If someone asked me what is the hardest thing about being a mom, I'd have to say it's the not knowing. Not knowing for sure what the right thing to do is, over and over again in countless situations. Yesterday, Kajal became sick. Mind you, she's was very ill when I picked her up and for the first few months home but we would find out what she had and treat it appropriately. This sick, was normal mom, little kid stuff sick. She's had a runny nose since she came home from India... we call it the cold that won't leave. Yesterday, the cold seemed to move into her chest and all of a sudden she was coughing this really scary cough. Probably just a normal cough, but boy, did it scare me. Was it a cold, the flu, a virus? How do you know? A few hours later she told me she hurt and when I asked where she pointed to one arm, then the other arm... then sadly looked at me and said, all over. Was it the flu, sounded like the flu. I did what any good mother would do, i called my mother. She didn't have a temperature (let's hope I was taking it the right way... after learning that we're not very good at taking them orally I got one of those fancy across the forehead kind) I ran to the pharmacy and spent about 30 minutes talking the ear of of the pharmacist and drilling them on every over the counter medicine. They finally convinced me that Children's Dimetap was what she needed and a little squeeze bottle thing to clear out her nose. I ran home, and then proceeded to look the medicine up on the web for thirty minutes. After giving her a bit of that and a little Children's motrin I felt like I had the basics covered. She seemed like she was feeling better so I held off on calling the doctor. All night, I had my arms around her and listening to her breathing, feeling the rhythm of her chest.. feeling her forehead... I just watched.

Come morning she seemed okay... no bad coughing, just the old runny nose. Do I send her to school, keep her home... I had no idea. I asked her how she was feeling , if she hurt anywhere and she said no and proceeded to head for the kitchen and her rice crispies. Question asked and answered, school it is. As I walked her to school I tried to explain that if she started feeling sick she was to tell her teacher and I would come and pick her up right away. She was confused, shouldn't I just know if she's sick and come and get her? Jack's daddy came and got him when he was sick. I tried to explain that Jack probably told the teacher he wasn't feeling well and that's why Jack's daddy came. Okay... she seemed to understand and she kissed me as she headed into gym class at school.

Just after lunch the principal called, Kajal was sick. As sick as this little girl was when I brought her home, in her first months, she'd never said she was sick. But then again, she may have been telling me in Marathi and I didn't understand... I mean I knew she was sick, just not what she had to say about it. Can you imagine, not being able to communicate that you're sick to the person who is suppose to be taking care of you. How scared she must have been. But here she was, telling the teacher. I raced through the North End, heart racing until I reached the school. And there she was, all bundled up and ready to come home. Are you okay? No, mommy, me sick. What's wrong, where doesn't it hurt? No where, Mommy, just sick. Me ate small (her word for salami) too much samali and sick. Okay, I wonder, did she just eat too much and feel naucious? Is it the cold, flu, virus, bug? Let's go home, baby, I'll get you in bed. Why bed? She asked, me not bad... No honey, you are good, but you're not feeling well and little children who are sick go to bed. She thought about that as she put her hand in mine and started to walk towards home. Two times on the short five minute walk home, she had to stop and rest. Once, before she even left the school and the second time on the sidewalk. Oh boy, she really was sick. I offered to carry her but she refused.

When we got home, I had her change into her pajamas and climb into her bed (not the one she sleeps in which is mine, but hers) so she could hear me as I work and have all her books and toys around her to feel better. I tucked her in, let her choose the stuffed animals, dolls and books she wanted on the bed with her. Oh, good idea mom! She excitedly, picked out all her favorite things then glancing up her shelves saw her little birthday hat (which she calls her princess hat) perched up high and pointing to it said, that too mommy. I want to wear that in bed. Okay, what ever makes you feel better. Her birthday hat perched on her head, all her toys around her, water, tissues and crackers on her night table she looked at me confused. Why am I in bed? Because you are sick. No mommy, me play with you, me watch tv, me better. Oh honey, I don't think your better that fast..  oh, then, me not sick, me wrong! Well, that seemed normal enough, maybe she wasn't so sick after all.  I kissed her head and very firmly told her that this was where she would stay.


I will admit, a bit of Motrin and dimetap later and she did seem to be doing better. She was going stir crazy so I brought in her mini DVD player and let her watch some Dora and she seemed happier.

As the day wore on I finally let her escape her bedroom. Mommy, will you play angel with me? Sure honey, what is angel. I'll show you. Sit like this. She made me sit and cross my legs in the lotus position. Then put this hand here (she pur my left hand facing up with the thumb and middle finger toughing) then this hand this way (my right hand she raised in the air) I realized she was posing me as one of the Buddha's I've seen in Indian statues. Then she said, close your eyes and be really really still and really really good. She place a peanut in my hand. Open your eyes, see, you have food. Sometimes, you have to look really hard and there is no food. But sometimes, you sit and the food comes. If you're really good, the food and maybe money comes.

I was stunned. She had posed me as a buddha and put me in a meditative pose... was this some incredible wisdom, her own faith left over from India that she believed if she meditated long enough, was really good, the food would come?

Honey, where did you learn this game? India, mommy, we used to play this. Moukesh and me.

Wow.... here I'd been trying to teach her faith. Did she already have some, was it ingrained in her from those she'd seen in prayer in India, did her birth mother or some relative or teacher, share this with her in her first years? Or was it just a children's game... so many questions that will never have answers.

Kajal, I really liked the angel game. Let's play it again some time. She smiled at me that beautiful smile, oh, mommy, that's a really good idea.