I hate myself. That's what she said. 7 years old and she is telling me, that she hates herself. How does someone so young feel such intense dislike of themselves? I know, I know... any child of neglect, abandonment, abuse... the scars, the pain, the self doubt. I read it all, I get it, but I don't get it. It just is so hard to process and leaves me feeling such intense sadness. She was over tired, it was bed time again and she didn't have the energy to choose a nightgown. Then she wouldn't go to bed, then she physically fought me to keep from going to bed. Before the tears and screams came again she calmly stood there in her bedroom, gazed up at me and said the words. I hate myself. Why, I asked, why do you feel that way? Because you don't like me, she says. I'm bad, so you don't like me... I just hate myself.  I try to explain the differences between not liking behavior and not liking a person but it was just too confusing for her. 

She acts out, tries to hit me or kick me then gets hurt when I stop her or scold her. Tonight she was kicking so hard while screaming and crying that I had to hold her legs down. She screamed that she hated me, called me stupid and every name she could think of. After a while she wore herself down and asked if she could curl up in my bed. I took her there and whispered a story to her to help her go to sleep... she was so stressed and anxious that once again she'd forgotten how to close her eyes. Sleepy as can be and afraid to close her eyes. I told her some silly story I made up, of a little girl named Kajal who shrunk to the size of a fairy and visited a squirrel in his beautiful home in the hole of a tree. I don't know, it's all I could think of. She whispered she loved me but I saw the fear and doubt in her eyes, fear that she'd pushed me a way, fear that she'd lost me in some way. I kept telling her it was going to be okay... that I loved her and finally she fell asleep.

I'm so tired and sad, for her. I feel such intense, overwhelming sadness. Sadness at all her losses, at the pain that is so deep in a little 7 year old girl that in a moment of self doubt she slips into a profound place of self hatred.