I'll admit, the last few days I've been feeling very emotional. Mothers Day. I know it's a commercialized holiday, but for as long as I can remember it's been one of the toughest days of the year. In my twenties, it was a day to think of my mother and to dream about the future. The reality is that I was one of those girls whose only dream was to grow up and be a wife and mother. That dream carried itself into my twenties and thirties. I dated, I got involved in one relationship after another and I loved, with my whole heart, I loved. The wrong men, for the most part. My relationships were full of intensity and drama, passion and grand gestures. Heartbreak and betrayals. I dated princes (both mafia and middle eastern), heads of industry, one of the worlds greatest magicians, power brokers and yes, even a rock star I'd carried a torch for most of my adult life.  I loved a man ten years junior and a man thirty years my senior. I loved with my whole being... I just happened to love men that didn't necessarily share the same dream of family as I did and it always ended the same, with me picking my heart up off the floor, after it had been trampled... dusting it off and thinking I'd learned, only to fall once more into love, with the wrong man. There are ten years that I swear, are a blur. I lost a baby. I was madly in love (the mafia prince, I really did believe he was innocent until the night he was indited on 18 counts of racketeering. He had the nerve to say, honey, I'm not the angel you think I am). He had asked me to marry him and I lost in love and my mad passionate love had said yes. That night I conceived and couldn't have been happier. Until a few months later he dropped off the face of the earth, literally. I didn't know if he was dead or alive (found out a year later he was sent to Palm Beach because his father hadn't approved of the match). I was determined to keep my child and loved the little one with all of my heart... only to have him die close to my six month of pregnancy. I went into a downward spiral that lasted for years. I seemed to lose all faith, in God, in myself. There were times when I had no hope, when I could not see the possibility of brightness in my future. With the help of a few close friends, Gods grace and much needed therapy I came out of my fog and somehow came to realize that I needed to make my own dreams come true instead of waiting for Mr.. right to do it for me. Years of thinking of my lost child and having a heart aching with endless pain on mothers day have led to this. My new day, my new child, my new life. My first real, mothers day.

Today, Kajal and I were walking around Boston. She looked up at me and said, I like you Mommy, I really really like you. I bent and hugged her, I like you too honey. I like you a lot. She said, you're doing a really good job. I smiled the greatest smile of all... what do you mean? You help me a lot mommy, you help me all the time. I'm so glad, baby, I'm so glad.  A little while later we were sitting at lunch after a bit of shopping, We had picked up a gift for her new best friend Marilyn, we were headed to her birthday later today.. Kajal's first birthday party for someone else. Mommy, India, I had no toys. I had no toys, no bed. Some times I could see other toys, but toys no touch, not for me... no toys for me.

Oh baby, I know. I know and I'm sad for your days without, in India. But now, Kajal, now you have toys and you have a bed.

Right, Mommy, now I do.

Tonight when I was tucking her in, Kajal said to me, you make me really happy Mommy. Really happy.

You make me the happiest Mommy in the world, baby, the happiest Mommy in the whole wide world.

I truly am grateful, for every time my heart was broken. For every relationship that went bad, that wasn't meant to be. For I truly believe this was the path that was meant for me, this path of loss, this path of learning and pain and growth. For this is the path that took me half way around the world to scoop a little lost child up into my arms and tell her, that I was now...

Her Mommy