A few weeks back, Kajal had a huge breakthrough. One of the hardest things I've had to convince her of, is that when she does something wrong, acts badly or acts out... she is still totally lovable. If I get mad, she thinks I don't love her, that I'll leave her. That's when she seemed to go to the greatest place of sadness and shame. When I've let myself get mad or been short tempered (something I've worked hard to not let happen often, but of course, it does) I always hug her after I've taken a few breaths and counted to ten, and remind her that I love her and I always will. I tell her that even if I'm in a moment of 'mad' or frustrated with her behavior, even in those moments I love her... it never stops and the love never goes away, not even for a teeny weeny moment. A few weeks back, out of the blue she looked at me and said, Mom, even when I act bad and you get mad you still love me. She had this massive smile on her face. Somehow, in that quiet moment she had processed this critical fact... how beautiful that was! I was so excited, I hugged her and reassured her that she was right and then we laughed together in the joy of the moment.

Kajal is so happy now. 95% of the time she is laughing, singing, dancing, skipping. We wake up in the morning laughing... and she goes to sleep in my arms, peacefully now. Tonight, after we read our My little Pony books, Dr. Seuss, Dora and Diego stories she looked up at me very seriously and matter of fact, Mommy, I'm going to lose you. My immediate response was to reassure her that she wasn't going to... but then I stopped myself and simply asked, why? Why do you think you are going to lose me. I don't know, she answered, I just know that I am. She looked off in the shadows of the bedroom and leaned into me and whispered, the Danger is going to come and take you. The Dangers, from India, I asked? Yes. Is that what happened to your first India Mommy? Do you remember anything honey? First she said yes, then she thought hard and a look of blankness came over her, no Mommy, I don't remember. I don't remember.

That's okay... once again I held her and reassured her over and over that I loved her and that no danger was going to come get me. That I would watch over her and love her forever. I told her I was strong and could fight for the both of us, for any danger that even tried to get near and that no danger would succeed in hurting us. I just kept whispering it over and over until she finally fell asleep.

But as she did, I found myself thinking. What do I know. Danger does come, it does hurt us and take us from the ones we love. Am I being honest, how do I reassure my daughter that this time is different, this time her Mommy will stay with her..  will never leave her, when I have no idea what the future holds.

Just over a week ago my sister was diagnosed with cancer. Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma. She is the strongest, most amazing woman. She's raised two children who are the most wonderful, strong, kind and loving individuals you could ever imagine. She is a wonderful wife, mother, daughter and has been not only a close sister but a cherished friend through out my life. She's there to take my father to doctors appointments, has held my hand when my own health was challenged in the past... she's a rock in our family, a guiding strength and light. We're all still reeling from the news. She's already had her first round of chemotherapy and there's no reason she wouldn't be able to beat this disease... she just has a long hard road in front of her to get to the other side.

When someone so close is so sick we remember how precious and fragile our lives are. You are reminded that nothing is more important than family and loved ones. Love is, all that matters... it's really that simple. The moments in life that matter are the moments that we can show up for those we love.

I held my little one and I thought of her words and her fears and I prayed with all of my heart for my sister, Linda and for all of us... that we might be around for a very long time to love each other... and to love my new little one.