Since Kajal came home her little body has fought parasites, viruses, malnutrition and the countless after effects of neglect. She's had a cold and allergies, her little nose has run non stop since she first arrived home with maybe a day break here or there but the one thing she hasn't had is a fever. With all the germs, colds and flu's that circulate at school and camp. I'll admit this has worried me, as silly as that sounds... because I know that a fever is the way the body shows us it's fighting infection. I worried that her body doesn't know how to fight off infection, that her immune system isn't working the way that it should. I know I should focus on all that she's survived, but what can I say... I'm a new mom and I worry.

I swear, I will never complain about having her legs kicking me at night or the way her little body manages to sprawl over the entire bed all night long leaving me night after night hanging on the edges of the bed trying not to fall off as she kicks and swings and grabs me in the night. I will never wonder when she'll be ready to climb into her own rose covered bed, after last night. About 4 in the morning I woke up to the sound of her labored breathing. She was struggling for breath and my heart about stopped. I jumped up and pulled her up into my arms, patting her back and shifting her into a different position to help her gain her steady breathing again. She was coughing and her skin to my touch radiated such heat! She was so hot! Of course I immediately wanted to call my mother but realized it was the middle of the night I ran for the thermometer and ran it across her little head (I had an old fashioned digital one but the last few times I used that I was calling the doctor with questions about how low her temperature was, they told me at the time if she was what I was telling them she'd be dead... of course at the time I didn't realize that the thermometer went under the tongue not over it which resulted in really low temps.. hence my new state of the art one that you rub across the forehead) 99.7... that seemed high to me, how high is too high, or not high enough to be worried? Her skin was hot to the touch, she was shaking and in what seemed like a lot of distress... I gave her some Motrin and children's dimetapp for the cold symptons then 30 minutes later took her temp and it was 100.7! Okay, I know that sounds low but holding this little hot, shaking child in my arms I was half worried, half relieved that her body was showing me it could fight! Yea Temp! Kick those buggers out of her, kick those bad flu cells or whatever they are to the curb! Poor baby, back and forth I went... do I wrap her in blankets or strip the bed of all but sheets? I grabbed a book my mother had given me on childhood symptoms and what to do and read like a mad woman. She curled up, awake and frightened in my arms.

Mommy, I'm scared. She said. Why honey, what are you afraid of? I'm scared that you are going to leave me.

Here she was, shaking with her little fever, clearly  hurting all over, coughing and struggling to keep her breath and instead of feeling safe in her mothers arms her fears of being left surfaced. At her most vulnerable she bravely voiced her greatest, very real, fear. I held her tight as I wiped her brow and kissed her... I will never leave you. Why? She asked. Why will you stay? Because I tell her, you are everything to me. You are God's greatest gift, I love you, I believe in you and everything about you is wonderful. I list for her everything I can think of in the moment that makes her, her. That makes her so special. I remind her that I am her forever Mommy and that really means forever. I wrap her in her pink magic blanket that my neighbors mother made for her by hand long before she came home and I reminded her how much she was loved and that she was never going to be alone again. She fell asleep holding my hand.

Tonight, once again she had a fever. She asked me to bring her yellow bear to her. This was the first time she requested a stuffed animal. It was an interesting choice, this bear was the first stuffed animal I got for her, long before she came home to me. It's a large super soft, floppy bear. What's her name I asked her. LaLa, she said as she gazed into her eyes. She wrapped one arm around me and the other around LaLa and fell asleep, wrapped in her pink magic blanket once again.

Kajal had never had toys or stuffed animals. The first time I showed her one she just stared at it, like, what do I do with that? Ever since she's played the musical ones, but never really connected with them. Tonight she allowed not only her Mom but her bear, newly christened LaLa, to give her comfort.

One more step forward... every day, she grows... she allows herself to comfort and be comforted. Perhaps she grows one step closer to knowing that this time, her family is forever.