I've been travelling on business every now and again and as I headed out of town for meetings in Philadelphia one day, Kajal said to me "Oh, Mom, you're going to the land of the Free".
I realized that she'd been studying the Civil War and the Underground railroad and I knew immediately where this was coming from.
We're all the land of the free now, honey....
Well maybe, she responded, but sometimes I feel like I'm on the wrong side.
Hmmm... the South certainly has been a bit different than living up North, but the wrong side?
Kajal, we're all on the same side now, we're on the side of Freedom, I told her.
Will you see the railroad?
The Railroad? Oh, 'The Railroad". No, baby, that existed a long time ago. It isn't needed anymore. Remember too, that the railroad wasn't a real railroad. It was a series of homes that were secret, that helped the people who were slaves as they were on their road to freedom. 
The stories of the civil war hit home with Kajal, in many ways. When we travelled for a visit to Boston and she had a chance to visit the American Girl store, I gave her the opportunity to choose a new doll. After reading many of their stories, she found herself identifying the most with the stories of Addie. A young girl who had been a slave and escaped with her monther, to the North. Hence Kajal's excitement over the 'railroad'. 

Why did you choose Addie, I asked her.

Because Mom, she's like me. Her life was very sad at first,  but then it became happy... and she's a kind person, too. Just like me!

Kajal with her Grandmother picking out her new American Girl Doll, Addy

Sorry I've been out of pocket for a while... it's been a crazy time. I just signed on to several hundred comments waiting for me, please be patient... I'll reach through and respond in the next few days. I've also taken tons of recent pictures that I'll upload and share with you all as soon as possible.

First, to follow up on the last post about bullies... my Aunt Louis (who is an expert in education) shared some wonderful insight on techniques that the Massachusetts school system has used effectively to counteract bullying. I will  post these within the day to share with you all.

Prior to sharing these insights with our principal, Kajal's teacher chose to take action. I've talked before about working in partnership with teachers... it's so easy to end up in an adversarial position with them but when we step back and put our frustrations aside and reach out with the sincere desire to work together, so much can be accomplished. Kajal's teacher responded to my concern immediately. She called the 'mean girls' in to a group meeting with Kajal and addressed the problem straight out. The children admitted to calling Kajal names and when the teacher asked the group if anyone didn't feel like they fit in... Kajal was brave enough to raise her hand.  The teacher laid out the rules, no saving seats in the lunch room, no more games that only involve two people and no more name calling, period. She had the girls all play a game together at lunch and watched over them and she asked them each who they'd like to be friends with. To Kajal's surprise, many said her name and by the end of the day she truly felt 'one of'' vs. seperate. Since then, there haven't been any problems and Kajal has been so much happier and more secure. Thank goodness...

Give your teachers a chance, don't ignore a problem and brush it aside.. it's worth it to address it and focus on solutions... most teachers really do give a hoot... they want to help, they just don't have the time or energy to figure it all out on their own. In my case, I was lucky, Kajal's teacher did have solutions and she put them to work right away.

On the drive to the school bus yesterday morning, Kajal asked me a question that for a moment, left me speechless.

Kajal: Mommy, will you miss me if I die?
Me: (after a moment of shocked silence) I wouldn't even want to live with out you Kajal, you are the center of my universe
Kajal: would you want to be in heaven with me?
Me: if that's where you were, yes, I'd want to be there with you. Why are you asking this? What made you think about dying?
Silence
Me: Are you worried about dying?
Kajal: Would anyone else miss me, Mommy?
Me: Everyone who knows and love you, would miss you. (and then I list all those in our family and friends who love her)
Kajal: No one would miss me at school Mommy.
Me: why do you think that?
Kajal: because I have no friends there. No one likes me.
Me: But what about (list a few of the friends she's connected with)
Kajal: They're not my friends anymore. Nellie (let's call her that) says that I'm nasty. She tells everyone that I'm nasty.  She tells them in front of me. Now when I try to play with the girls at recess they tell me no.
Me: Oh, Kajal, I'm so sorry that's happening. Have you mentioned it to your teacher?
Kajal: Once a while ago. She talked to the girls and they said they were sorry. Then they started doing it again.
They call me nasty. I don't know why.
Me: There is nothing nasty about you. You are amazing. This is not acceptable behavior on their part, honey. This is bullying.
Kajal: I don't know what to do anymore.
Me: That's okay. Just remember though, you don't need to have everyone like you to be happy. You only need one or two good friends and then those friends can really love you and that love can last a life time.
Kajal: like your friend Holly from kindergarten?
Me: Yep, just like that. She was my only friend for a long time and we're still friends. We've never said a cross word to each other and we're always kind to one another. That's what friendship is really all about. Always being kind and caring for each other.

The bus pulled up and we blew kisses to each other as she ran off to start her day in school.

I sped home to write an email to her teacher.

Kajal's teacher was aware there had been problems and she thought they'd been resolved. She agreed to reach out to the girls leading the pack and investigate to better understand the problem. I believe she truly cares about seeing positive change happen.

This is so unacceptable though. Bullies. I've watched the specials on them, read the books. They're as young as 5 years old and as old as... well, they're all ages. They pick a target and go after them, they charm those around them and recruit them onto their 'side'. I'm dealing with this with my irrational neighbors and Kajal is dealing with it in school.

Alot of people believe that putting up with bullies is a way of life. I don't believe that. I don't believe any of us, children or adults should just 'put up' with being treated cruelly or unjustly. I believe we need to teach our children to stand up for themselves and ask for help if they are the victims and teach them to not just 'stand by' if they see it happen to someone else. To stand up for what's right... not quietly watch and in silence, support what is wrong.

I wish you could see, what we see.  It is so absolutely breathtaking here... as we drive down the street the whisteria forms canopies, draping over the trees, whispering as it gently sways in the wind. I find myself stopping on the quiet country roads and gazing up above me, watching the lilac colored blooms swinging, dancing to their own private songs. White dogwoods are in bloom everywhere you look, azaleas line the streets in vivid pinks and fushchias. Yellow Forsythia's grow 6 feet tall, wild and beautiful. Everywhere you look through out the town, flowers are in bloom. They tower above you and around you... it's truly breathtaking.  

Spring...  beautiful breathtaking, Spring.ty

Wow... we have received so much love and encouragement from so many friends, known and unknown. Your prayers and good wishes have surrounded us with kindness and support during such a stressful time. This past weekend I chose to focus on the love, the great gifts in our life and to completely ignore the negativity that surrounds us. 

No matter how hard I try to ignore the hostile environment my neighbors have created, to focus on the positive in our lives and those in the world around us that are in greater need... I can't block it out. Every day it's something else.. they're doing something else. This woman is so irrational that every day she's chasing down someone else, trying to file false harrassment charges against me or dig up dirt. She and I have had almost no direct contact for what seems like months and yet behind the scenes she's working to destroy my reputation, my relationships with my neighbors, my credibility. I'm stunned that this is still going on.

I chose to set a positive example for Kajal, to stand up and go before my fellow HOA board members. They told me the accusation against me (that I'd misused my board position and threatened someone with it) I shared my emails and told my story. Answered the questions they asked me. As easy as it would have been to walk away, that just didn't seem like the right thing to do. The board backed me up and agreed that I had done nothing wrong. That the accusations against me were unfounded. They notified the neighbor who has continued to rant and rave against me... she claimed she was filing a harrassment suit against me. Huh? We don't even communicate with each other, how can I be harrassing her?  I've asked for peace... I've told everyone that will listen that all I want to do is live in peace, to surround my family with a peaceful neighborhood and yet these people will not let it go.

It's frightening and deeply disturbing. I'm so saddened by all of this. I moved here, built a beautiful home and wanted nothing more than to take care of my mother, raise my daughter and adopt more children in a neighborhood filled with friendship and love. Now I find myself surrounded by hostility and hatred. Is it because we're a bi-racial family? Is it because I'm a single working Mom? I know I shouldn't spend the energy wondering but I can't help it. There are neighbors near me who I have taken in their children when they showed up at my door crying after school because no one was home and they couldn't get in their homes , I took care of their children happily, there are neighbors who I drove to work when their cars weren't working or that I brought flowers to when they first moved in. Our only contact has been positive, we've never exchanged a cross word... and as I walk down the street they turn their backs on me and act as if I don't exist. They stand in groups, laughing at the edge of my driveway only to silence as I walk out my door.

How do you explain to a child why you no longer are able to wave hello to every face you see, as you drive down the street. Or that when you did wave, people don't wave back.

I've never been on the receiving end of such blind hatred... it stuns me.  I wont be forced to leave the neighborhood... I don't know how people can look themeselves in the mirrors at night when they gain such pleasure at the expense of another but I still, desperately try to pray for them and for us, that peace might enter their hearts and our homes.

I am so frustrated, angry and sad. How can I even think about starting the adoption process again when I am living in such a horrible environment?

We spend as much time as we can at Church and I am beginning to build friendships with some wonderful women outside of the neighborhood. I've even met some wonderful folks in other parts of our community... I know I need to focus on this. I'm trying...  but when I get the calls that this woman, this crazy women is continuing to threaten to come after me, accuse me of things I haven't done I wonder if prayer.. .is enough.

It's been a tough week. Dealing with these neighbors and the hostility, coldness that has spread from them to other neighbors. I've been trying to focus on all the good in our lives. I've been on two business trips in the past two weeks and work is truly better than ever. Kajal is doing amazing in school, I mean AMAZING! She tested for reading and her goal was a score of 28 and she came home radiant.. I scored a 44 MOM! My mother has been reading with her every day to help increase her comprehension levels and the results have been tremendous, in a really short period of time. It's almost inconceviable that Kajal didn't speak English 3 years ago. 

The weather has been beautiful and we've been out gardening together, several times a week. Planting a garden and watching it grow... so simple and yet we've had so much joy, every day... by looking to see what surprises await us in our little garden.

We're headed to Boston this spring for a visit and Kajal can't wait to see her friend, Manisha. We're so blessed to still be in touch. Kajal thinks of Manisha as a 'sister'.... and in many ways they are. Sisters of the heart, sisters from experience. They both lived in the same orphanage, shared some of the same story.

Kajal has been troubled by what has been happening with the neighbors next door. At first I tried to shield Kajal from what was happening but it was impossible. Voices carry and she's heard my mother and I talking, overheard telephone calls. I sat her down and explained the truth of what happened... why do people lie she asked me. Again, I explained that we have to believe they have their own challenges. Their own problems... sometimes they are just so unhappy they need to take it out on others. Place the blame of their own lives, on someone else instead of looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for themselves.

I don't know what the right answers are anymore.

I still don't completely understand what's happened myself. They aren't letting it go either.. public humiliation wasn't enough for them, they've been chasing down our HOA board demanding my resignation. This week  I'm having a meeting with the board so they can review what transpired and hear my side of things. Thank goodness most of it is in black and white, emails between myself and the neighors.

The truth is there.

One of my neighbors suggested I resign, make it easy on myself, my family and everyone around us. I've thought about, it's not like I have the time to serve my neighborhood anyway, I'm working a full time intense job, single mom and all. There are many other ways to be of service... I could just walk away.  The problem with that is what lesson am I teaching my daughter. I've taught her to stand up when she see's injustice happening, to stand up for herself and others.

If I let a neighorhood bully, and an adult one at that... decide that because they don't like me I shouldn't be allowed to serve my community then what example am I setting?

I've struggled with this... unfortunately, asking for peace doesn't always work. I'm not sure these folks will let things go. They've got too much hatred in their hearts.... I keep praying that they find peace... and I keep trying to forgive them for what they've done. It's not easy. Boy it's not easy.

But then I watch whats happening in Japan. I am humbled by the serenity I see exhibited in the faces of those we watch on the news every day. The prayer circles the workers stand in, before they return to the work that will most likely cause them death by radiation. The families standing in ruin, searching for one another...

My problems are so trivial when I see what else exists in the world. When I take a moment to look outside myself and my own little world.

I try and avoid the news some days, it's almost too much to take in... but then I watch the people of Japan and I find myself crying for them. They are the ones who need our prayers and are thoughts, who need our help.

Then I remind myself that what we're going through in our own lives, 'this too shall pass' and it really is, so very unimportant.

I've been sitting here... struggling with the pain of this experience. I should feel sorry for these people. I teach Kajal that when people lash out cruelly at others, try to hurt others or cause pleasure from causing them pain it is because they must be in a painful, sad place themselves. 

The woman that stood before my community and spread untruths about me was someone who once came to me to help take care of her children. Who asked me to watch over her husband when she was out of town because she was afraid of what he might do in her absence. Insecurity is a dangerous thing... it breeds drama and discourse. I've always felt that the most insecure individuals can be the most dangerous... if they don't have a truly kind soul.

Earlier this evening I saw my neighors husband outside. I lashed out, 'How could you have done this I cried.. how could you stand up and lie in front of everyone like that?' he smiled ... that smile terrified me.

You are truly evil! I yelled at him.... and truly, I felt like I was standing in front of the devil himself. That someone could smile and be proud of disgracing someone else based on untruths, could be nothing short of evil. I live my life focusing on the positive, the good, the light in the world and suddenly I felt surrounded by darkness.

I felt sickened. My mother came running outside to defend me and also to pull me back towards the house.

Kajal stood in fear watching us.

I'm sorry, I told her later. I'm sorry you saw Mommy mad and sad. Why are they so mean Mommy? Why are they doing this? She asked.

Because they've done some things wrong and they are trying to cover up by pointing the finger at someone else.. I explained.  Some people are just so miserable they need to take their misery out on someone else and unfortunately that's what's happening right now with these people

I'm sorry, Kajal.. that you saw me mad and you saw me cry. Why are you hurt Mom...

Because it hurts when someone turns on you like this.... when someone spreads things that aren't true. But we need to stand strong and sure and even find the courage to pray for them. Pray for them to have some peace in their hearts... and I've really got to pray for me to let go of the hurt so I can find peace too.

I love you Mom, she said. I love you too, baby.

And then I thought about the note.. the note she slipped in my pocket for me to find on the plane yesterday. The note that told me how much she loved me and how much she'd miss me. The note that told me in my childs hand, to never forget how much she loved me.

Hm. There it is.. the peace is back.

Things blew up. My little outburst to the children at the bus stop resulted in my neighbor totally losing it. I sit on the board of our neigh Home Owners Association. I was away on a business trip (literally a one day turnaround, flew out in the morning and back in the late evening) and had to miss a meeting with the community. The neighbor I've had problems with stood up and demanded my resignation from the board. She went on to say that I'd harassed her and abused my 'power of being on the board', then she accused me of threatening her child so much so that she needed to ask neighbors to watch him while he was at the bus stop. Okay, threaten her child? Oh my goodness! I guess complaining to a bus driver that kids are placing others at risk is now considered a 'threat'.  They continued to stand in front of my community and accuse me of things that were completely untrue and I wasn't there to speak for myself. After telling my mother and I that they had wolves they went on to provide a note from their vet stating that the animals were 'dogs'. (A vet friend of mine told me that if someone told a vet their pets were Malamutes there would be no way for them to know anything else) and accused us in front of the community of spreading lies about them having 'wild animals'. Hmmm... who told who they had wolves? Never mind the constant howling.. .we didn't need to say a word to anyone to have the questions start swirling.

I've started to wonder how something like this could have happened. How could we have moved into a neighborhood, wishing for nothing more than friendship and have ended up in a position where we are targeted with hostility and hatred. This same neighbor tried to file a claim that I was harassing her. Even the Sheriff's office said they have no basis for their accusations, no basis for a claim.

I've had a feeling that I haven't wanted to voice for a long time now. When I look at my behavior, I know I'm far from perfect... but I've truly reached out to every one of my neighbors with friendship and good will. I received irrational emails from the neighbor in question and I responded again and again that I wished for nothing but peace between us (peace and a bit of quiet in the evenings).  I feel threatened and have to admit, I've been in tears most of this evening. It's crushing and humiliating. To have vicious lies spread about you and believed... to have your words twisted and misrepresented.

I know what I need to do, I need to pray for them. It's the only way to find peace but I'm struggling doing that. I'm scared... scared of what this kind of hatred can turn in to. I'm stunned that people that I've been kind to can be swayed to believe one person's accusations vs. what their personal experience has been. How do I create a safe and loving environment for my family, for a child that's already experienced rejection and pain when we're surrounded by such negatively and hostility?

I have to admit I've been so disturbed and frightened by this aggressive behavior and public display and attack that I've reached out to our Sheriffs office and asked them to 'keep an eye' on our home. They've agreed to take this seriously and to do drive by's to keep an eye on things. They were very compassionate and understanding...

Something I've wondered about, felt for a long time but wanted to ignore has surfaced as a question. Is it racism? Does this hatred and irrational behavior stem from our bi-racial family? A part of me feels a resonation of truth in this... but perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it's not that... it's just one person believing something of someone else that is simply, not true.

If you pray... please keep us in your prayers. Pray for our neighbor to have peace in their hearts and pray for Kajal, my mother and I, are pets and our home... to be safe.

UGGGH! I could scream this morning, oh wait, I already did! Bus stops... can we talk about school bus stops?? Beware, if you don't feel like reading about someone raging against their neighbors and unruly children sign off now because the mood I'm in this morning, who only knows what will be written next.

When I first moved into my neighborhood the bus stop was an exciting and cool thing. I came from the city, we didn't have bus stops.. we just walked our children to school. In suburbia, there are bus stops. Seems like such a sweet and normal thing.. walk your child to the bus in the morning then sweetly wave goodby as they ride off into the sunrise to greet their perfect school day. I have to admit, the idealistic view held up for the first few months. There were even other mothers there to join me and we'd talk over coffee as we watched over the children. The children would some times step out of line (figuratively, not literally) they'd start screaming as they tossed a ball back and forth (mind you this is before 7 AM) or run in the streets. One of us would say something and they'd behave again. It was nice, for a few months.

Slowly the other mothers stopped coming and I became the last mother standing at the bus stop every morning. Now granted, some mothers have jobs they have to drive to early in the morning (as you know I work from home so this is a morning trek I can make) others, well, they just stop coming.

Now let me back up to some problems I've had with a neighbor of mine. This neighbor has wolves. Yes, wolves. Two beautiful animals I'll admit. Shortly after they moved in they admitted to my mother and I that the 'dogs' in their backyard where full blooded wolves (a grey and a Timberwolf). I thought that was cool,. they were breathtaking and seemingly gently animals and the neighbors were responsible and put a 6 foot fence around their property. Months later when one of their animals started howling through the night (11 PM- 6AM straight through) it wasn't so sweet anymore. Countless nights Kajal would awaken in tears and frighten because of the howling.. when I tried to talk with the neighbors they ignored me and I have to admit, I'm guilty of leaving some pretty upset messages (after being ignored upon asking nicely) on their machine.

I know you think that I'm getting off subject but let me tell you, there is a link between the wolves and the bus stop behavior I'm about to share.

I guess I'm not the only one that the late night noise was bothering as some other neighbors called Animal Control. The mother assumed that it was me as I was one of only two neighbors to ask her straight out to do something about the noise. I know that wolves aren't allowed in our community and that in the county here you have to have a license to own them but I didn't want to turn them in to the police because I know their family loves the animals and I'd hate to see something bad happen to them.

Next thing you know I'm getting raging emails from the mother accusing me of making her life miserable and placing her and her children at risk. Me? Who keeps wild animals in their backyard? All because I asked her to find a way to keep the animals quiet (not even during the day, just late at night - was this unreasonable?).

She also accused me of yelling at her son at the bus stop. Yep. Did that. Her son is one of the trouble makers, screams and yells.. runs in the street and taunts other children to play with him and do the same.

Needless to say, this neighbor and I aren't exactly on good terms. The last out of control screaming and raging email I got from her I kindly responded that I didn't appreciate her unfounded accusations and hostile behavior (this was after she and some friends also posted on facebook that they wished something bad would happen to my 'house' animals and perhaps they should have an old fashioned 'barn storming') I also told her that I wished nothing but peace in our neighborhood and perhaps we could put aside our differences for our children's sake. To raise them in a positive environment. No response as you can imagine. Quiet is better than irrational rage, at least.

As the behavior at the bus stop became increasingly out of control, I called the school. The Principal confirmed that bus stop behavior was to be maintained at the same level the children are expected to behave at school. Then she also stated that it was the parents responsibility to watch over the children at the stop. They suggested I called the Transportation department who then told me to call the school back.  The school suggested I call the police. Well, that didn't feel right. Call the police because kids are unruly, screaming and playing in the streets? Nope... I might be mad but I wasn't going that far.

This morning the same child (of the neighbor you've just heard about) got the other children playing, screaming and again, was running across the street. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal but when you've got cars pulling out for their early  morning commutes, I get concerned it puts all the children at risk. I could just imagine a car swerving to hit one child only to hit the others standing quietly, at their bus stop.

I've ignored this child for the last month because of his mother's temper and the fact that in one of her raging letters she asked me not to speak to her child but this morning my patience wore out. Especially when he called another child to play with him, putting them now at risk.

Stop running in the streets and screaming... be considerate of your neighbors and be safe! The bus stop rules of behavior here are the same as at the school. No screaming or running/playing in the streets, I snapped at him and the other child now also, involved.

I'm the only parent here today, I continued, and if you want to behave like this ask your own mother to come and watch over you! This is unsafe behavior!

He rudely responded, I never heard of that, I never heard there were rules for this stop.

When the bus driver pulled up (and she's a bit scary herself) I addressed the issue with her loud enough for the other children to hear.

Are the rules of this bus stop the same as the rules of the bus line at school? Are the children expected to behave without yelling and running in the streets?

Oh, yes, she replied, the rules remain the same... (loud enough for all the children to hear).

Then she leaned over to me and suggested I speak with the boys parents (she's had lots of trouble with the same child and knew immediately who I was talking about)

That's not an option, I replied. Perhaps the school could send a note home to them instead.

I pray this doesn't start up another war with the mother next door but I am so frustrated. I'd like to let me daughter walk to the school bus alone but I truly don't believe it's safe. I've seen bullying at these stops, kids pushing other kids off the curbs into the streets. I've seen them playing chicken and soccer, running in the streets when it's still dark out and cars are pulling out to go to work. They're rude to adults and often rude and insulting to one another.

No one wants to take responsibility for what goes on at these stops. It's not on the school or even the bus company, they are only responsible for what happens 'on the bus'.

I lead the crime watch in my neighborhood and the officer I spoke with from the local Sheriffs office told me that it is the parents responsibility. That what ever their child does, they are fully and financially responsible. But who cares about that when a child gets hit by a car?

Maybe I just haven't had enough coffee yet this morning... I'm just so mad and feel so helpless.

The bus stop, like school, should be a safe and happy place... but things aren't always the way they are supposed to be, are they?