Bamm! It hits you, I really messed up. Tonight I was sitting with Kajal after she finished watching a Dora episode and we were having some comfortable hang out time. I asked her again about her day at school and I asked her if anyone had given her a hard time today. Did any of the kids make you cry today? Or hurt your feelings? No mommy. I want you to tell me if anything like that happens... if anyone bothers me or you are sad, I want you to tell me.

No mommy, me no tell you. Why, Kajal, why wouldn't you tell me. Because you say quiet, Kajal, all the time you say quiet.

I thought about what she was saying, sure there are times at dinner where my mother is telling me something and Kajal interupts and talks right over my mom... and I say, Kajal, please be quiet. Or times when we are in a restaurant and she starts yelling, and I say, Kajal, please talk softer. She a child, she likes to talk... and she really likes to yell... and I say, quiet. Oops. I felt sick to my stomach. All she was hearing was Kajal, be quiet and in her little mind, all she's hearing is that I don't want to hear her speak.

Here is this child I'm trying to reassure that I love her, that I'm never going to leave her, that she has value and I care about what she has to say and who she is and I've said 'be quiet' one too many times and now that's what she hears in her little head.

My mother called me out on something else... Kajal has a way of running away from me and not stopping when I call out her name or ask her to wait. It's terrifying on city streets or in stores where she runs out of sight. Today she took off running after school and when I called out Kajal, stop... nothing, nada, not even a slow down. I screamed, Kajal stop! And she did... but what my mother told me I said after I don't even remember saying  which was 'I don't care' she must have started making an excuse and my answer was to say 'I don't care you have to stop when... blah blah blah'. Great, my mom had a point... that's a sentence, no matter what I should NEVER use. I didn't even realize I was saying it.

Again, double sick to my stomach. I'm sitting here thinking about both tonight... wondering how I'm going to 'make it better'.

Just when I think I've got this 'Mommy thing' down, I realize just how easy it is, to mess up