Camp started this week... I have to admit, I was feeling a bit emotional. Leaving her somewhere new, with new caretakers.. .it still shakes me up a little. As I pack Kajal's lunch box I often try and sneak in a note or a little surprise. Most often a note written on a napkin telling her that I love her or that she's 'the best', something to boost her security and confidence during the day. First day of camp, just like the first day of school is always a big deal. We planned out her outfit the night before, packed the perfect lunch with the perfect snacks.. .went to sleep full of anticipation. This camp is really cool too... it's Camp Invention. It's just one week (her regular summer camp will start next week) and it focuses on creativity. The camp is unique in that it approaches learning in unique ways, it teaches "academic content like alternative energy, biomimicry (not sure what that is but I'm sure Kajal will tell me) environmental awareness and it also teaches them to think and solve problems creatively through creating and inventing different items" The program focuses on 'the process of problem solving and invention" it's not about the end product.  With Kajal, one of her challenges is her fear of making a mistake. If she's reading to me and stumbles on a word, it doesn't matter that it's a word she wouldn't learn until 3rd grade, if I help her she gets frustrated and disheartened at her lack of 'knowing'. She is so hard on herself, mistakes seem to mean failure to her, 'not being good enough' and she so easily will slip into hopelessness when she makes an error or doesn't comprehend something, or is corrected. She hates asking for help or asking questions but more often will sit silently beating herself up emotionally for not having the answer.

I was so excited because this program focuses on the wonder of mistakes, the learning behind making mistakes... invention is about trying things many different ways to arrive at different solutions. It literally seems to celebrate, making mistakes. How perfect! If Kajal walks away learning one thing this week, that making mistakes are truly the beginning of learning then we have received a tremendous gift and perhaps she'll be not only kinder to herself in the future but she throw herself into the creative process of 'learning' with joy vs. fear.

To prepare for camp, we needed to bring in an item that Kajal could take apart and then rebuild as something else or not rebuild, but just have fun figuring out. Sounds simple right? Find a broken item with lot's of cool gears and such inside that she can explore. Let's just say it was the night before camp and we still came up empty. The camp had asked that we identify our 'take apart' item five days before camp and take it apart to make sure she'd be able to while in camp. I tried an old phone first but once we took out the battery I couldn't figure out how else to take a part the phone. Then a neighbor was kind enough to give us a game cube system that had broken. We got that partially taken a part but then were stumped, we couldn't find any more screws to open it up to get inside further. Needless to say it was the night before camp and I was racing around looking for something to take apart that wasn't something I'd need in the future.

The problem with moving into a new home is we had already cleared away all of our 'broken' things. Hmmm... I ended up digging through some stuff my mother had in the garage that she'd had in storage and found a VHS recorder. My mother was travelling so I prayed she wouldn't be upset and considering we watch DVD's now I though, how much harm can it do. So at 8 PM the night before camp, Kajal and I are at the kitchen table trying to take out screws from this VHS recorder. I'm not very adept at mechanical things so it was a lot of trial and error but the results were great and Kajal ooohed and aahhhed when we got it open and the inside was full of complex machinery.

After dropping Kajal off for the day with her equipment I arrived home to hear the silence of the house. I knew I needed to start work but with Kajal at camp and my mother travelling the house just seemed 'too' quiet. I felt a little lonely and wondered if Kajal was having fun yet. As I walked through my home picking up a bit I found a note, written on a napkin on a living room table.

"I love you Mom! I will miss you! I love you"

The tears of love came. She had written it in the same marker I use to write her lunchbox notes and she'd written something I would have written to her myself.

Every day since, as I sneak a note into her lunchbox, Kajal leaves the house with a small smile on her face... knowing that she too, has left a note of love behind for me.

Kajal had been looking forward to her garden party for weeks. It was a celebration of the end of the school year and the children had been decorating their class room all week. They brought home hand decorated invitations and dressed up for the occasion. When I arrived at the school, I immediately noticed that Kajal was reserved... no longer bubbling over with excitement. Her teacher told me that there had been an incident during recess that had brought Kajal to tears.

The incident went something like this:

The children were playing ball and Kajal told them to throw it high. One of them threw it so high it went over a fence into a wooded area. When the gym teacher asked who had thrown the ball over the fence (clearly against the rules) the child who had thrown the ball admitted she'd done it but blamed it on Kajal, who she said had told her to do it. Kajal denied that she had done anything wrong and clearly told the teacher she had not told her to throw it over the fence. The gym teacher didn't accept her at her word but insisted she stop lying and 'tell the truth' Kajal grew confused and admitted to something she hadn't done. By the time Kajal's teacher had arrived, Kajal's tears had started to flow and the gym teacher made a comment that Kajal hadn't started to cry or been that upset until her teacher came on the scene. Kajal's teacher then explained to me that after she got the children all together after recess the other children admitted Kajal had only told them to throw the ball high, not to throw it over the fence.

Kajal's teacher was concerned because when she tried to reach out to Kajal later that morning, Kajal pulled away and was shut down.

Knowing Kajal, I knew several things without question. Kajal doesn't break the rules in school, the other children had lied to protect themselves and if Kajal had broken down in tears it was the real thing... she doesn't cry for drama.

Oh baby... the Mama bear came out in me and my fury was beyond belief. It may have seemed like a small incident to anyone else but I know how horrified Kajal would have been to be accused of breaking the rules... she's an overachiever in school. She works so hard all the time to excel. She puts more pressure on herself to succeed than anyone else ever could and if she was in tears, I knew she'd held them in as long as possible before they broke loose.  The mortification of being called a liar in front of her peers must of been horrendous for her.

I went right to the Principals office and raised holy you know what. If my daughter was called a liar in front of her class for something that she didn't do I wanted not only an apology, but a public apology! The Principal asked to talk with the gym teacher and Kajal's teacher then promised to regroup in the following days.

Kajal was resigned and somewhat depressed over the incident. She tossed and turned that night and was saddened about it in the days that followed. The following week we had a meeting at the school.

I met first with the Principal, the gym teacher and Kajal's teacher as Kajal waited outside the office.

First I let the gym teacher tell her side of the story. Granted, she manages a large amount of children and many children do lie about things that happen in class. She admitted that Kajal first denied what she'd been accused of and that the teacher stressed that she wanted 'the truth' and when Kajal admitted to it, she took that at face value. She also believed the tears were for the other teachers benefit because they didn't appear until the point that the other teacher arrived on the scene.

I let her talk. I understood that with most children, breaking the rules was a common occurance, it wasn't the teachers fault... she thought Kajal was just like any other child.

I asked her, have you ever known Kajal to break a rule in all the months you've taught her...even once? No, both teachers admitted that Kajal never broke rules, always obeyed them and always helped out whenever she could.

I've learned something valuable from this experience. I explained to the group. Next year I want a meeting with every person, every teacher that has any contact with Kajal. I want them to know how special this child is, what she has overcome and what triggers she has. Kajal has been diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Rules to Kajal are survival mechanisms. Everything is about survival to her. Breaking the rules in her mind can represent negative attention. It can translate into being beaten, starved, left alone or being sent back to India. Following the rules keeps her safe. She pressures herself to be 'perfect' because in her mind being 'imperfect' means not being 'good enough' or 'lovable'. To be told that she'd lied was being told that she'd 'failed' in her mind, that she was 'no good' and the pain that followed resulted in her shutting down and risked triggering depression and feelings of hopelessness.

Such a simple incident, such a simple misunderstanding... crushed Kajal's precious spirit.

The silence in the room spoke volumes.

I didn't know... the gym teacher whispered,her eyes glassed over with tears. Her good heart written all over her face. What do I do though, if Kajal does something wrong at some point, do I not give her a time out like the other children?

No, I explained. She understands consequences. It wouldn't be fair to treat her differently if she does something wrong. The only thing I ask is that you first, listen to her... like any child give her the benefit of the doubt. If she really does break a rule or do something wrong be fair, give her the consequence you would any other child but also, take the time to tell her that everything is going to be okay. That she is going to be okay.

When Kajal came into the room the Principal told her that she was sorry that the misunderstanding had happened. That she never wanted Kajal to admit to something she hadn't done. That she can tell the truth and nothing bad would happen. She told Kajal that she didn't have to be perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. She also told Kajal that she loved her and that all the teachers loved her too and that they wanted to keep her safe. Kajal's teacher and the Gym teacher reiterated that to Kajal and told them how special she was and that they truly looked forward to her coming back next year. By the time we left the school, Kajal was hugging her teachers and telling them about her flying lessons. Her hands had stopped shaking and her eyes were sparkling again.

The last week of school, prior to this event, Kajal was awarded the School Mascot's Master Award for her first grade class. The award is only given to one child in every class each year. It's given to the child who has achieved the greatest academic achievement and who has lived up to the schools ideals in all ways. Kajal won the Master award... she was held up as an example of what a student can achieve. I watched her receive that award and I had flashes of our early days (all of 2.5 years ago) of her shivering in fear, throwing tantrums, hollowed out with hunger... and then I saw her beaming with good health and vitality and most of all, a thirst for learning. She continues to amaze me and leave me, in awe.

On the way home from the meeting with the teachers Kajal told me, I don't like to have meetings Mommy. They're really hard. I was scared. But it's good, because after you have a meeting you feel better and you know it's going to be okay. It really is all better.

Do you know Kajal that I was always be on your side. That I will fight for you and protect you, love you and stand up for you.. no matter what?

Yes Mommy.... I know that. And I love you, too.

Thank you for today, Mommy.

I smiled at her... thank you, Kajal.

For being you.

Kajal was looking through 'the photo' album tonight. The Album that I sent to India to introduce her to me, my mother and our family.

I still can't believe it. She did it! Kajal flew a plane this weekend! We drove out to the aero club and the flight instructor told us we were good to go. The skies were clear and blue and the weather was perfect. To say I was scared would be putting it mildly, I thought I was going to be sick. Kajal was overjoyed... ready to go, carrying her booster seat under one arm and her American Girl doll, Kajal (jr.) under the other.... dressed in matching outfits for the special occasion... she was raring to go. Fearless!

I can't describe it.... I just feel sad.

Kajal was so excited, she was the 'star' student today. The teacher called her up to the front of the class and asked all the students to ask her questions about herself. They'll all write notes to her that will be shared with her this Friday when she'll be honored by appearing on the school's morning radio show.

What questions did they ask you, Kajal?

They asked me about India.

They asked me what India food I liked best and I told them I liked the spicy chicken gravy with rice you sometimes make me and sometimes you don't (chicken tika)

They asked me to tell them more about India. So I told them I didn't have a bed that I slept on the floor.

I told them I didn't have a shower, I showered outside.

Then they asked me what my favorite color was and I told them pink.

How did that feel, baby? Talking about India...

It was okay, Mommy. The teacher said, 'wow that must have been different, you probably didn't know how to use a towel" then I thought Mommy, she's right, I didn't know how to use a towel.

Did they ask you anything else?

Yes they asked me if I remembered any words and I thought really hard then I said, yes.

Namaste.

Oh, Kajal, I love that word, it is so beautiful.

Me too Mom.

Are you okay, was it okay to talk about India?

Yes... I'm okay.

She stared in my eyes then whispered that she loved me and once again, I held her until she fell asleep.

I've been trying to shake this bone deep sadness. I've been trying to put my finger on where it comes from... this numbing feeling of, simply sad. Then I realize... it's so simple. How can I not, at times, feel sad.... heart wrenching, sad, when I imagine my child sleeping on the floor, cold and hungry. Or imagine her being roughly bathed by uncaring adults, standing shaking, exposed in the outdoors.

The past is the past I know but sometimes, the pain of it, creeps into the present.

It's simply, sad.

To all of you... all the mothers out there.. mothers with children by their side, mothers who have lost children and mothers who are waiting for children, Happy Mothers Day.

I told Kajal about my mothers day before I had her in my life, physically present in my life anyway. I went to tea at the Four Seasons in Boston with a few other 'waiting mothers' and I sat at a table, with Kajal's picture propped up in front of me. I blew her a kiss and I prayed she safe.

She wasn't, safe, where she was. But now she is... safe and loved and thank God, with me.

Tomorrow we celebrate motherhood... we celebrate our own mothers who helped us become the mothers we are today. Who believed in us enough that we could come to believe in ourselves. Tomorrow we celebrate the miracle that motherhood is.

It still leaves me in awe... that a child who lived more than half way around the world is now, my child but then, God probably always meant for us to be together... and so we are.

Kajal said to me today, even if we have hard days we still love each other and the fact that she finally knows that, knows that there are good days and bad days... easy moments and tough ones but under all those ups and downs the love stays constant...that she's starting to truly understand that and believe it, well that's the greatest mothers day gift of all.

Not that I didn't absolutely love the heart shaped cake she brought home from school, the handpainted planter and the beautiful card written in her own hand. 

She's amazing... truly amazing. She got her report card... straight A's. Amazing. A child who has been from one side of the world to another.... whose known starvation and what it likes to truly be alone is now surrounded by love. She is truly full of Grace.

I think about the 'other children' that may come into our lives. That may join us and become part of our family. I wonder who they are and where they are tonight. Are they warm, are they cared for? Are they praying for a mother too? Who are my future children? Kajal's brothers and sisters?

I love being Kajal's mom. I love it so much that sometimes I want to hold off doing anything else.. .pursuing other adoptions... but then I wonder, are they waiting? If God had her picked out for me, then has he also picked out the rest of our family?

I'm trying to trust that it will happen as it's meant to... as it did for us. One day I just knew, I knew it was time and I knew that she was waiting for me, somewhere in the world. The sense of urgency took over and I couldn't race through the pre-adoption process fast enough.

But for now, we'll say a little prayer for the children still waiting... and we'll celebrate what we have today.

One another.

One of our neighbors is an Airforce Pilot. My mother mentioned to him one day that she'd read about a program called the 'young eagles' where several times a year pilots take children up flying to teach them about the field of aviation and the concept of becoming a pilot. Our neighbor Nathan told us he was familiar with the program and that its a wonderful program. He explained that he thought the children actually got to sit in the co-pilot seat and watch from the front row. I had to admit, the idea of Kajal having a chance to fly seated next to the pilot was pretty cool. Nathan made some calls and before I knew it we had an appointment with a pilot at the Charleston Airforce base. Kajal and I went for our 'appointment' but the pilot told us the day was too overcast, low visability. He took us for a tour though and he let Kajal sit in the pilots seat. Won't she fly in the co-pilot's seat I asked? No, he explained, this is a real flying lesson. She'll be sitting in the pilot's seat, she'll be flying the plane.

She'll be what?

She'll be flying the plane... this is a real flying lesson. He explained that she would literally be logging hours towards a pilots license and that if she liked it and wanted to pursue it by the time she reached 17 she could be a licensed pilot. Kajal was so excited, walking around the planes.. checking them out, asking tons of questions.

What are those things that people who fly planes where on their shirt? She asked.

The pilot smiled. Those are wings, he answered.

Oh, Kajal smiled... I want those!

He laughed, I think you may just get them one day.

We left that afternoon and made another appointment for today. I've been a nervous wreck. I hate heights... I cry like a baby when I get too close to the edge of a cliff. I can't see flying in the backseat of a tiny airplane with my eight year old daughter flying the plane and one pilot sititng in the co-pilot seat. What if something happens to him?

The pilot assured us it would be safe but boy, the thought was terrifying.

Kajal and I have talked alot about it. She was so excited that when we drove up to the Aero Club today she threw her arms up in the air and screamed out "I"M LIVING MY DREAMS!!!!!!!!!"

I asked Kajal if she knew why I wanted to see her fly a plane. She asked if it was because I wanted her to learn more things. I told her yes, it was that but more importantly it was because I want her to know that she has choices. That she can do anything... be anything. That if she truly flies a plane than any time in life she wonders... can I do this? Can I achieve this? Then perhaps she'll think back to that moment when she was flying a plane and she'll know that yes... she can do anything.

I want her to have that confidence to know that anything is possible, for her.

Today the winds were too strong, too dangerous to go up. We made another appointment for next Saturday...

So next Saturday around 9 AM say a little prayer the my little girl, who just may be...

Flying her first plane.

Mom, Mom, I'm in LOVE! I'm really in LOVE! Kajal was jumping up in down, her eyes looked like she truly had, somehow at the age of 8, fallen IN LOVE. Oh my goodness, could it really start this young? Oh, Mom... you can't imagine, it's so wonderful, I AM SO IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Kajal... who are you in love with?

SKETCHERS! I'M IN LOVE WITH SKETCHERS! I have to have a pair of TWINKLE TOES! They are the most beautiful things I've ever SEEN!

Oh, my.

Her eyes were sparkling, she was jumping up and down and twirling all around.

Well, I'm thinking to myself, one of her two pairs has fallen apart and it's time for a back up pair anyway but this label thing... we don't want to start that so early.

For two weeks I went back and forth. She begged, she pleaded, she literally seemed to be dreaming of these Twinkle Toe sneakers. They sparkle, they light up, they literally sparkle and twinkle. If I were a kid I'd love them too... who wouldn't? I was ready to take her to Sears which seemed to have pretty reasonable pricing on them when Kajal mentioned a few other kids in school had them and it seemed to be a big deal.. they were 'friends' because they both had them. Okay, at first they were just sneakers, now the whole label... peer pressure thing came into it.

We talked about it, how friendship is never real if it's based on the 'things' we have. We talked about how what's 'in' now wont be 'in' tomorrow and kids and people who get caught up in always having the lastest 'thing' are not happy... because 'things' can't make you happy... only love can.

We talked... she swore she understood and she swore she only wanted them because they 'twinkle' not because anyone else has them.

Then she pulled out the 'they saved a little girls life mommy' story. They light up, easy to see at night etc etc.

I swore I wouldn't cave so easily.

I think I made it just over 2 weeks.

It's so easy to get caught up in life and forget the simple pleasures... how easy it can be to have fun.

There's a route that I drive in to town where we always pass the courtyard of a county building and every time we drive by we always comment on these huge, I mean, massive pine cones we see lying in the grass.  Kajal and I were heading to the Doctors for a check up on her hearing. It's been three months since we started the treatment (some of you may remember she was diagnosed with massive hearing loss in her left ear). We passed the courtyard and did as we always do... point to the cones in the distance and exclaim at their massive size. Let's stop Mom! Let's get one!

But we're always on our way some way, something to do, somewhere we have to be and the road is busy and it's hard to stop. You know how it goes.

The doctors appointment was quick and the news was great. Her hearing was restored! We both danced out of there, giddy with relief. She was healed! I have to admit, I wasn't too optimistic after the last visit two months ago and was preparing myself for the concept of my little one having a hearing aid. I know she would have been okay, but she's already been through so much I didn't want her to have to struggle anymore.

This time we neared the County building and I turned to Kajal, hey Kajal... I think we should stop this time. Let's go get some of those pine cones!

She whooped with glee... Great idea, Mom! Great idea!

We pulled into the parking lot and ran for the trees. These things were massive... 12 inches tall! Bigger! We laughed and ran amount the tree's, comparing this one to that one.. picking out the most beautiful ones.

As we climbed in the car our arms full of natures jewels I wondered allowed what we would do with them.

I know Mom, let's make bird feeders?

Bird feeders, how do we do that?

Oh it's easy, Special Agent Oso taught me?

Who is that Kajal?

Special Agent Oso is who I watch when you sleep late on Saturday's mom. Special Agent Oso teaches me things, things like how to build a bird feeder. First we get some peanut butter, then we get some string, then we get a pine cone. I'll show you Mommy!

And that's what she did. She coated the pine cone with peanut butter and rolled it in bird seed. Grandma even got into the spirit of things as we stood around the kitchen table together, sticky with peanut butter.. thousands of bird seed flowing over the table.

Thanks for teaching us this, Kajal... this was a perfect way to spend the day!

We hung the feeders outside and called out to the birds we saw flying by...

So simple, so perfect. Pine cones and peanut butter and one amazing, adorable little girl.

I know that all of us, parents of children who are adopted, parents who adopted older children, parents of internationally adopted children, waiting parents and parents considering adoption are watching this story with an extreme mixture of emotion.  Even those of you not touched by adoption, are watching the news and following this story.

The first time I saw the news clip, my heart broke for the child... facing every adopted child's worst nightmare, being sent back. I wont judge the family, it' s not my place to do that and the news never seems to get the 'whole' story, but if what we're reading even comes close to being true you have to at least ask the questions... why wasn't the child evaluated by psychologists here in the United States, why didn't the family seek help here before resorting to the worst possible outcome.

The damage this situation can do to international adoption is huge. The Russian program can be placed on hold once again and other countries may challenge and question their adoption/child placement relationship with America. I think of all the children, that if these programs are shut down, will not find their forever homes. The children that could sit hungry in orphanages around the world. How can we not think about the impact that one families actions can have on them?

I think of my friend who adopted two incredibly precious older children from Russia and how miraculous their family is, today. What if those boys were still in Russia and their adoption placed on hold?

I think of  all of the parents waiting for their Russian children now and all those children anxious to come home to those parents, what becomes of them, of their chance at happily ever after?

Every horror story, we'd like to believe holds a lesson. The lesson shouldn't be that a waiting parent should give up their idea of international adoption or older child adoption...  or run scared because of what they read in the newspaper. Perhaps the lesson is simply to step back and learn, learn how to prepare, learn how to help these incredible children who hold a world of hope in their heart and the potential to love and impact the world, for the better.

We've been blessed that our blog has been followed by over 50,000 readers around the world.. to those of you who touch base and read this entry today I'd like to ask you to think about a few things. To share this entry with anyone touched by adoption, considering adoption or judging older child or international adoption. Share this:

Older child adoption and international adoption has it's challenges. I don't negate that. We embrace and adopt children who often come from lives we would never wish for any child. They have been abandoned and neglected. Perhaps they've been abused and most likely, they've been cold, hungry and had to survive on their own at incredibly young ages. There is always mystery around what they have experienced and there is always potential for great love and bonding.

My daughter, Kajal, lived through extreme negative circumstances in India until she was almost 6 years old when I flew to India, with my mother, to adopt her and bring her home. Her first months were tumultuous... with extreme mood swings and her fears and past trauma had her screaming at night. She acted out and she had tantrums....  but she was full of love and joy for her new life. She knew what she had survived, come from and she embraced her life with hope and willingness to learn new rules, new behaviors. She still walks through the world daily with a glow of appreciation and gratitude that makes every moment, every experience, beyond precious.

An adoptive parents responsibility is to prepare themselves for all the challenges that can present with a child who has potentially survived trauma, who has survived neglect.  To take classes, read books and articles, explore positive behavioral solutions. To have professionals on call ready to meet with the child when they first arrive and to continue to meet with the child to evaluate and support the child and the families needs in the coming months and years.

Even a birth parent has no idea what challenges their child will present in life... life is full of surprises, positive and negative. It is our responsibility as parents to embrace every experience, rise to every challenge and protect our children. Help them grow into productive adults who can hopefully, bring something positive to the world. Make a difference with their own life.

If your child had a toothache, wouldn't you bring them to a Dentist? A broken bone, a Doctor? A past filled with hurt or mystery, a Psychologist?

It's our responsibility to find the resources to help our children become all that they can be.  Every child has the potential to become, amazing, in their own right. In their own way.

I love and adore my daughter with my whole being. She is the center of my world. The trauma of her past may have presented some behavioral challenges in the first year and bumps along the road since but these traumas she has survived have made her that much more special... that much more unique, loving and compassionate. She is intelligent and kind, spiritual and generous. She amazes me every day.

How many times in these first two years has she pushed me, challenged me, acted out... daring me to prove her worst nightmare will come true? That I will send her back.  More times than I can count. Every adoption book will teach you this, that especially with older child adoption, our children will challenge us. Push us to act out and prove to them that yes, they are what they believe to be, worthless and unlovable.

As her parent, legal, adoptive and with my whole heart and being it was my job to teach her right from wrong while at the same time reassuring her that no matter what she does.. I will always love her, always fight for her and always be there for her. That I will never leave her... we will always work though our difficulties, together.  After a period of reassurance I see the peace come back in her eyes and her spirit and she is happy, once again. She thrives physically,  psychologically, socially and academically. She is loved and she loves, with her whole heart.

Those instances, those moments of challenge are so rare now and our days are filled with joy and love.

We laugh all the time... we are happy.