As I tucked Kajal into bed the other night I sang my little song to her (same tune different words every night) this particular night I sang about dreams, suggesting she dream about rainbows and fairy friends. Mom, what are dreams? Dreams are when you go to sleep and dream about things that make you happy... wonderful fun things. She looked at me puzzled. But Mom, my dreams are always bad, I never dream about good things.

She's never had a good dream. Not one. She didn't even know what dreams were... they're all just nightmares in her experience. I wrapped her so tightly in my arms, wanting to make all the bad dreams go away. Then I talked to her about all the wonderful things we can dream about and as I listed off all of her favorite things, Tinker Bell, Dora, Diego, fairies and butterflies she drifted off peacefully to sleep and I prayed with all of my heart that some joy would make it's way into her sleepy mind.

I remember a time when hope was gone from my life. It took everything in my power to keep taking one step in front of another. I couldn't bring myself to dream never mind hope for the future. It took a lot of work, praying and guidance to reach a point where I could heal and dream again. Now, all I do is dream about the bright future I hope to have with Kajal and her future siblings (I can't wait to adopt more children) and even, sometimes I dream about finding love again.

It's almost impossible to imagine a little girl, seven years old who has been so hurt and let down by life that she doesn't know how to dream. I hope I can help her learn, one little dream at a time.

I started this blog for Kajal. When I was boarding a plane to India, to share our story with our friends and loved ones but most of all for her. So that one day she could read these words and know how we became a family. So these next words are for her, in the future when she's bored one day or struggling with life and hopes to gleam some wisdom from our early days, from her moms words.

Kajal, I know life can be difficult. Some times, unbearable.  When you've been hurt the memories of that pain can darken your mind and even your soul. Hope, even the concept of hope is like an illusive shadow that escapes you every time you try and rally yourself to reach for it. But the reality of life is that the darkness only comes to an end by not giving up, but by getting up each day and doing what you need to do to get through every hour of every day. It's the simple things, like feeling the warm water cascade over your hands by washing the dishes and feeling the sun on your face as you sit in a park on a spring day. The simple things will remind you, slowly, one moment at a time, that there is good in the world and before you know it, the pain will slip away and joy will come creeping in. With those moments of joy you'll start to dare to dream and one tiny dream at a time will lead to hope of a brighter future.

Remember as well that the best way to heal is often by helping others. When we are in service to others we are not thinking of ourselves and the act of caring and helping takes us out of our own way and in doing that, helps us grow stronger.

I remember a Valentines day when I was so lonely, I thought I'd never find love again. I couldn't think what to do for myself so I ran to a CVS and bought about 50 boxes of those tiny little hearts with sweet sayings on them. Then I walked up and down the streets of Boston and anyone I saw who looked lonely or lost, I gave them a box and wished them a happy Valentines Day. Two homeless men were sitting on a stoop, drunk. When I gave them the boxes one looked at the other and said, see, someone loves you.  In that moment I found joy and my self pity slipped away.

Dear Kajal, never forget that you are worthy of a wonderful future, full of joy and love and many wonderful adventures. Allow yourself to dream....