pet Logan right by our side. Dogs aren't alowed in school but Oh Well, it was one of those days, he needed to be walked and she needed to go to school and I definitely needed to see her teacher.

I walked through the school with little kids shaking their finger at me due to Logan's wagging tail, at least he didn't pee in the hall. We got to the class and the teacher wasn't there yet. As I stood in the hall waiting Kajal rushed out, she's in there mommy, she's asking me for the book what do I do? Nothing, baby, Mommy will.

I stepped in the room and saw the little girl standing in the midst of 15 other children. I raised my voice and pointed my finger at her.
"Victoria! You will stop asking my daughter for things! You will not take her money, you will not take her books, you will take nothing more from her from this day on do you hear me? If you want something go ask your own mommy or daddy!" The 6 year old just stared sullenly up at me. Kajal's teacher walked in and had heard the story. She walked out in the hall and I handed her the note. I was shaking with anger. The teacher was stunned, in all her years of teaching she'd never had a kindergardener forge her signature on a note like this. She promised to take it to the principal and deal with the parents. Just keep this child away from my daughter was about all I could communicate, the anger was too much. I didn't think I could get much more upset or rattled, knowing your child was being bullied and manipulated made me sick to my stomack and furious beyond beleif. But there was more to come.

I joined Kajal for lunch at her field day and asked her how she was doing. Fine she told me, but there's something else that Victoria said that I forgot to tell you Mommy. Really, baby, what was that?

A few days ago I asked her to play with me and she said no, her Mommy told her not to play with brown children.

After reeling from those words I told Kajal how wrong this child was, that what a person is all about is what's on the inside not the out. That her skin is part of her and part of what makes her so special. I then marched her over to her teacher and shaking with anger I had her repeat her story to the teacher, reassuring her that I was proud of her for telling us what happened.

I also cornered the Principal who promised to talk with the parents but also said it would be a 'he said she said' scenario. She apologized because she and I had talked about such things when I first registered Kajal at this school and had promised me they had a 'no tolerance' policy on bullying and racism. He said she said bull crap, I said, you've at least got the note, you have proof of what she's been doing to that extent.

We talked about it more tonight, Kajal and I. We read the books, It's okay to be different and It's a colorful world. We talked.

I can't even put into words how sad I feel tonight, before writing this entry I sat and cried. Sobbed from a pain so deep in my heart. I thought of all the children and people of the world who have been hated, mistreated for the color of their skin. I thought of my precious beautiful daughter who felt 'less than' because of such shallow hatred and bias. I worry that she is comfortable in the role of the victim, attracted to the abuser in the group,  that for her it's more important to win over this one person who will only hurt her than to walk away and play with the children who are always kind.

I struggle in writing this because I don't even know how to put what I feel into words. Racism, cruelty, manipulation, bullying... and we're only in Kindergarden.