This morning, Kajal woke up, as usual about an hour or so before I was ready to wake up. She lay in bed and fired questions at me, what are we going to do today, Mommy? Are we going to play park? Are we going to kitty pool? Please honey, I beg, it's quiet time... Mommy needs to sleep. Ask me at 8 AM. A few minutes of silence then the questions start again. Some mornings I'm more patient than others. Some, in my exhaustion I end up pleading with her to play with her crayons or jump on the computer.... others I snap in frustration. This morning, thank God... when she asked me .. Mommy, can I ask you another question... I didn't for some reason beg her to hold off until later. I just said, yes honey... what would you like to ask. And she asked, Mommy, are you going to run away from me?

That woke me up, immediately. Clear headed I truned to her and put my hands on her face and told her, I am never going to run away from you. I am always going to love you, I am always going to take care of you. Are you sure Mommy? Yes, Kajal, one thing I know for sure is I'm never going to run away. Kajal, why are you asking me this? I saw the doubt in her eyes... I asked her if that's what she felt happened in India but she shook her head, she just knew that this fear was very real to her... maybe that's what she does remember and wont talk about, of her first, Indian Mother. Maybe she doesn't remember anything consciously but her unconscious remembers the loss... the fear is so palpable in her. Mommy, I listen to you today okay? She said, I be good, I make you happy? Yes, Kajal... you make me happier than anyone or anything in the world.

We had a beautiful day... but the sad part was that I could tell how hard she was trying, too hard, like the fear was always right there on the edge of her thinking. We saw her friend Manisha and yes, went to the Kitty pool.. or miss kitty pool as she likes to call it. We took a long walk and met up with friends. After she said to me, Mommy thank you for sharing your friends with me. I tried to explain that all my friends were her friends, that everyone in my life already loved her, even before they met her. Some times, when Kajal is hungry, she makes this little motion with her hands. she holds her fingers and thumbs together in a feeding motion as if she is feeding herself food. Instead of saying, Mommy, I'm hungry... which she often does as well, she will silently look up at me and make that hand motion. Some might say it's simple sign language... but I know it's more than that. I saw the thousands of street children in India making that same exact motion as they begged for food from strangers on the street. It reminds me of her hungry days...

A few weeks ago I got Kajal her first bike. A dora bike, of course. She didn't even miss a beat. We'd made a big deal out of it... all day I'd told her that I had a big surprise for her. Our neighbors and friends, Brian, Holly and Brian Jr joined my mother and I for a pizza party in the park. Brian Senior put the bike together for us, Thank God... when I saw the box and realized how many pieces the bike was in I pretty much panicked at the idea of putting it together myself. Kajal saw the bike and without missing a beat jumped on and tried to ride. The training wheels helped but boy... how could I forget how really, incredibly hard it is to ride a bike????!!! Getting the motion down of the peddles... There she was in a helmet, knee and elbow pads... gloves, the works. She tried and she tried, she fell over and over again. She screamed and she kicked, shouting in pure agony and frustration. She yelled for me to help her and she yelled at me to stay away. She was so serious and so determined. She wouldn't quit. As each hour rolled past she continued to work the peddles, backwards locking them in place then trying to force them forwards. The ground was uneven which didn't help and she fell, and fell again. She cried and shouted so loud we all cringed. She hit the bike, she kicked it and at one point when I reached out to help her she literally snapped her teeth at me in a biting motion. I'd never seen such pain, frustration, longing and determination on anyone. I asked her if she wanted to call it a night, told her we could try again another day... that it took a while to learn how to ride a bike but she would glare at me and scream NO! Me can do it! Me can do it! Stay away! Help ME MOMMY! NO, MOMMY, GO AWAY I CAN DO IT WITHOUT YOU! Tears, bruises, cuts and scrapes and 3 hours later.. she rode the bike.

I saw my little survivor. I saw the determination that kept this precious little girl alive when she must have been half starved and fighting for her own survival in India. When she wanted something, she refused to quit... she refused to give up...

My mother's been feeling ill lately and I know I may need to take her to the hospital tomorrow. I talked to Kajal about it and mentioned that I may need to find a sitter, a friend to spend the day with her. I asked her if that would be okay. At first she said yes. Then she got really emotional, her eyes welled up with tears and she just stared at me. I could tell she wanted to say something but was struggling with the words. What honey I asked. Will you miss me Mommy? When me away from you, will you miss me? Oh, yes, I told her... I always miss you when we're not together. I put my hand over her heart then over mine and said, our hearts our connected and when we're not close... I miss you very much. She pursed her lips together so tightly and pointed her finger at me. The tears glazed over her eyes and her lips shook, she couldn't get the words out, she was feeling them so intensly. What baby, what do you need to tell me? She leaned in and hugged me incredibly tight and whispered in my ear so lightly I had to strain to hear her... I miss you mommy, when you not here, I miss you all the time. If you go, tomorrow, with Grandma, me will miss you. I could see the pain on her face... such incredibly deep pain. In those big beautiful black eyes of hers... I see this incredible pain... she's so young and she's lost so much, survived so much... she is so fragile, and so strong and my love keeps growing, stronger and stronger. I feel this animal crazy, wild need to protect her and make her happy. I wrap her in my arms and rock her back and forth, I tell her how much I love her and that I will never leave her for long.. I will always come home to her.

Then we read our special books, and play our tickle games and she laughs. Like most days, she skips and laughs and plays. Some days, she is just another child... a playful happy child... and then in these moments when I see the past, the pain, the fear...  I am reminded of just how special and precious and fragile... she truly is.
first time riding her bike...