This past week has been an incredibly stressful one. Full of sadness and fear.

I've been blessed with a wonderful career these past five years. With a solid company, opportunities for growth and stability. As a single mother, a day never went by that I didn't wake up full of gratitude for the job I have that gives me the security to take care of my child. I was managing a group of 25 people, many of whom were some of the most talented recruiters I've ever worked with. I ran the recruiting effort for one of the largest and most respected companies in the country. In January, I had to lay off 12 of them... and last week, the remaining 12 were let go. My sadness was so intense and my heart so heavy. I've grown to care for and love each of these individuals for the remarkable people that they are. My own job security seemed uncertain and as I look towards the future it's taking everything I have to not let the fear take complete hold of me. I was literally, down on my knees, praying.  I pray every day... I have conversations with God... I thank him for everything and everyone in my life.... all the time. Often it's when I'm going to sleep, or walking through my day. This, this was a different kind of praying... this was the desperate... help me, guide me, I need you now, kind of praying.

I'm coming up on a very special anniversary and lately it's had me reviewing so many aspects of my life. On April 13, I'll celebrate 10 years of sobriety.

10 years. Wow. Most of you reading this, even those who know me... don't know this. I know I'm exposing myself in a huge way but I'm taking a leap of faith that what I write will not be judged, but accepted with compassion and love.

If you have ever wondered if people are capable of changing, stop wondering. They can. I did. When I was a child I was diagnosed with genetic birth defects of my heart. The doctors gave my parents a 14 year life expectancy for me. I learned this myself when I was about 10 years old and over heard nurses talking. I went to church and I went to Sunday school but I had no real concept of who God was. But boy I started praying. Deal making. God, if I'm a really good girl will you save me? I was pretty shy in school, that scrawny sickly kid that every one beat up.

I passed the 14th year, which seemed like a miracle. Each year after was a gift and then in my late teens, I got sick again. I was in the hospital at 18 after my first 'true love' broke my heart by cheating on me, with an infection that was running rampant in my system and threatening  my life. I was unconscious when the doctors gave my parents the grim news, they didn't believe I'd make it through. A priest read last rights and although I was unconscious, I heard and saw it all. I remember the colorful balloons in my room and the nurses carrying flowers in. The sound of my mothers knitting needles clicking away by the side of my bed while she whispered over and over again how much she loved me and that she knew I'd be okay. She never gave up on me or on hope and all the while I kept thinking that I just needed to nap and that I would be alright.

Shortly after that my parents made a bold and life saving step. A Doctor offered me a chance to ensure I'd have up to five more years of life by replacing some of my aortic valves with pig valves. The choice was, guarantee almost five years of life but the valves wouldn't last longer and that would ensure that five years was the max I would live. My parents didn't accept that... they wanted more life for me. They took the leap of faith I would recover on my own...


You think I'd take care of my body and heart after that.  My sense of self was always wrapped up in what others thought of me. I had no real sense of self. At times, I partied like there was no tomorrow and perhaps a part of myself, really believed that. I made incredibly unwise choices in love... always seeking to be fulfilled, saved, perhaps by the next man I fell in love with and boy, did I fall in love. I would completely loose my head over someone totally inappropriate and lose all sense of who I was. I was highly material and attracted to highly visible and successful men... not necessarily the long lasting, love you forever types. 

Some part of me felt the material possessions and glamorous life represented security and self validation. But I look back and in the most exciting moments of these 'great love experiences' there was a shallowness, a great sense of being alone. I stood at the side of a stage watching a man that I loved sing to 10,000 screaming fans.. he was a great love and a dear friend but as we walked off the stage hand in hand I knew there was no real future and that saddened me. There was the time I jetted across the sky in a Lear jet to pick up a senator running for President with my then love sitting by my side. A genius PR guru, the sun was setting beautifully out the windows. One of the most beautiful sights I'd ever beheld and as I turned to share it with him he waved his hand to brush me away as he talked on the phone and alone I reached for a bottle of wine. There was the New England Philanthropist whose name is on street signs in Boston, he claimed to love me but agreed to a future only if I gave up my dream of children. The list goes on. Some part of me knew that there were much more important things in life. I spent every extra minute granting wishes for children who were seriously ill. I granted over 150 wishes for children, many of whom faced only hours of life.

That was my favorite role in my life at that stage... not the men or the Rolls Royces, not the champagne or the glamorous star studded parties. It was the little faces of children struggling with cancer and heart disease describing their most desired wish and me... wanting nothing more than to give them some hope by granting them.

10 years ago, I chose to turn my life around. I stopped losing myself in those bottles of wine and chose a more spiritual, sober path instead. I stopped going to parties and bars at the 4 Seasons. I focused on my friends, my family and finally... I took the time to really get to know myself.

Approximately three years ago I experienced a terrifying cardiac event. On the way to the hospital I wondered whether I would live through the day. Initially, the doctors told me that the test showed I'd had a heart attack. Later, additional testing told them that it was an 'event' vs. an attack. After all these years and more testing they found that I was experiencing tachycardia arythmias. While laying in the hospital I prayed for the children I'd hoped to have, the courage to go into the world and find them vs. waiting for the traditional love, marriage, child birth path. An amazing Doctor at Mass General in Boston was the first to identify a medication that would regulate my heart and gave me the incredible news that I was indeed safe and would have a long and healthy future.

People do change. I did. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. I don't chase the things I used to or look for a man to solve my life problems. I've learned to solve them myself. I pursued the dream of motherhood, on my own with the love and support of my family and friends. For a girl who always wanted to be married and have a traditional family, be a stay at home mom with a man responsible for supporting me I took those steps onto the plane to India and chose new dreams. 

The man of my future will be one of integrity and kindness, compassion for others and a loving father and if that man doesn't make his way into my life, I'll be a strong and reliable mother to my child and hopefully, future children.

As I carried my little one home from India I knew that the only thing that mattered, was helping her heal. Helping this precious child come to know that she was loved and not alone.

Yesterday my company came to me and told me that my people would not be laid off. They believed in my team and would do everything in their power to keep them employed. A major corporation made a decision based on their people and a dream of a better future for all of us, not solely on fiscal short term results. We were able to share this news and as I breathed a sigh of relief my heart filled with hope of a more secure future.

The other day, as we were leaving the house headed for school, Kajal turned to me. Mommy you forgot your phone. Normally I take my blackberry with me for our short walk to school just in case work needed me. I turned to her, you know what baby. I'm going to leave my phone at home. I want this time to be about you and me. I want to focus only on you.

Oh Mommy, she sighed, you just won a Mommy badge.

A Mommy badge... now, that is truly....what life is all about.