I've read the articles, talked with the doctors and the social workers but still, I was caught off guard by the extreme emotional rollercoaster caused by 'transition'. We've been on school break since the big snow storm before Christmas and Kajal is headed back to school tomorrow. The last week has been a roller coaster of good minutes... even good hours, then rough ones. Really rough. We'll be having the best day then all of a sudden, something sets her off. She'll go from being incredibly happy and stress free to screaming at me that she hates me. From there, tears, fighting me, while desperately clinging to me at the same time.Pushing and holding on, back and forth.... the hardest thing to see is that she quickly declines from hating me, to hating herself. To see a six year old, holding her head rocking back and forth, crying that she's stupid is heart breaking. And where did this come from all of a sudden? The self punishment, self hatred has been there from the beginning. She's always been highly insecure which is so understandable considering her history. But this calling herself stupid, even saying she believes that I believe that... where did that come from? After several days of this surfacing in bits and pieces Kajal opened up and admitted that children in her school have been mean to her lately, and calling her stupid. She has begun to believe them.

It doesn't help that the times I've tried to discipline her or set boundries for appropriate behavior, she'll immediately assume that she is 'no good' or 'worthless' for some small slight.

There was this one evening... she was really giving me a hard time over normal stuff. She cried she was hungry and I rushed dinner, had it on the table for her but she wanted to eat in front of the television... Hannah Montanta of course. We don't do dinner infront of the tv... I insisted she stay with me in the kitchen and that progressed to her saying some pretty rude things to me and acting out towards me with rolling of the eyes and sticking her toung out. I'd pretty much had enough and lost my temper. I snapped at her, grabbed her and forced her into her seat.... it wasn't pretty.  She put her head in her hands and started to eat. Looking up at me her eyes welled with tears and she said... I'm just a little girl, Mommy, I made a mistake, I don't always know what to do, I'm just a little girl. With that, the tears came followed by the hopeless sobs.

She was right, she is just a little girl and I shouldn't have lost my temper over that kind of behavior. I should have ignored it and just been firm. 

I find myself wondering about what kind of mother I am, what kind of mother I thought I'd be. I wonder if by losing my patience at times I'm sending a message or giving out some kind of vibe that makes her feel 'less than'. She's already been abandoned by one mother, of course she worries about being abandoned by me... that's real to her. When I lose my temper I see the fear in her eyes.

I've  been praying a lot lately, asking... no begging, for guidence. Wanting desperately to be a better mother, to have the right answers, the right reactions to help her feel safe, to help her feel good about herself.

I found this great childrens book... "I like Myself" by Karen Beaumont. I love it... it's all about  a little girl (who happens to have beautiful brown skin and curly curly hair, just like my little one) and she talks about how much she likes herself, inside and out ... no matter what the rest of the world thinks. A counselor I'm working with suggested that when I see Kajal start to drift away from herself, or start to escalate to chose a book and just start reading it. I've started doing it with this book the last few days... there Kajal is screaming and crying, ranting and raving and I'm reading outloud 'I like myself' humming along, making funny voices etc. I didn't think it was working or getting through but tonight when I was tucking her in I pulled the book out and asked Kajal to try to read it. She can't read the words yet but she remembered enough to make them up as she went along...

I like myself all the time, inside too. She said. Oh, how it were true.