Today was a big day... a hard day. Kajal was scheduled for a doctors appointment so I picked her up at school early. When I arrived I went to the cafeteria where the children were wrapping up their lunch and found the room strangely quiet. Over 30 children, lined up at tables sitting quietly while one cafeteria mom was cleaning up. I called out for Kajal and she stood up from the corner of one table, grabbing her bag she walked toward me, head down and walked out of the room. She was so quiet. I noticed the tear tracks down her cheeks and I asked her what happened. She didn't say a word, just kept her head down and headed for the stairs. I got down on my knee and looked her in the eyes... what I saw reflected in her eyes was so sad... hopelessness, confusion, shame and sadness. What happened, my baby I asked again. I leaned in to hear her whisper something about a child making fun of her... I couldn't make sense of everything she was saying but clearly someone had convinced her to throw away some of her food and taking them literally she threw the food down (on the table or the floor, I couldn't quite tell) and then they made fun of her for doing that... and she, in front of them, started to cry. I asked her to follow me back in the room and I called the woman in the room over to us. What happened with Kajal, why is she crying, what was said? The woman couldn't tell me what happened but agreed to ask the other children... she came back with some unclear report that the kids had said 'something' to make her cry. I took hold of my little one's hand and walked her outside to wait for the cab to head to the doctors office. We sat on the front steps of the school and I tried to explain that kids can be mean... but that doesn't reflect on how amazing she is. I reminded her how smart and beautiful, funny and clever she is and we held hands and giggled together until it seemed she was feeling better.

Kajal was being brave about going to the doctors even though I knew the pending physical exam was frightening to her. She was physically ill the whole way to the hospital but never complained once, just let me hold the bag and stroke her hair while telling her everything would be okay.

During Kajal's doctors visit there was a moment that I think will be forever etched on my soul. Kajal was so calm, she was trying to be so brave as the doctor examined her. There's been so many shots, so many doctors visits, so much poking and prodding. I held her hand and rested my head next to hers, my eyes looking into her eyes.. the whole time. She was trying to be so brave but her lips, the corners of her lips... were shaking. That simple, tiny thing... that quivering as she silently endured shook me to my soul. Even tonight, as I write this, I see her little lips quivering.

After the appointment we headed to the hospital gift shop where Kajal picked out a few Dora toys and we headed home. Once again, she was physically sick the whole way and I held her as she quietly threw up, until there was nothing left but dry heaves. She never complained... just once she looked at me and said, I'm so tired, Mommy.

I can't imagine what she's lived through but the more I know her, the more I realize just how dark and dangerous the places she's seen, the experiences she's lived, have been. It was in those quivering lips... those big, dark, terror filled eyes.

To make up for the day she'd had, I dragged her out with my mother to Pizzeria Regina for pizza and then on to Bova's bakery in the North End for her favorite desert, vanilla cupcake. Of course, we walked out of the bakery with cupcake, cannoli and cookies... all for her. As she munched away on the cookie, sprinkles and sugar all over her face I laughed... she looked so cute, so normal and healthy. Juts like any child, any day. She smiled when she heard me laugh and there before me was a gaping hole in her mouth. She lost her first tooth!!!!!!  I was so excited I had us all dancing in the street talking about tooth fairies and surprises under pillows. We practically danced, all the way home.


Showing off the loss of her first baby tooth!