Today we received two incredible honors from Adoptive Families Magazine... first, they chose a photograph of Kajal to be in their March/April issue's family album ( www.adoptivefamilies.com/ ) and second, they selected and quoted this blog in their 'favorite adoption blogs'. What a huge honor, I love the magazine and have been reading it religiously since well before I brought Kajal home. Thank you Adoptive Families! It's so strange... I never thought about the fact that when you adopt a child you often don't have baby pictures. I didn't expect any or even hope for any but looking at the picture of Kajal in the magazine, taken when she was 5 going on 6 but the size of a 3 year old... just weeks after bringing her home. This, this was my baby picture. She looks so tiny.... her arms so thin, her body so small. She had almost no hair (the orphanage had shaved her head)... it was just over a year ago but I cry when I look at the picture. Cry with joy and love, because to me...these were our first moments. Mother and child. Our first hours and days together. These were 'our' baby pictures.

She's been home now 15 months. She's grown almost 7 inches in that time. 7 inches! She is healthy and has the most breathtaking curly black hair, her skin radiates with good health, she actually has muscles... she had no muscle tone at all when she came home. She spent many of her days sitting silently. I can't imagine her silent for more than five minutes .  Most importantly, she is happy. Last night was the third night she has fallen asleep in her own bed and slept peacefully through the night. 3 nights in her own bed... this is huge! She is so full of love and light.

I teach a childrens education program in Church called Godly Play. It's a Montessori based Christian program that the Church introduced shortly after Kajal came home. It's visual and creative and they felt it was something she would be able to adapt to more than a traditional childrens religious curriculum. I offered to learn to teach to be closer to her, but also to learn myself... I never really knew the bible all that well and thought I could stand to learn right along side her. We were doing an Easter lesson and no one else showed up, it was just Kajal and I. I thought, why not.. .just the two of us, I taught the lesson and she sat and listened. At the end of the lesson she grabbed her art supplies and drew a picture of Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. Then above it she wrote... Dear God, thank you for the world and don't forget... I love you. Kajal. She get's it. My little one really get's it.... she has a heart full of gratitude and a spirit open to learning.

Every day I find myself more and more amazed at Kajal's depth of compassion and love, sensitivity and grace. I read the books, the articles and took the classes that were offered on older child adoption. I heard the warnings about attachment disorders and all the other potential pitfalls and special needs of a child adopted out of an institution. It hasn't been easy, she's had her tantrums, her nightmares and sleepless nights but it's only been 15 months and I am constantly finding myself in awe of Kajal's creativity, kindness and generosity of spirit. She loves unconditionally and I feel incredibly blessed to be on the receiving end of that love. To her, everything is exciting, everything is new.

It's still hard for her to wind down at night. It's a process for about an hour leading up to bed, we play games together (trouble, blink, matching cards, jenga) we love game time. It gives us a chance to just sit, the two of us... no phones, no computers or tv. Just us, playing, together. It's so simple but I think it's really helped us continue to develop our bond. She gets so worked up, if she thinks she's losing she'll practically freak out... I have to constantly remind her it's not about winning but about playing and having fun together. At the end of practically every game she'll reach out her hand to me very seriouslly, shake it and say 'good game, mom, thank you'. So polite and serious. Then of course, it's books in bed...reading time.

She's actually beginning to read. I never knew something so simple could be so exciting! She sounds out the words phonetically then speaks them, one after another. It incredible. She struggles and is so hard on herself if she doesn't get it right away. Sometimes, she pretends and just follows the picture... I try not to correct her because I know she needs to the confidence to feel good about herself.

The last few weeks have been difficult for me work wise. I've been under alot of pressure and there has been enormous stress. I manage a team of 24 people and had to make calls to 12 of them to let them know their positions had been eliminated. I've found myself worrying about my own job and financial security. I have one last legal bill from the adoption hanging over my head and it seems like I'm always just scraping by, more so lately. My resources were depleted in the course of the adoption and recently I received news that I most likely wont receive the bonuses that are a part of my salary. Stress is definitely keeping me awake at night.

I'm the woman who loved tea at the Ritz or the 4 Seasons. Before Kajal came home, pedicures had become a regular splurge, my way of relaxing at the end of the week. Gourmet food, dinners out.  Now, it's all about her... when I do shop, I never think of myself, it's all about what she needs. Which of course, is exactly the way it should be. A week or so ago while purchasing some moisturizer for her own, endlessly dry skin, I treated myself to the perfect shade of pink lipstick. A small thing, but a treat none the less. Between juggling 'which bill do I pay today and which can I hold off on' a lipstick for me was just that, a treat. Considering though I don't even remember the last time I wore make up and I'm running around with quite a bit of extra weight on that I need to shed and hair that often is just thrown up in a crazy pony tail... I'm not really sure why I bothered...

That night Kajal got her hands on it and lets just say, it didn't survive the evening. I had just opened three more unpaid bills, was worried about my job and that little lipstick tossed me right over the edge. I snapped at her, Kajal, Mommy always treats you to special things... I bought one thing for myself and asked you to leave it alone and, well, you know, I rattled on. It wasn't about the lipstick, it was about the stress I was under.

Kajal looked so sad, she apologized and I did too. I told her I was proud of her for being honest with me and showing me what she'd done. I shouldn't have been upset... it was such a nothing thing in the scheme of things.

A week later Kajal woke me up shaking her piggy bank in front of my face. Look Mommy, look at my piggy. He's full.

That's great, Kajal, would you like to open him and count up what you have. You could get something special.

Oh, no, Mommy, she said. I want you to have my piggy... to get yourself a new lipstick.

Oh, my, goodness. I felt about 2 inches tall. She had clearly been thinking about this and had come to a solution she could feel good about. I let her know that I loved her for being so generous but I wanted her to keep her piggy for herself. That was a week ago, she refuses to take the piggy bank back to her room.

One day last week, I was having a particularly stressful work day, the pressure intense from morning until night. I took a break and opened what I call my 'love box'. It's a box I've filled with little notes and pictures that Kajal has drawn for me. It's my way of taking a moment to remember what's most important. Sitting on top of the pile of drawings and valentines I found a new note that Kajal had made for me. She had put it there to surprise me.


1) mon (morning)
2) my mom is a gum mom (I had put some trident sugarless gum in her backpack which she totally goes nuts for)
4) BS (best )


Wow... at the end of the day, nothing really matters, except her


Night number 1, sleeping peacefully in her bed

Learning to ice skate!

Dressing up as Hannah Montana

The snow was too soft to build a snowman but she wouldn't give up, after about 2 hours she had a head sitting on a neck and decorated it with glee!

At Disney on Ice, with her new Tinkerbell