They say that art expresses the soul, even those of the very young. That fears and dreams are often realized through artistic expression... even that of crayons. The first time I gave Kajal crayons in India she had no idea what they were... I demonstrated with drawing a few of my crude stick people and flowers and she scribbled. Those scribbles soon turned into flowers, smiling faces, hearts and rainbows. If her drawings are any sign of her joy and growing happiness, then what you see is a truly radiant spirit. Her pictures are more and more colorful, happy and truly beautiful. She draws a self portrait of a girl with a huge smile and growing curly hair. She often draws family portraits, the two of us or with my mother, the three of us happy together... always surrounded with hearts and full of smiles.

I tripped up the stairs the other day and Kajal's immediate reaction was pure panic. Careful Mommy. I can't lose you.
I can't lose you, she said. Those words have played themselves over and over in my mind. Of course, I told her that she wouldn't, couldn't. That I wasn't going anywhere but that reaction, that core belief that she could, that she has, lost a mother already. It's so real to her.

The last few weeks she's seemed more fragile to me. For a while she was growing so strong and independent, so happy consistently. Even nights, our routine has been so much smoother and more peaceful. 3-4 stories curled up in bed, then she's curled up in my arms and gone to sleep. Most nights had become nightmare free... then the last few weeks Kajal can not get close enough. My arms can't be tight enough, her head tucked under my chin. I could feel her regressing, pulling back into a place of fear but I wasn't sure what was causing it.

Tonight after story time was over, Kajal, curled up in my arms said to me, hold me tight mommy. Sleep right next to me, don't leave me. I don't want anyone to take me.

That was it, right out there in the open. The truth. Her fear, her reality, her past.

Kajal, no one is going to take you from me. Not now, not ever. I am your mommy, forever and ever and ever. I know how alone you were in India, I know how scared you must have been but that is never going to happen to you again. I will never leave you or let someone take you from me. Do you believe me?

Yes mommy, just hold me tight.

After a while of holding her close and telling her how much I love her. She talked of India. She talked of never having anyone like her, ever. Of always being alone, un-liked... by all.  She talked of being hurt, of someone with a bat hitting her hands. She held her hand up to me, Mommy, it hurt. It always hurt so bad. There was so much hurt, Mommy.

I looked in those huge eyes, filled with endless loss and pain and I couldn't imagine how alone she had been. She didn't know what it was liked to be loved, or liked by anyone, ever. She was more alone than my worst nightmares would ever have anyone be. A child, so many children, so lost.

I love you baby, I like you and I love you. So many people like you now, love you now. Let's list them. Can you list them. And she did, Mommy, Grandma... and she went on to list all the friends and neighbors, family and teachers that she could think of and when she thought she'd run out of names I added on a few more and the list continued to grow. She still didn't smile, it was as if she was describing something that in this moment still didn't resonate as real to her. That's okay.. in time, I have faith, she'll really believe.

I listened and let her talk, I told her that I will always want to know and hear whatever haunts her and I reassured her, until finally her eyes closed and peacefully, she slept.

Kajal has been singing 'you are my sunshine' to me  a lot lately. We sing it together, and I sing it to her. With all her drawings of sunshiny faces and rainbows I hope that some part of her, deep inside is coming to know that she really, truly is liked... and loved, and safely home.