Mothers day ended on a bit of a rough note, to say the least. We'd had a beautiful day, flying kites and playing in the park. We came home to relax as the evening drew near and as I stretched out on the couch I saw a split in the upholstery. As I looked closer I noticed that it was a cut about 4 inches long, jagged and sharp. Kajal what is this? Silence. Kajal, tell me the truth. What happened? Silence. Were you playing with Mommy's scissors? She slided up to me and softly said something. Speak up Kajal, did you do this on purpose or was it an accident? I have to admit, financially, I'm stressed. The upcoming potential move is looming over my head and I feel like I'm juggling bills on a weekly basis. She wouldn't answer and before I knew it I yelled... full blown, loud as can be... Kajal, if you don't tell me the truth I will never buy you another watermelon slush as long as I live! Oh my goodness, I still can't believe that came out of my mouth. Kajal of course, adores watermelon slush. The tears started, the lips start to quiver, it was an accident Mommy. I was cutting something and it just happened, I didn't see. I didn't mean to. The tears turned to full blown sobbing and I held her to me. I reminded her that no matter how mad I got I would always love her, always like her. I also put down the law, no more art work of any kind any where near the couch or any other piece of furniture in the house. Before long, I checked over the couch and flipped the cushion, hiding the tear and we both felt better. Game time came, we curled up with a few of our favorites and she went to sleep peacefully.

Tonight, we had our challenges. After dinner it's our habit to go outside for an hour before bedtime and hang out in the park with Logan and our neighborhood friends.  Kajal had her scooter but became bored and asked to go in. I was waiting on a friend I wanted to return some DVD's to so I asked her to wait a bit. Needless to say, she got agitated and started to whine and complain. I finally agreed to go in but let her know that I was unhappy with her bad behavior. I explained that she was acting rude and selfishly in that she wouldn't stop complaining or allow me to speak with anyone else.  You think I'm bad... she said. No, I explained, you just had some bad behavior but there's nothing about you, that's bad. Hmmm, she huffed off, I'm bad.

I followed her into the house and as she went for the tv I told her no, their was a consequence for her behavior and that consequence was no tv for the next 30 minutes. She sulked on the couch as I cleaned around the apartment. As I picked up her things, she tossed a balloon in my face. I looked around the apartment at her clothes and toys tossed on the floor.

You know what Kajal, right now, I'm not very happy. I'm working hard here and not only are you not helping, you're throwing toys in my face. That's not nice.

Do you want to kill me Mommy? She whispered it, but I heard her.

What? Oh my God, I thought. Out loud I asked again, What Kajal? What did you say. Softly, she asked the question again.

I went and sat beside her. No, Kajal, I do not want to kill you. I don't want to hurt you. I may have moments of anger but that doesn't get in the way of my loving you, completely.

Okay, Mom... and she ran into her room and started picking up her clothes.

As I tucked her into bed, I asked her. Kajal, what does it mean, to want to kill someone?

It means you're really mad at them and you want to hurt them so you hit them really hard and it makes them go away, forever.

Were you really afraid that Mommy felt that way? Yes.

I know that anger is a dangerous emotion. To Kajal, the emotion from me, triggers her memorie of India. The emotion triggers intense fear and brings back all the horrors that she has experienced in her little life. To her, this is real. To her, in a moment all of this good could go away, my love is still fragile to her. She is so hard on herself, much harder than I could ever be. She punishes herself more than I could ever discipline.

I try with words to remind her how precious she is to me. I remind her that I love her and made a committment, a promise to love her forever. I told her I made that promise not only to her but to God and to myself.

Kajal, I'm a person. You're a person. People have all sorts of emotions, glad, mad, silly and sad. It's normal to have these emotions even healthy to experience all of these emotions. No matter what emotions I feel or show you, underneath all of them is pure love, all the time, for you.

I'm not sure if she really believes me. I hold her hand and sing her to sleep and once again, pray that she finds peace while I pray for help to control my temper, rare or not... it just doesn't belong in our home.