beautiful brown skin
My 46th birthday dawned, the sun was barely up and I awoke to a whispery voice singing mumbled words to the tune of the birthday song..."habby bdey do you, habby bdey do you, habby hmmm hmmm my mommy, habby bedeee do uuuuu. Mommy, are you habby?" Little arms wrapped around me as she nuzzled against my back, whispering the song again in her beautiful voice.. .bringing me awake into my special day. This moment, was the greatest birthday gift of my life. I turned sleepily to face her... yes, baby, I am happy... you make me happy. We giggled together and started a wonderful day.
These are the moments that make up our life and keep me sane in the more challenging ones. Nights are still rough 90% of the time, a cycle of her fighting to stay awake at all costs, fighting against giving in to unconscious vulnerabillity... she uses everything in in her arsenal to stay awake... often leading to anger directed at me until she falls asleep in pure exhaustion, tear marks often trailing her beautiful cheeks. Then, we have moments like my birthday morning.
The other night we had a rain storm, we've been having those a lot lately. I've been trying to explain lightening and thunder, I never knew it could be so hard. She's gaining a lot of language, so these things are getting easier but still... I tried the old 'the clouds fill with water until they can't hold it any more then they let it all go and it comes down as rain, they bump into each other and that makes thunder, there is a lot of energy in the clouds and they make the lightening, the words just didn't quite come out right. I tried, the angels had a hard day and were crying but that didn't feel right... I was tired, I was all over the place. No wonder she looked at me like I had two heads. Finally she stopped me and smiled, no worry mommy, I know what makes the thunder. You do? Yes, mommy, Gods having fun, he's playing the drums!" Wow, I didn't even know she knew what drums were.
Last night, Kajal pointed to my skin. Pretty skin mommy she said. I like your skin, you like your skin. You don't like my skin.
Huh?
I was stunned. Kajal, baby... why do you think that? I love your skin! Your beautiful brown skin.
No mommy, my skin ugly.
Why do you think that?
I don't like my skin... she said, I want your skin.
Oh my goodness. "I love your skin, it's the most beautiful brown, gold, rosy beautiful skin in the whole wide world!" My mind raced "I like it so much that I have a song about it and even before you came home to me I dance to the song... do you want to hear it" A song? For my skin? Sure Mommy.... Thank goodness for my ipod, I ran to it and rolled through until I found what I was looking for, one of my favorite artists... Indie.Ari. I found the song I was looking for 'Brown Skin' and cranked it up through the apartment. Singing and dancing around the room, I dragged my finger along her beautiful arms and rosy brown cheeks and sang at the top of my lungs 'Brown Skin, I love your Brown skin... sun kissed, honey touched, Brown skin!" Of course I don't know the words by heart and not all are appropriate for little ears but the gist of the song made it's point. After we sang aloud for a while about 'her beautiful brown skin' I turned down the song and explained once again to Kajal... 'your skin is brown because of melanin... you have a lot of it in your skin to protect you from the hot sun because in India... oh boy, the sun is reallly hot. My skin isn't strong enough for hot sun, it burns.. but you have really, really strong skin, super strong skin. It can protect you in so many ways! This makes you strong and oh soooooo beautiful. Stregnth is beautiful!" She laughed and we laughed together. My mind drifted though, to one of my first days home with her when she found my baby powder and got so excited that she grabbed it and poured it into her hands... Look Mommy! And she proceeded to cover her whole face with it then smiled up at me with her powdered covered nose and cheeks, Me pretty! It broke my heart that she felt she needed to cover her breathtaking natural beauty with white powder to be beautiful.
Recently a local nanny was walking her charge down the street (the little girl was adopted from China and her Nanny was also of Chinese origin, she helped keep the little girls language and culture alive) She stopped in front of Kajal and I and started making swinging movements with her arms pointing dramatically to Kajals arms and face... "She so dark! what are you doing letting her get darker!" This woman I hardly know was commenting on my daughters tan in a negative way, had the nerve that she was 'too dark' I wanted to rip her apart... literally. I just snapped at her, my daughter is beautiful and turned my back as if to get my point across... *&(^ go away! What is wrong with people!
Kajal has had it too hard... she still asks every day, Mommy, you leave me? I went to the movies last week and I have to admit... my heart was tugging at me the whole time. I couldn't stop wondering about her, I knew she was safe with my mom but still.. it was hard. Before I left, I explained that I'd be back in a few hours, before her bedtime. My mother told her when the clock hit 7 I'd be home. Kajal just looked at me and asked if I would be coming back. not when, but if. I reasured her and went on my way. My mother told me that night that when 7 came (I walked in at 7:20) Kajal just got up on the couch, looked out the window into the street and started calling softly... Mommy, mommy and she kissed the window as she called my name.
Next week I have to go out of town on my first business trip. Only one night, thank God, Mom will be with her for this first separation... I could barely go to the movies, I'm not at all sure how to prepare her for this. I'm telling her about it now, mention it casually every other day and tell her that it's only one night and she's going to have so much fun with Grandma. She just looks at me at least once a day and asks, are you leaving me mommy? And then again at some point, will you come back, she asks... over and over again.
I know time will tell, will show her that yes, I'll always come back. But how on earth am I going to leave in the first place...
These are the moments that make up our life and keep me sane in the more challenging ones. Nights are still rough 90% of the time, a cycle of her fighting to stay awake at all costs, fighting against giving in to unconscious vulnerabillity... she uses everything in in her arsenal to stay awake... often leading to anger directed at me until she falls asleep in pure exhaustion, tear marks often trailing her beautiful cheeks. Then, we have moments like my birthday morning.
The other night we had a rain storm, we've been having those a lot lately. I've been trying to explain lightening and thunder, I never knew it could be so hard. She's gaining a lot of language, so these things are getting easier but still... I tried the old 'the clouds fill with water until they can't hold it any more then they let it all go and it comes down as rain, they bump into each other and that makes thunder, there is a lot of energy in the clouds and they make the lightening, the words just didn't quite come out right. I tried, the angels had a hard day and were crying but that didn't feel right... I was tired, I was all over the place. No wonder she looked at me like I had two heads. Finally she stopped me and smiled, no worry mommy, I know what makes the thunder. You do? Yes, mommy, Gods having fun, he's playing the drums!" Wow, I didn't even know she knew what drums were.
Last night, Kajal pointed to my skin. Pretty skin mommy she said. I like your skin, you like your skin. You don't like my skin.
Huh?
I was stunned. Kajal, baby... why do you think that? I love your skin! Your beautiful brown skin.
No mommy, my skin ugly.
Why do you think that?
I don't like my skin... she said, I want your skin.
Oh my goodness. "I love your skin, it's the most beautiful brown, gold, rosy beautiful skin in the whole wide world!" My mind raced "I like it so much that I have a song about it and even before you came home to me I dance to the song... do you want to hear it" A song? For my skin? Sure Mommy.... Thank goodness for my ipod, I ran to it and rolled through until I found what I was looking for, one of my favorite artists... Indie.Ari. I found the song I was looking for 'Brown Skin' and cranked it up through the apartment. Singing and dancing around the room, I dragged my finger along her beautiful arms and rosy brown cheeks and sang at the top of my lungs 'Brown Skin, I love your Brown skin... sun kissed, honey touched, Brown skin!" Of course I don't know the words by heart and not all are appropriate for little ears but the gist of the song made it's point. After we sang aloud for a while about 'her beautiful brown skin' I turned down the song and explained once again to Kajal... 'your skin is brown because of melanin... you have a lot of it in your skin to protect you from the hot sun because in India... oh boy, the sun is reallly hot. My skin isn't strong enough for hot sun, it burns.. but you have really, really strong skin, super strong skin. It can protect you in so many ways! This makes you strong and oh soooooo beautiful. Stregnth is beautiful!" She laughed and we laughed together. My mind drifted though, to one of my first days home with her when she found my baby powder and got so excited that she grabbed it and poured it into her hands... Look Mommy! And she proceeded to cover her whole face with it then smiled up at me with her powdered covered nose and cheeks, Me pretty! It broke my heart that she felt she needed to cover her breathtaking natural beauty with white powder to be beautiful.
Recently a local nanny was walking her charge down the street (the little girl was adopted from China and her Nanny was also of Chinese origin, she helped keep the little girls language and culture alive) She stopped in front of Kajal and I and started making swinging movements with her arms pointing dramatically to Kajals arms and face... "She so dark! what are you doing letting her get darker!" This woman I hardly know was commenting on my daughters tan in a negative way, had the nerve that she was 'too dark' I wanted to rip her apart... literally. I just snapped at her, my daughter is beautiful and turned my back as if to get my point across... *&(^ go away! What is wrong with people!
Kajal has had it too hard... she still asks every day, Mommy, you leave me? I went to the movies last week and I have to admit... my heart was tugging at me the whole time. I couldn't stop wondering about her, I knew she was safe with my mom but still.. it was hard. Before I left, I explained that I'd be back in a few hours, before her bedtime. My mother told her when the clock hit 7 I'd be home. Kajal just looked at me and asked if I would be coming back. not when, but if. I reasured her and went on my way. My mother told me that night that when 7 came (I walked in at 7:20) Kajal just got up on the couch, looked out the window into the street and started calling softly... Mommy, mommy and she kissed the window as she called my name.
Next week I have to go out of town on my first business trip. Only one night, thank God, Mom will be with her for this first separation... I could barely go to the movies, I'm not at all sure how to prepare her for this. I'm telling her about it now, mention it casually every other day and tell her that it's only one night and she's going to have so much fun with Grandma. She just looks at me at least once a day and asks, are you leaving me mommy? And then again at some point, will you come back, she asks... over and over again.
I know time will tell, will show her that yes, I'll always come back. But how on earth am I going to leave in the first place...
Hi Lisa,
I chanced upon your blog while I was searching for something online. And I was really overwhelmed with emotion after reading it. Kajal is a really beautiful girl and I commend you for what you are doing. Hope you two have a great life together!
Deepu
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Lisa,
I see no updates for a while now. You're a very good writer with a life story worth telling; keep up the postings and some day you'll have a great book. I recall that my mom, with 4 kids in 5 1/2 years, wrote notes and stories just to keep her sanity. You can do that and more. I hope you're doing well, keep up the good works.
Bill
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You make it so deep and characterize it correctly Lisa. I love anything written by you.
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What a touching story. It's so hard to see how kids are treated in certain parts of the world. I'm impressed by your courage in taking on a task like this, it's so generous. Yes one day she will learn that mommy always comes back, and I hope she gets rid of that insecurity sooner than later. But reading this post, I know she will. You are just so full of love.
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