Night time, Heaven and all those questions
The last few weeks have been a little step back for Kajal, sleep wise. She's back in my room most nights and afraid to go to sleep. The monsters that lurked in the shadows of night in India, are still so real for her. As real as they were there. She saw ghosts lurking outside the windows, heard every noise in the night and has had reoccuring nightmares of dinosaurs threatening her. She asked me one night as she lay curled in my arms, what if someone comes in and hurts me Mommy. What if someone bad comes in the room. I calmed her with words of my love, my commitment to protecting her and keeping her safe.
Her eyes heavy with sleep have once again forgotten to close, what you and I know naturally is a struggle for her. Even after almost a year and a half, believing she is safe, safe enough to allow those little eye lids to grow heavy enough to close naturally is very difficult for her.
We've been talking a lot about moving. I know that moving is going to uproot her once again and may impact her feelings of security but I'm hoping that the fact my mother will join us in our new location will ease the change. To make matters even more stressful, we'll most likely face two moves in the coming year. One down South in late August, the second when we find a home to buy in a community we can see ourselves for the long term. I know that practically, renting first makes the most sense so that we can spend the time really getting to know the area and searching for our perfect 'new home'. We've zeroed in to Charleston South Carolina and she seems pretty excited about the fact we wont have to face a harsh winter again.
One day she approached me and place both her hands on my shoulders, gazed in my eyes somberly and simply said, Mom, it's time to move. Why I asked her, why now? She proceeded to tell me of a child who had been mean to her in school that day. Kajal, there are mean girls everywhere, I can help you learn how to handle them. That's not a reason to move.
We talked about all the reasons that we were going to move, the real reasons. No more frigid winters, a chance to have a large enough home to have my mother move in with us and to adopt more children (down the road). She seems really happy about it.
She really misses my mother and I think that the idea of her Grandmother being with her again really plays a large role in her excitement.
The other day we were in a store and Kajal approached me clasping a card in her hand. Look what I found Mommy, isn't it beautiful? It was a white condolence card with a silver cross on the front (the kind that detaches as a pin) She was staring at the cross with adoration. Isn't it beautiful perfect Mommy, look at the cross, it's Jesus. You're right honey it is. Can we have it? Well, that's actually a condolence card, that's something you send to someone that lost someone. We don't know anyone that's lost anyone recently.
She thinks about this. But Mommy, we kind of lost Grandma.
She's always thinking... well, we didn't really lose Grandma, I explained. It only feels that way because we haven't seen her in a while. These cards are for someone who lost someone who passed away, who died and went to Heaven. OK, Mom, can I get an ice cream then?
Last night as we were hanging out before bed Kajal asked, Mom, who goes to Heaven? Oh boy. I believe that anyone who tries to do the right thing goes to Heaven. When someone goes to Heaven do they sit up or lie down? They do what ever they want Kajal, I believe Heaven is a place full of beauty and love where you can do anything you enjoy doing. That's where people that we love go when they pass away, they go to be with God. If someone goes to Heaven can they come back to Boston. Hmm. No honey, when they go to Heaven they stay there. Forever and ever and ever and ever? Yes, Kajal, forever and ever.
I wouldn't like that then Mommy, I don't want to go to Heaven. Well, darlin' you don't have to worry about that... you're not going to go for a really, really long time. Until you're older than Grandpa and Grandpa. Oh good, Mommy, because I'd rather stay here with you.
Me too.
Her eyes heavy with sleep have once again forgotten to close, what you and I know naturally is a struggle for her. Even after almost a year and a half, believing she is safe, safe enough to allow those little eye lids to grow heavy enough to close naturally is very difficult for her.
We've been talking a lot about moving. I know that moving is going to uproot her once again and may impact her feelings of security but I'm hoping that the fact my mother will join us in our new location will ease the change. To make matters even more stressful, we'll most likely face two moves in the coming year. One down South in late August, the second when we find a home to buy in a community we can see ourselves for the long term. I know that practically, renting first makes the most sense so that we can spend the time really getting to know the area and searching for our perfect 'new home'. We've zeroed in to Charleston South Carolina and she seems pretty excited about the fact we wont have to face a harsh winter again.
One day she approached me and place both her hands on my shoulders, gazed in my eyes somberly and simply said, Mom, it's time to move. Why I asked her, why now? She proceeded to tell me of a child who had been mean to her in school that day. Kajal, there are mean girls everywhere, I can help you learn how to handle them. That's not a reason to move.
We talked about all the reasons that we were going to move, the real reasons. No more frigid winters, a chance to have a large enough home to have my mother move in with us and to adopt more children (down the road). She seems really happy about it.
She really misses my mother and I think that the idea of her Grandmother being with her again really plays a large role in her excitement.
The other day we were in a store and Kajal approached me clasping a card in her hand. Look what I found Mommy, isn't it beautiful? It was a white condolence card with a silver cross on the front (the kind that detaches as a pin) She was staring at the cross with adoration. Isn't it beautiful perfect Mommy, look at the cross, it's Jesus. You're right honey it is. Can we have it? Well, that's actually a condolence card, that's something you send to someone that lost someone. We don't know anyone that's lost anyone recently.
She thinks about this. But Mommy, we kind of lost Grandma.
She's always thinking... well, we didn't really lose Grandma, I explained. It only feels that way because we haven't seen her in a while. These cards are for someone who lost someone who passed away, who died and went to Heaven. OK, Mom, can I get an ice cream then?
Last night as we were hanging out before bed Kajal asked, Mom, who goes to Heaven? Oh boy. I believe that anyone who tries to do the right thing goes to Heaven. When someone goes to Heaven do they sit up or lie down? They do what ever they want Kajal, I believe Heaven is a place full of beauty and love where you can do anything you enjoy doing. That's where people that we love go when they pass away, they go to be with God. If someone goes to Heaven can they come back to Boston. Hmm. No honey, when they go to Heaven they stay there. Forever and ever and ever and ever? Yes, Kajal, forever and ever.
I wouldn't like that then Mommy, I don't want to go to Heaven. Well, darlin' you don't have to worry about that... you're not going to go for a really, really long time. Until you're older than Grandpa and Grandpa. Oh good, Mommy, because I'd rather stay here with you.
Me too.
Comments