I have to admit, I never knew how hard being a mom would be. I am exhausted 90% of the time. I look in the mirror and it seems like I've aged 10 years since bringing Kajal home. I think I brush my hair twice a week and makeup... what's makeup? From the moment she wakes up at 6:30 PM until she goes to sleep around 9/9:30 it seems like I'm on the go, cooking, cleaning, dressing, coloring... Thank God for my mother who is here to give me the occasional break, whether it's to walk the dog or run to the store or the occasional doctors appointment. Even on school days, by the time I've dropped her off at school I'm racing to start work and then barely get through the work day when I'm racing to pick her up and have dinner ready because she's always screaming for for food the moment I pick her up and it's never on the table fast enough. Being a single mom is harder than I ever imagined. Now, that being said, I love being Kajal's mom. Even when I'm tired and grumpy when she wants to play at 6:30 AM and I'm begging her to let me sleep just one more hour... I love being her mom. I wonder how I'll ever fit dating, never mind a relationship in to this new hectic lifestyle of single motherhood. After she's fallen asleep, in those quiet minutes before I too head to hit the pillow in those silent minutes I remember what it's like to be in love and be loved and I find myself missing that incredible feeling of partnership. I miss having someone to lean on and I wonder when that day will come again. Of course, I'd probably have a better shot at meeting someone if my hairbrush and I became better friends again. Or if I could dig out my mascara from whatever hole it fell into. Hmm... I used to feel so feminine and attractive, now I look like a shlump most of the time. A shlump with tired eyes and greying dark roots. Scary.

The other day I was sorting through a pile of mail, catelogs etc that had come in. My mom and Kajal were with me at the table as we talked about our day. I tossed aside a magazine for some lingerie company (after all, who needs lacy lingerie these days?). Kajal pointed to the picture on the cover and got all excited. Oh Mommy, look it's you! Hmmm.. I turned to see what she was so excited about. Mommy, it's you! And she pointed to the picture of the beautiful, slim, perfectly formed blonde model on the cover of the magazine. Mommy, you!!!! I looked up at my mother dumpfounded and then glanced at myself in the mirror (not a pretty picture). My mother smiled back at me...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, she said, and smiled. To Kajal, you are perfect.

Wow... to be seen through those beautiful black eyes.

She asked me today, Mommy, do I make you happy?

Oh yes, my little girl... you always make me happy