Motherhood... the things they never tell you
When I dreamed of being a mom, I dreamed of Christmas Tree's and Easter Egg hunts, lullabies and stories at bedtimes. Gigglefests and bake sales. I didn't realize I'd be too exhausted to read the directions on any recipe never mind individually wrap the perfect cupcakes for the camp bake sale. I definitely didn't dream about the dirty looks, tantrums, disrespect and power plays. Don't get me wrong, I love Kajal with all my heart but boy, let me tell you... we've had more than a few tough moments lately.
We've had a great 24 hours.. perfect morning full of kindness, silliness and laughter. She had a great day at camp and I had a long day at work... everything was going along great. Then, one too many times she asked for something, then threw it away. First there were the new Dora shoes she kicked across the apartment, (one has disappeared from all sight) then there were the popsicles she'd try, not like, throw away and look for another, the bandaids... she'd ask for to cover a boo-boo then throw away when she didn't like the way it felt on her skin... the bathing suit she tossed aside then said 'oh well' when she couldn't find the top, basically, small things but lately I've noticed that she throws things away very easily with no regard to where the replacement will come from. My answer, let's read a book tonight about protecting nature and the environment. There's me thinking, here's a cute book about the environment written for kids, maybe she'll realize that everything we use is made of something and by throwing it away casually, we're causing needless waste... okay maybe I was reaching but what's one little book at bedtime? Usually, Kajal gets to choose 2-4 books to read at nighttime, depending on the time and length of book. Tonight, she picked 4 Diego books and there I am with my little book on nature.
No, Mommy, I don't like that book, I only want Diego books. Kajal, I said, you picked 4 books and I'm happy to read all of them but I picked one, and we read the one then the four you chose or we don't read any. Your choice. I started to read the 'nature' book and she covered the pages so I couldn't see the words. Okay, I said, that's very sad you won't let Mommy read this. Perhaps we shouldn't read any books tonight, that's very sad, but we should just go to sleep.
Mommy's mean! Mommy makes me sad! I'm going to bite Mommy! You are mean! You make me sad! I'm going back to India! I don't like you, you are mean Mommy!
I'm sorry you feel that way, Kajal. Mommy loves you and Mommy is going to love you forever. I like you too, and I'm going to like you forever, No matter what you say to me.
I don't like you Mommy, I don't love you and I wont love you. I'm going to be gone, I'm going to find a Mommy who isn't mean to me!
I just looked at her, thinking this is nuts... she is basically telling me I'm the worst thing in the world because I chose one simple book to read.
Kajal, it's Mommy's job to teach you things, to protect you and guide you, to help you grow. Sometimes that mean I pick a book to read that you don't choose. That's just the way it is.
I don't like you Mommy! She cried, she glared at me, she refused to lie down to go to sleep, she kicked me.
I left the room to help me keep my cool but stayed right next door in the kitchen where I knew she could hear me puttering around. She screamed Mama! over and over and I'd go in the room and she'd just glare at me. Finally she patted the bed next to her and motioned to me to come lie down next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and whispered that I would lover her no matter what, forever and she wasn't going back to India. She could get mad and that wouldn't change anything... I was still her Mommy. She looked at me and pointed to my clothes... put on your jama's mom. The last thing I wanted was to change into my pajama's, I still hard lunch to make for her, garbage to take outside but I realized, as mad as she'd been with me seeing me in clothes meant one thing to her... that I could leave during the night and not come back. Wearing pajama's seems to help her feel more secure, that I'm there for the night, at least. I got up and put on my pajama's, climbed back into bed to hold her and watched her fall slowly asleep.
Oh my goodness, she's only 6 years old... what's going to happen when she turns 16.
A few nights ago... Kajal was already almost an hour past her bedtime by the time I actually got her into the room. One thing led to another and there we were, 9 PM climbing into bed. As she curled up in my arms she suddenly sat up and looked at the white bedspread, Mommy... I don't want this (pointing to the spread) I want the other one, pointing to a floral duvet across the room. No, Kajal, lie down, you don't need the other blanket this one is fine. She kicked her legs over the bedspread and glared at me, clearly not going to sleep with 'this' bedspread. Fine! I'm thinking, just go to sleep. I get out of bed, pick up the other bedspread and shake it out over the bed, fluff it up and climb back in. She sits up, looks at me, looks at the bed and says, No, Mommy! I don't want this one at all, pointing at the white one... only the flower one! You've got to be kidding me I think. I'm too tired to fight, it doesn't seem worth it but enough is enough. No, Kajal, I am not getting up and stripping the bed and remaking it for you. She sits up, climbs on top of the covers once again and wide awake glares at me, clearly, not going to sleep. Exhausted and grumpy now I snapped...
Okay... fine... I stand up and rip the flowered spread off the bed, rip the white one off and say, then you can help make the bed if you want it this way so bad! I was so mad I threw the flowed duvet back on the bed, right over her head. There she sat in the middle of the bed, under the flowered spread. So stunned, she didn't move, just sat there under the covers. Now, here is a little girl afraid of the dark but I was shaking mad and instead of pulling the covers off of her I just stood there. I glared up at the ceiling and in my head I screamed silently "God, I suck as a mother! I suck! I suck! I suck!, I can't do this!!!!!!" This was probably the fifth time this week I screamed silently this little new prayer of mine.
How many days this week have I asked her to do something and she completely ignores me... whether it's hold my hand when we cross the street, or throw food on the floor (and she looked me right in the face as she did it again) I dreamed of lullabies... not realizing that I sing off key and when I try she usually shushes me into silence. I wasn't quite prepared for all the challenges, the complete disrespect and disregard.
She's the cutest, sweetest, funniest and most loving little girl... most of the time. But boy, some moments, I wonder if I'm doing this all wrong... if I'm ruining her somehow, loving her too much, giving her too much. Am I too strict, or not strict enough... thank God for my Mom, just when I start feeling incredibly guilty for raising my voice or losing my patience... I start to slip into a mind set of sadness or hopelessness my mother reminds me that it's going to be okay. That we'll make it through and next time, next time I'll handle it better.
We've had a great 24 hours.. perfect morning full of kindness, silliness and laughter. She had a great day at camp and I had a long day at work... everything was going along great. Then, one too many times she asked for something, then threw it away. First there were the new Dora shoes she kicked across the apartment, (one has disappeared from all sight) then there were the popsicles she'd try, not like, throw away and look for another, the bandaids... she'd ask for to cover a boo-boo then throw away when she didn't like the way it felt on her skin... the bathing suit she tossed aside then said 'oh well' when she couldn't find the top, basically, small things but lately I've noticed that she throws things away very easily with no regard to where the replacement will come from. My answer, let's read a book tonight about protecting nature and the environment. There's me thinking, here's a cute book about the environment written for kids, maybe she'll realize that everything we use is made of something and by throwing it away casually, we're causing needless waste... okay maybe I was reaching but what's one little book at bedtime? Usually, Kajal gets to choose 2-4 books to read at nighttime, depending on the time and length of book. Tonight, she picked 4 Diego books and there I am with my little book on nature.
No, Mommy, I don't like that book, I only want Diego books. Kajal, I said, you picked 4 books and I'm happy to read all of them but I picked one, and we read the one then the four you chose or we don't read any. Your choice. I started to read the 'nature' book and she covered the pages so I couldn't see the words. Okay, I said, that's very sad you won't let Mommy read this. Perhaps we shouldn't read any books tonight, that's very sad, but we should just go to sleep.
Mommy's mean! Mommy makes me sad! I'm going to bite Mommy! You are mean! You make me sad! I'm going back to India! I don't like you, you are mean Mommy!
I'm sorry you feel that way, Kajal. Mommy loves you and Mommy is going to love you forever. I like you too, and I'm going to like you forever, No matter what you say to me.
I don't like you Mommy, I don't love you and I wont love you. I'm going to be gone, I'm going to find a Mommy who isn't mean to me!
I just looked at her, thinking this is nuts... she is basically telling me I'm the worst thing in the world because I chose one simple book to read.
Kajal, it's Mommy's job to teach you things, to protect you and guide you, to help you grow. Sometimes that mean I pick a book to read that you don't choose. That's just the way it is.
I don't like you Mommy! She cried, she glared at me, she refused to lie down to go to sleep, she kicked me.
I left the room to help me keep my cool but stayed right next door in the kitchen where I knew she could hear me puttering around. She screamed Mama! over and over and I'd go in the room and she'd just glare at me. Finally she patted the bed next to her and motioned to me to come lie down next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and whispered that I would lover her no matter what, forever and she wasn't going back to India. She could get mad and that wouldn't change anything... I was still her Mommy. She looked at me and pointed to my clothes... put on your jama's mom. The last thing I wanted was to change into my pajama's, I still hard lunch to make for her, garbage to take outside but I realized, as mad as she'd been with me seeing me in clothes meant one thing to her... that I could leave during the night and not come back. Wearing pajama's seems to help her feel more secure, that I'm there for the night, at least. I got up and put on my pajama's, climbed back into bed to hold her and watched her fall slowly asleep.
Oh my goodness, she's only 6 years old... what's going to happen when she turns 16.
A few nights ago... Kajal was already almost an hour past her bedtime by the time I actually got her into the room. One thing led to another and there we were, 9 PM climbing into bed. As she curled up in my arms she suddenly sat up and looked at the white bedspread, Mommy... I don't want this (pointing to the spread) I want the other one, pointing to a floral duvet across the room. No, Kajal, lie down, you don't need the other blanket this one is fine. She kicked her legs over the bedspread and glared at me, clearly not going to sleep with 'this' bedspread. Fine! I'm thinking, just go to sleep. I get out of bed, pick up the other bedspread and shake it out over the bed, fluff it up and climb back in. She sits up, looks at me, looks at the bed and says, No, Mommy! I don't want this one at all, pointing at the white one... only the flower one! You've got to be kidding me I think. I'm too tired to fight, it doesn't seem worth it but enough is enough. No, Kajal, I am not getting up and stripping the bed and remaking it for you. She sits up, climbs on top of the covers once again and wide awake glares at me, clearly, not going to sleep. Exhausted and grumpy now I snapped...
Okay... fine... I stand up and rip the flowered spread off the bed, rip the white one off and say, then you can help make the bed if you want it this way so bad! I was so mad I threw the flowed duvet back on the bed, right over her head. There she sat in the middle of the bed, under the flowered spread. So stunned, she didn't move, just sat there under the covers. Now, here is a little girl afraid of the dark but I was shaking mad and instead of pulling the covers off of her I just stood there. I glared up at the ceiling and in my head I screamed silently "God, I suck as a mother! I suck! I suck! I suck!, I can't do this!!!!!!" This was probably the fifth time this week I screamed silently this little new prayer of mine.
How many days this week have I asked her to do something and she completely ignores me... whether it's hold my hand when we cross the street, or throw food on the floor (and she looked me right in the face as she did it again) I dreamed of lullabies... not realizing that I sing off key and when I try she usually shushes me into silence. I wasn't quite prepared for all the challenges, the complete disrespect and disregard.
She's the cutest, sweetest, funniest and most loving little girl... most of the time. But boy, some moments, I wonder if I'm doing this all wrong... if I'm ruining her somehow, loving her too much, giving her too much. Am I too strict, or not strict enough... thank God for my Mom, just when I start feeling incredibly guilty for raising my voice or losing my patience... I start to slip into a mind set of sadness or hopelessness my mother reminds me that it's going to be okay. That we'll make it through and next time, next time I'll handle it better.
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